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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel very upset and offended by this

62 replies

newnamenewpost · 24/11/2022 12:35

I was walking back home from the shop with bottle of milk in my hand and accidentally dropped it on the street in front of my house and milk spilled everywhere. I left it there to run upstairs and bring a bag to pack it up as it was spilling everywhere but then the shop owner next door jumped out of her shop and started to have a go at me pointing out to random garbage someone else left about how everyone leaves their stuff in the street (it's a very clean and lovely street, sometimes the odd person leaves a cup or so or the council doesn't pick up the bins but it's very clean 99% of the time) and I must not leave my milk bottle like that. I explained to her what I was going to do very calmly but she carried on about how people also leave their cardboard boxes and how she is going to report everyone who does that etc. and then she carried on to say "there was a foreign name on one of the boxes". I'm British but I have a foreign name and it's obvious from my accent that I wasn't born here. I felt unbelievably upset and offended by this remark, especially I'm very very careful with my bins.
What does having a foreign name have any relationship with this or random garbage in the street? Why did she have to bring this up? We live in a street where a lot of the neighbors have foreign names, so it felt really inappropriate to bring this up like that. DH thinks it's not even worth thinking about it and she is clearly a very unpleasant person to put it politely but I just can't come into terms with the fact that some people throw offensive remarks left and right just because they can and she elevated the conversation to this level just because I was being calm and respectful even though she wasn't. It just feels so unfair and I'm just tempted to say something about this.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 24/11/2022 13:53

@JCoverdale if the woman talked about a "foreign name" that's not the OP "making it about" racism/xenophobia. That's de facto racism and xenophobia.

I just can't come into terms with the fact that some people throw offensive remarks left and right just because they can

OP there's no reasoning with someone who is going to freak out like this and bring up suspicious foreign names, coming over here and littering in our streets etc etc. Walk away, grey rock and don't engage again.

I know it feels hugely unfair, because it is. But as I keep telling DS1, who is going through a bit of a tricky patch at school with some pretty beastly kids, you can't change or control other people. All you can control or change is your reaction to them. You're on a hiding to nothing trying to get this woman to realise (a) her remarks were offensive and (b) how they don't apply to you, she is unlikely to admit or apologise. So just leave it and give her a wide berth, don't give her any custom, and try and move on not letting this person's bile get to you. You need to change your reaction from caring about what she said, to not caring. Easier said than done I know Flowers

EightChalk · 24/11/2022 13:54

People who quibble on threads about racism - with whataboutery, doubt that it happened, "not everything is about your race, you know", "I get followed in shops all the time and I'm white", "oh I see it's ok for you to be ageist" and all the rest - you do realise that you just instantly make yourself look like a racist/xenophobe who's angry that your views are being criticised, right? Whatever your intention is, that's how it comes across.

Xiaoxiong · 24/11/2022 13:56

PS I am also an immigrant to this country and play the same game as @pointythings ! Oh, I'm different from those other immigrants you say? Why? Not at all because I'm white and English speaking right? Oh it's because "they're" economic migrants? Why on earth do you think my family and I are here?!

Hellno44 · 24/11/2022 13:57

I wouldn't buy anything from her shop. Demonstrate your offencnce with your feet and your cash.

BritWifeInUSA · 24/11/2022 14:00

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You muppet. Have you never heard of Naturalisation? I’m an American but I wasn’t born in the US. I became a US citizen after living here in the US for the required amount of time to be eligible and by completing the Naturalisation process. It really is a thing…

TrashyPanda · 24/11/2022 14:06

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Well, she could be born abroad because her British parents were working in another country.

no reason to question her.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 24/11/2022 14:08

JCoverdale · 24/11/2022 13:42

God, calm down. Not everything is because of you and where you came from. Not everything is about racism. She is just an unpleasant woman or maybe she has a lot of bad shit going on in her life. It happens all the time. You choose to take massive offence. Good luck with living your life life that.

Except this demonstrably was.

I'm nonplussed by these persistent denials that something isn't racist when it clearly is. Why maintain the comfortable delusion that racism doesn't exist, that PoC don't have to confront it on pretty much a daily basis (and are thus better-placed to decide what it does and doesn't entail), and that on every occasion they flag that it's happening, tell them it's all in their imagination or they're 'playing the card?' What precisely is there to be gained by doing this?

I agree on one point: I'm sure it must be exhausting having to life one's life like this. No wonder PoC are running out of patience with talking about it, when so many people unaffected by the same issues are shoving their fingers in their ears and going 'la, la, la ...'

Fleurdaisy · 24/11/2022 14:15

notanothertakeaway · 24/11/2022 13:11

Their complaint was about littering, so foreign surnames on boxes is irrelevant. YANBU to be upset and offended

If she owns the shop, you can tell friends and neighbours you won't be using the shop any more due to her xenophobic attitude

If she works there, you could report to her boss

This.

SavingsThreads · 24/11/2022 14:15

@Keyansier Do you think people have to be born in Britain to be British? What is tripping you up?

KillingLoneliness · 24/11/2022 14:19

Keyansier · 24/11/2022 13:17

'Really' what?? The sentence OP wrote doesn't make sense to me. I said it doesn't make a difference, I was just asking.

My husband wasn’t born here but he is British 🤷🏻‍♀️

MaryMcCarthy · 24/11/2022 14:22

People like to deny it, and point elsewhere, but xenophobia and racism have only been increasing in the UK in recent years. From my experience it never seems to be very far from the surface.

orbitalcrisis · 24/11/2022 14:23

It sounds racially motivated to me. Go to the police, give her a fright.

