Argument with husband tonight

[colourPink]

So my husband and I have a joint bank account where both of our wages go into the same account each month. We essentially earn the same (I do earn slightly more but my pension outtake is so high we take home about the same).

Today, my sister text me and asked me to borrow some money (£50) and I agreed. My husband is now fuming that I didn't check in with him about it and that I lent her money in the first place. He's super anti (and always has been) lending money and we've had a row about it as it's "our money". He's not wrong and we always check in before big purchases but this wasn't that to me.

I feel that I don't need his permission to spend my money. Of course it's our money but I should be able to do this without having to ask first. I also think that she is paying us back on Friday, so two days time. We will not miss that £50 in the next two days. I tried to explain to him that IF we were struggling or needed that money he would have a right to be annoyed but as long as she pays it back when it's due - what's the problem?

He feels that my sister has got herself in a financial mess and she's not our responsibility. She owes my other sister quite a substantial amount which she's paying back monthly. I told him that agreement is between the two of them and nothing to do with us. My sister is 45 and we're both 27 so he also feels like shes built this kind of life for herself and shouldn't even be asking us. I've always had the impression he doesn't particularly like her.

She's a single mum that wanted to go for dinner and drinks with her friends tonight - she doesn't go out much and I didn't want her to miss out. He doesn't know why I lent the money as he didn't ask but I know if I tell him he'll just be angrier as it wasn't even essential.

I hate that he's kicked off and stomped around like a toddler and I don't feel like I can back down as I genuinely didn't mind lending the money. We've had quite a heated argument about it so I'm feeling rubbish now.

But AIBU?

It would annoy me tbh. My experience with these people is that they always want to borrow more and more- and it gets out of hand. But that's why I don't put all my money in a joint account. Would you not consider having your own account?
I can see both sides, but not a huge deal if she pays you back friday on this occasion.

Exactly this !

Joint account for bills etc, just set up your own and agree to pay over something each month.

It will avoid arguments

We have agreed monthly amount for spends which go into a personal account. Sounds like you need something similar assuming you're not spending all your combined income on essentials.

My husband and I only ever had joint accounts, and didn't scrutinise them. However, I would not have been happy if he had lent money to a sibling who already owed a lot of money to another sibling, because I'd be wondering how much it would be next time, why his sibling couldn't manage her own money, etc, etc, etc. FWIW, I would have been very reluctant to lend money to one of my own siblings for a night out, if they had a history of borrowing money and being crap with finances.

I agree that you need your own accounts too. We have a joint account for bills and joint purchases and our own for personal spends. What I use that on is none of his business.

Aside from whether it should be discussed with him or not I do wonder if you are helping your sister in the long run by doing this just so that she can go out on the town when her poor management of money has already lead to her owing another sister a substantial amount of money. It is not really nurturing a responsible attitude toward money in her when she already owes one of you. Perhaps both sisters would be better off encouraging her to sort her priorities out.

What me and my husband do is put most of our wages into a joint account for joint bills, then we have a few hundred pounds each in our personal accounts as spending money.

Completely avoids situations like this. You both should do the same

If my sister asked to borrow £50 for 2 days then I wouldn't think twice about it, I definitely wouldn't ask DH's permission and we have a joint account. He probably wouldn't even notice, but I would mention it to him.

How come your husband thinks she has ‘ built her life?’

There is a lot of judgement on this thread- we have no idea what the sisters circumstances are, but everyone is assuming she is feckless.

There are many many threads on mumsnet about women being left with kids/ being responsible for childcare/ having fewer options for work. OP’s sister may be one of these.

OP- perhaps a discretionary amount where ‘no questions are asked’ would be useful

It might piss me off but we wouldn’t be having an argument about it.

We've had a joint account for 6 years and it's never been a problem. It's what works for us so each to their own.

His only issue is lending the money to my sister - nothing else.

Well obviously it doesnt work now does it. So either back down and agree not to lend her money or do as many others have said and set up a seperate account for fun money that you can do what you want with.

