Argument with husband tonight

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So my husband and I have a joint bank account where both of our wages go into the same account each month. We essentially earn the same (I do earn slightly more but my pension outtake is so high we take home about the same).

Today, my sister text me and asked me to borrow some money (£50) and I agreed. My husband is now fuming that I didn't check in with him about it and that I lent her money in the first place. He's super anti (and always has been) lending money and we've had a row about it as it's "our money". He's not wrong and we always check in before big purchases but this wasn't that to me.

I feel that I don't need his permission to spend my money. Of course it's our money but I should be able to do this without having to ask first. I also think that she is paying us back on Friday, so two days time. We will not miss that £50 in the next two days. I tried to explain to him that IF we were struggling or needed that money he would have a right to be annoyed but as long as she pays it back when it's due - what's the problem?

He feels that my sister has got herself in a financial mess and she's not our responsibility. She owes my other sister quite a substantial amount which she's paying back monthly. I told him that agreement is between the two of them and nothing to do with us. My sister is 45 and we're both 27 so he also feels like shes built this kind of life for herself and shouldn't even be asking us. I've always had the impression he doesn't particularly like her.

She's a single mum that wanted to go for dinner and drinks with her friends tonight - she doesn't go out much and I didn't want her to miss out. He doesn't know why I lent the money as he didn't ask but I know if I tell him he'll just be angrier as it wasn't even essential.

I hate that he's kicked off and stomped around like a toddler and I don't feel like I can back down as I genuinely didn't mind lending the money. We've had quite a heated argument about it so I'm feeling rubbish now.

But AIBU?

How confident are you that you'll actually get this money back in 2 days?

Since your DH is fine with everything except giving money to your elder sister who is old enough to be your mother, I think this isn’t a financial control issue at all.

And given the context of a 40 something sister that owes a substantial sum to another sister and she wanted £50 to go out drinking on a Wednesday night….but apparently will have the money by Friday. I think your DH is right to be concerned and wanted to have a say in this because you have set a precedent of being willing to spot her £50 if she feels like going on a drinking spree midweek because it’s hump day. It wasn’t for anything necessary at all. She didn’t need the money. You may be enabling alcoholism for all we know. I am sure she will be back asking for more money.

Whether your sister pays you back or not, or whether or not you should have lent her the money, it's none of his business. And get separate accounts. I never understand why couples have a joint account. No man has ever told me what I can do with the money I've earned.

Why your sister wants to borrow money and what she owes is irrelevant really as you had a choice to say no.
But why pool all your money and not just pool it for bills etc , then you each have own spending of which you can do what you like
I wouldn't want to be told what I can spend my money on
Different if bill money etc

Gosh that’s patronising.

Perhaps going out is not/ should not be a priority. However- plenty of people are on low incomes , or have high rent/ childcare costs, and no amount of debt counselling will help.

I think that, given your financial arrangements seem to work for you both and he doesn’t normally question your spending, your DH is likely concerned about you lending money to your sister when he feels there’s a possibility that she might struggle to pay it back. He may worry that it could cause family friction, he may not be able to articulate why he has a weird feeling about it, he may not know your sister or her financial situation as well as you do— there are plenty of reasons why he might be feeling “off” about it but have a hard time putting it into words. But, as in any healthy relationship, the words should be found.

Since he’s usually fine about money, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. If all he wants is to be made aware of these loans (not prevent them) and you’re not uncomfortable with that, I’d just make sure to tell him when you do it in the future. If you are uncomfortable with that, I’d tell him so and suggest an amount/frequency over which you should make each other aware.

Meant to add— if he’s against lending in general, substitute “loan” for “gift” in these small amounts. Very good luck to you, OP.

He’s being soooo annoying. You can always say it’s an early Christmas present 🎁 and you did not want her to miss out on a good time.

Because she owes her other sister a lot of money yet borrowed more to go out with friends. Of course that is feckless.