Charlize43 · 24/11/2022 14:28

There are so many awful women out there.

Today while waiting to pay in the check out queue there was one screaming at the poor cashier, a young girl with a red face, who looked as though she was on the brink of bursting into tears. The screaming woman was upset because her particular brand of moisturiser was out of stock and the cashier didn't know when it would be next in. Things got quite heated. When another customer stepped in and pointed out that she was sure that Boots stocked it, the angry customer swung around and glared at all of us.

I bet she wouldn't have been screaming at the cashier if she'd been older or had even been an older man.

NoSquirrels · 24/11/2022 14:31

I just can't come into terms with the fact that some people throw offensive remarks left and right just because they can

Some people do, though. What choice do you have but to accept that fact?

Confronting her about being racist/prejudiced/xenophobic is very unlikely to work. And it’ll just make your life more unpleasant.

Vote with your feet and don’t shop at her place any more. Get your DH to do likewise. Tell your friends and neighbours why if they ask.

JohnStuartMill · 24/11/2022 14:31

JCoverdale · 24/11/2022 13:42

God, calm down. Not everything is because of you and where you came from. Not everything is about racism. She is just an unpleasant woman or maybe she has a lot of bad shit going on in her life. It happens all the time. You choose to take massive offence. Good luck with living your life life that.

What a nasty comment.

NoSquirrels · 24/11/2022 14:33

Charlize43 · 24/11/2022 14:28

There are so many awful women out there.

Today while waiting to pay in the check out queue there was one screaming at the poor cashier, a young girl with a red face, who looked as though she was on the brink of bursting into tears. The screaming woman was upset because her particular brand of moisturiser was out of stock and the cashier didn't know when it would be next in. Things got quite heated. When another customer stepped in and pointed out that she was sure that Boots stocked it, the angry customer swung around and glared at all of us.

I bet she wouldn't have been screaming at the cashier if she'd been older or had even been an older man.

There are so many awful women people out there.

Fixed it for you.

ElephantInTheKitchen · 24/11/2022 14:33

She sounds like a nutcase.

Reminds me of the woman who accosted me when I was out walking the dog. I'd just picked up his poo with a bag, but hadn't realised there was a rip in the bag, and my fingers had gone in it. I walked over to the stream to wash my hands off, she loudly accused me of planning to put the poo bag in the stream!

I'm white British; a lot of these nutcases will have a go at anyone.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/11/2022 14:34

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MarieIVanArkleStinks · 24/11/2022 14:35

MaryMcCarthy · 24/11/2022 14:22

People like to deny it, and point elsewhere, but xenophobia and racism have only been increasing in the UK in recent years. From my experience it never seems to be very far from the surface.

It does seem that way to me. It's so disappointing to find these entrenched attitudes so ill-disguised, if disguised at all, on this very site which professes to hate all things 'Daily Heil' and sets itself up to be more enlightened than that.

Nor is it only racism. Misogyny and homophobia are being re-legitimized in recent years too.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 24/11/2022 14:36

ElephantInTheKitchen · 24/11/2022 14:33

She sounds like a nutcase.

Reminds me of the woman who accosted me when I was out walking the dog. I'd just picked up his poo with a bag, but hadn't realised there was a rip in the bag, and my fingers had gone in it. I walked over to the stream to wash my hands off, she loudly accused me of planning to put the poo bag in the stream!

I'm white British; a lot of these nutcases will have a go at anyone.

The difference being they're not having a go at you for your foreign-sounding name or the colour of your skin.

TrashyPanda · 24/11/2022 14:42

pointythings · 24/11/2022 13:53

I completely understand why you're upset. Sadly we now live in a country where it's OK to air xenophobic views in public. Maybe that's a good thing because it tells you who to avoid, but it's a sign that we're going backwards.

I'm not British either, but I'm white and sound as if I was born here, so I have a lot of fun with these xenophobes - if they go off on a rant while talking to me, they get a smile and I point out that actually I'm one of the foreigners they're talking about. Then I watch them squirm.

Oh yes, then they say “well, I know you are X, but that’s different”

no
no it isn’t.
Im dactyl the same as I always was, but you are a stupid racist.

TrashyPanda · 24/11/2022 14:43

I’m exactly

wishes for edit button…

TheOrigRights · 24/11/2022 14:43

What does having a foreign name have any relationship with this or random garbage in the street? Why did she have to bring this up?

Obviously your name and your accent have absolutely nothing to do with litter.
You know that, surely? She's racist.
As PP have said, you could report her.

poetryandwine · 24/11/2022 14:48

@Xiaoxiong has written a very wise post, OP, and I say that as another immigrant.

Does this woman own the shop? If not, you might write to the owner. Email is fine. I suggest you focus not on your own feelings, but on how odd the woman looked ranting unjustifiably about immigrants in an area of them and how this is likely to have damaged the reputation of the shop. If you can afford not to return, by all means mention that you won’t be going back.

If your family, friends and network can be persuaded to shop elsewhere, so much the better. An advantage of writing is that should the owner decide to let the woman go, they can inform you.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/11/2022 14:57

So the shop is next door to your house? I know it's convenient but I wouldn't shop there any more. Also considering it's next door and the moment has passed, I wouldn't say anything. Just completely blank her from now and ignore her.