So if your husband was at work and someone needed to borrow £10 to get home because they had forgotten their wallet or something, you'd be furious?

Even if she already owed your other sister a substantial amount of money and just wanted it to go out on the lash with her mates?

Was thinking this as well. Bit controlling is it not.

50% of the money in that account is yours, and you can do what you want with it.

He has very valid points, but doesn't have a leg to stand on trying to tell you how YOU spend YOUR money. As long as the bills are paid, you have everything you need as a family, then anything on top of that you can spend how you wish, and him likewise.

My husband is very funny about lending people money, it's came up a few times where I've said what do you think and he's said no. However, if I chose to lend someone money because that was a decision I'd made he wouldnt argue it with me, he would just say he wouldn't have lent them it.

My older sister.. no, my DH Wouldn't question it at all or even care if the money came back. She's sensible but struggling and wouldn't ask unless it was needed. My younger (but still well into her 30s sister) who is feckless with money and constantly in debt? My DH absolutely would question it if I expected the money back. Hell would freeze over before she got on top of her debts so it would be a question of my sanity rather than generosity.

Clearly it’s your sister that’s the sticking point, not the fact that you lent someone a small amount of money.

So she ‘needed’ it to go out with mates for drinks? She literally doesn’t have £50 to her name? But - will in two days’ time….?

And she’s mid-40s, while you’re in your 20s and subsidising her…?

She sounds like she needs to take a bit of a look at her priorities. I’m not surprised he’s not a big fan.

Why not just go out with the mates in a couple of days’ time or next week - when she has the money for it…?

Otherwise, it’s a case of - because she wants to go out, she gets to go out? Most people over the age of 19 have to balance wanting to go out with being able to afford it, or having other things the money might be better directed towards.

In answer to your actual question I think you are not being unreasonable.

if you had discussed it with him then he would have shot you down straight away and made it clear he did not agree to lending money. But realistically who is he to demand how money is spent by you when the ampunt is insignificant in the bigger picture. Basically, an argument would have ensued regardless of asking him before or afterwards. He sets precedent by not having an opinion on any other spending you do.

Your husband is hugely unfair towards your sister. Her circumstance are nothing to do with him and plenty of people end up in similar situations like your sister due to reasons out of their control. I think you did the right thing to allow your sister some fun. So many people struggling right now and to have the opportunity to enjoy yourself is much needed. Good for you for being a good sister. Your husband, however, needs a lesson in empathy and care/understanding for others.

I’m with him your lending your sister who has form for not paying it back £50 to her out on the piss

if it was for food or electric I wouldn’t mind but going out on the piss it a no

I’d do it too if my sister was a single mum and never asked you for anything before.
She has an agreement to pay back monthly with your sibling, which I assume is happening without any problems.

Being on her own (presuming she has children) or not, and on a tight budget and wanting time out with her friends is understandable.
Your DH is not at all sympathetic in this situation.
If all above is correct he’s not in her position and can’t relate. 🤷‍♀️

Your a good sister helping her 👍

Yes, from what OP has said, she is paying her other sister back monthly and that is between them. I wouldn't care what she wanted the money for and I would be happy for her to use it on a night out. If I needed the money before she was planning on paying it back then it might be different, but if I wasn't planning on spending it before Friday then I don't see any reason not to.

This agreed for essential needs yes. To go out on the piss with mates when already owing other sister a shed load of money no. I think she has her priorities all wrong here. Especially leaning on the younger sister to subsidise a boozy night out

You don't think it might set up an unhealthy dynamic of regular borrowing from both siblings then? That would be my concern that it wont be a one off as 8 said I certainly wouldn't feel I had to discuss it with my DH but I would be questioning the necessity of it.

I'm kind of with him, at 45 you shouldn't be needing to help her out, yes in an emergency but this was for drinks.

She really needs to sit down with a debt counsellor to help her learn to budget