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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel very upset and offended by this

62 replies

newnamenewpost · 24/11/2022 12:35

I was walking back home from the shop with bottle of milk in my hand and accidentally dropped it on the street in front of my house and milk spilled everywhere. I left it there to run upstairs and bring a bag to pack it up as it was spilling everywhere but then the shop owner next door jumped out of her shop and started to have a go at me pointing out to random garbage someone else left about how everyone leaves their stuff in the street (it's a very clean and lovely street, sometimes the odd person leaves a cup or so or the council doesn't pick up the bins but it's very clean 99% of the time) and I must not leave my milk bottle like that. I explained to her what I was going to do very calmly but she carried on about how people also leave their cardboard boxes and how she is going to report everyone who does that etc. and then she carried on to say "there was a foreign name on one of the boxes". I'm British but I have a foreign name and it's obvious from my accent that I wasn't born here. I felt unbelievably upset and offended by this remark, especially I'm very very careful with my bins.
What does having a foreign name have any relationship with this or random garbage in the street? Why did she have to bring this up? We live in a street where a lot of the neighbors have foreign names, so it felt really inappropriate to bring this up like that. DH thinks it's not even worth thinking about it and she is clearly a very unpleasant person to put it politely but I just can't come into terms with the fact that some people throw offensive remarks left and right just because they can and she elevated the conversation to this level just because I was being calm and respectful even though she wasn't. It just feels so unfair and I'm just tempted to say something about this.

OP posts:
antwacky · 24/11/2022 12:41

YANBU but the awful woman is best ignored, I wouldn't even bother engaging with her.

FurryDandelionSeekingMissile · 24/11/2022 12:41

She jumped to the assumption that you were just going to leave it there, and once you explained, she had a whole load of built-up righteous anger and nowhere to put it, so she channelled it into xenophobia and ranting about other people. It's really difficult for some people to switch emotional states once they're heightened, so they switch the target or the justification instead.

britneyisfree · 24/11/2022 12:55

If you've ever used her shop don't go there again.

Keyansier · 24/11/2022 12:59

This reply has been deleted

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skippy67 · 24/11/2022 13:10

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🤨

notanothertakeaway · 24/11/2022 13:11

Their complaint was about littering, so foreign surnames on boxes is irrelevant. YANBU to be upset and offended

If she owns the shop, you can tell friends and neighbours you won't be using the shop any more due to her xenophobic attitude

If she works there, you could report to her boss

BIWI · 24/11/2022 13:11

FFS @Keyansier - really?!

VanillaSpiceCandle · 24/11/2022 13:15

She sounds like a total psycho and racist too. Ignore her and try not to give it another thought.

Keyansier · 24/11/2022 13:17

BIWI · 24/11/2022 13:11

FFS @Keyansier - really?!

'Really' what?? The sentence OP wrote doesn't make sense to me. I said it doesn't make a difference, I was just asking.

Autumnalleavestime · 24/11/2022 13:20

I think she was insinuating he box was yours, hence the comment on the name, so she thinks you litter.

Marmut · 24/11/2022 13:22

@Keyansier Anyone who owns a British passport can call themselves British. The OP obviously obtained her British citizenship. So, despite her race and foreign name, she can rightly call herself British.

pictish · 24/11/2022 13:24

I voted yabu…but only because you’re giving it any of your time. She’s just a silly woman. There’s nothing you can do about her. Forget it.

Marmut · 24/11/2022 13:31

@newnamenewpost I know exactky how it feels when being foreign is brought into a negatively toned conversation.

Once, a really old lady told me while I was in a supermarket corner shop to go back to my home country as, according to her (muttering under her breath)":came here to steal".

As if I have any reason to steal when I work full time in a professional with above average UK salary, mortgage all paid, no other debt and plenty of saving. Perhaps I should plaster those information on my top to avoid any suspicion 😳

Notanotherone6 · 24/11/2022 13:38

Sure, sure.

MavisChunch29 · 24/11/2022 13:40

If she made those remarks in her shop I'd be tempted to drop a bottle of milk there. And a box of eggs.

JCoverdale · 24/11/2022 13:42

God, calm down. Not everything is because of you and where you came from. Not everything is about racism. She is just an unpleasant woman or maybe she has a lot of bad shit going on in her life. It happens all the time. You choose to take massive offence. Good luck with living your life life that.

Orangepolentacake · 24/11/2022 13:43

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Oh it’s you again

KrangTheBrain · 24/11/2022 13:43

JCoverdale · 24/11/2022 13:42

God, calm down. Not everything is because of you and where you came from. Not everything is about racism. She is just an unpleasant woman or maybe she has a lot of bad shit going on in her life. It happens all the time. You choose to take massive offence. Good luck with living your life life that.

So why did the shop keeper even bring up the “foreign name”?

caringcarer · 24/11/2022 13:44

Your dh is right, Ignore her. She is xenophobic.

JCoverdale · 24/11/2022 13:44

Marmut · 24/11/2022 13:31

@newnamenewpost I know exactky how it feels when being foreign is brought into a negatively toned conversation.

Once, a really old lady told me while I was in a supermarket corner shop to go back to my home country as, according to her (muttering under her breath)":came here to steal".

As if I have any reason to steal when I work full time in a professional with above average UK salary, mortgage all paid, no other debt and plenty of saving. Perhaps I should plaster those information on my top to avoid any suspicion 😳

More bigotry - but it's okay when it's against "old people".

Orangepolentacake · 24/11/2022 13:46

JCoverdale · 24/11/2022 13:44

More bigotry - but it's okay when it's against "old people".

The OP should calm down when faced with obvious xenophobia and what you pick up from this pp’s comment is… ageism?

yeah I see what you’re about

ilovesooty · 24/11/2022 13:49

Your husband is right. Xenophobes like her aren't worth engaging with. It must have been unpleasant for you though.

We're now getting some suggestions that it's your fault for choosing to be offended, questions about how British you are and some ageism so I can see how this thread is going to go.

Thingstodotoday · 24/11/2022 13:50

Keyansier · 24/11/2022 13:17

'Really' what?? The sentence OP wrote doesn't make sense to me. I said it doesn't make a difference, I was just asking.

How does it not make sense?? You can have British nationality but not be born here and have a foreign accent 🤦🏽‍♀️. A lot of things mustn’t make sense to you if you can be confused by something so straightforward.

Thingstodotoday · 24/11/2022 13:51

JCoverdale · 24/11/2022 13:42

God, calm down. Not everything is because of you and where you came from. Not everything is about racism. She is just an unpleasant woman or maybe she has a lot of bad shit going on in her life. It happens all the time. You choose to take massive offence. Good luck with living your life life that.

You sound quite worked up yourself….

pointythings · 24/11/2022 13:53

I completely understand why you're upset. Sadly we now live in a country where it's OK to air xenophobic views in public. Maybe that's a good thing because it tells you who to avoid, but it's a sign that we're going backwards.

I'm not British either, but I'm white and sound as if I was born here, so I have a lot of fun with these xenophobes - if they go off on a rant while talking to me, they get a smile and I point out that actually I'm one of the foreigners they're talking about. Then I watch them squirm.