I can assure you I am 100% my own woman and have 100% freedom to spend my money as I wish. The joint account is not the issue here

@colourPink
just think about this ^. You clearly do NOT have the freedom to spend money from the joint count as you wish.

you're right, the joint account isn't the problem here, the problem is your DH who has 'told you off' for lending £50 to your sister. If you were struggling to buy food/pay the rent etc then I could understand him being pissed off, but you're not. YOU have earned that money, you can lend it to whoever you want to, hell, you could give it away to the local dogs home if you wanted.

I recommend you both have sole accounts. Have your wages in your own account. Keep the Joint for bills only and both transfer the same amount from sole to joint every month to cover the bills. You do not need to justify what you spend your money on. Just causing arguments and is very controlling behaviour on his part.

@ConnieTucker

No, it's not necessarily feckless, otherwise everyone with a loan, car on loan, mortgage etc is also feckless. She has an agreement with someone else & is paying them back k. That's completely separate to borrowing £50 off the OP.

A 40-something borrowing from their 20-something sibling to go out for drinks is pretty feckless….

Mortgages and car loans that enable people to live their lives are a bit different from getting into a load of debt and having to pay people back….

I think you both have a good argument to be fair.

I think the proof will be in the pudding. Will she pay it back on time???

Unless money is tight then it seems an over reaction to me. I pool with my husband and it wouldn't even cross my mind to tell him if I lent someone 50 quid. Everyone's relationship with money is different, it can cause so many relationship issues and I find the psychology of it really interesting. If pooling in this way doesn't work for you both maybe you should have a certain amount allocated to each of you to do what you want with each month.

It is a joint account, that means you have joint agency over the spend of the money. You are effectively two custodians over the money in there and therefore there is a degree of freedom in how you spend it. You don't need a two person approval process for every pound, even if he sees it as reckless in this instance.

I suspect that if someone had posted, pissed off because her husband had lent £50 of 'family money' from the joint account to his brother so he could go out on the piss, the replies would be very different.

Maybe you do both need your own accounts. You'd certainly have more freedom to lend as you see fit.

Yep, no joint account here either. OP, maybe now is the time to set up your own accounts, and keep a joint account solely for bills (although we don't even have that).

I'm 49, and I had to borrow £20 from my 15yo son yesterday 😳. He'll get it back on Friday which is payday.

I don't do it often, but I've got too much month at the end of my money so needs must.

Exactly. If I had a good relationship with my sister and knew she'd pay me back this would be a no brainer. Being a single parent is hard.

We have always had a joint account but also have separate spends account where we put the same amount into each. What we spend from our personal spends account is down to us but the joint account is for spends we both agree on so I would be miffed if he lent money from that but not so much if it was from his personal spends.

I would also have an issue about you lending money to family/friends as on the whole I do not think that ends well and if you spend any time at all on MSE you would see why. In that respect YABU to lend money without running it past your DH as it came from a joint account. Your sister needs to get her finances sorted and you and your sister are not helping her by bailing her out all the time.

I’d be annoyed if I’d avoided a few luxuries or frivolous spends for myself, then paid £50 for someone else to go on a night out

id never dream of borrowing money for anything other than necessities so I’d think she was a CF for asking too. Especially since she’s already in debt to your other sister. That’s very selfish of her.

if you’d lent it to her to buy essentials then I’d have no problem

I would create a personal account and get my wages paid into that - and tell your DH to do the same - agree a 'set amount' to pool - but have some personal spends that are yours to do as you please

You then have a buffer should things go tits up!

Well obviously it depends on circumstance! But generally lending money to people doesn't end well in my experience and when it's joint funds it's important to be transparent

Really weird that ALL your money is in a joint account.

Essentially, it's all joint money. It's reasonable for people to express an opinion on how joint money is spent, even if both parties are contributing equally. Normally that's as simple as deciding which electrician to use. Our joint account is strictly household/joint needs only.

I would absolutely have something to say if DP was lending joint money - our money, partly my money - to someone I didn't think would repay it.

I'd have nothing to say if he did it from his own account.

He probably has a point, but get separate accounts and it won't be his place to make that point.