Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH taking naps whenever he pleases

69 replies

Freshmind001 · 23/11/2022 16:55

just to cut it short..

DH takes really LONG naps almost every single day regardless of the state of house, food prep or the fact we have small kids.

This has caused many arguments because it feels like he goes in the room shuts the door and lets me deal with everything.

I am currently on mat leave and he wfh and literally sits in meetings for ages so it's isolating as it is and then decides he's going to work through the night and now needs a rest.

Where is my rest! I would too love to drop everything and go take a nap and sit on my phone and do my own thing but there is a house to look after, food to prep and kids to pay attention to.

I can't see why he can't jus go sleep when kids are asleep instead of at the peak of troubles for me.

AIBU or YANBU ??

OP posts:
Cw112 · 23/11/2022 16:59

So to clarify, he does his working hours wfh, then has a nap, then gets up to do more wfh hours or he's finishing work early to have a nap on the basis that he'll make up those hours later on in the evening? I would suggest he goes to the gp for a check up firstly because he shouldn't be that tired. And if all comes back clear from that I'd be crystal clear with him that he needs to work his hours around what suits your family not what suits him alone. So no more daytime napping and evening working. I'd also agree set tasks that he's responsible for if he's not good at seeing things that just need done and tell him that it's not your job to manage everything, you're on mat leave to parent more not to keep house etc and you need support and down time too.

DenholmElliot11 · 23/11/2022 17:01

YANBU it's just a way of opting out of family life My ex used to do this. Note "ex".

FinallyHere · 23/11/2022 17:03

The only fair way to divide up chores is by way of equal free time. It seems from what you describe that he chooses his free time and leaves you with everything.

Time for a discussion. Good luck

Dacquoise · 23/11/2022 17:22

DenholmElliot11 · 23/11/2022 17:01

YANBU it's just a way of opting out of family life My ex used to do this. Note "ex".

Me too. Used his job and opportunities to stay away plus all consuming hobbies to avoid parenting and domestic grunt work. Also an ex.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 23/11/2022 17:47

I see no problem with parents napping, as long as its agreeable to both sides and not causing upset.

DH naps on most of his days off, he works shifts in the police and they really mess with his body clock. I rarely nap because I know it'll stop me sleeping at night even if I just have half hour. But if I was struggling with the kids, DH wouldn't nap he would help out!

You need to have a conversation with DH about what you consider acceptable nap time and what he considers acceptable nap time and then meet in the middle.

Onnabugeisha · 23/11/2022 17:50

A really long nap almost every day isn’t normal for a fit adult. I would insist he see the GP for blood tests as he may have a deficiency or something else going on causing such fatigue.

shams05 · 23/11/2022 17:55

If he's napping when you've got your hands full with kids and house stuff I'd send the little ones in to him. Don't carry on as if it's all ok, don't let your children grow up thinking that's what all dad's are like.
Go in there with them and wake him up.

realsavagelike · 23/11/2022 17:58

@Dacquoise @DenholmElliot11 me three. Now he has the vast minority of custody time, the gym seems to be a whole lot less urgent. Ditto volunteering to do every single errand that requires leaving the house alone. Or washing the car on a weekly basis.

SoapMactavish · 23/11/2022 18:01

Leave it all for when he wakes up.

If the kids need sorting, send them in to wake up dad.

When the baby cries, take it in to him and wake him up.

And Repeat.

Original poster
Freshmind001 · 23/11/2022 18:09

I did suggest he goes to a GP long ago because why does he feel the need to nap so much. His napping has become so much part of him that now even his family joke about like 'ah is he napping again'. On weekends he can sleep in for ages and will expect me to wake up and deal with kids. Sometimes the kids go to him and I don't stop them and he gets all mad that I'm sending them in to wake him up. I don't want to sound horrible but I actually think my day is way more tiring than his by farrr!

Today I've had a particularly hard day. I've been up since 5-6, my LO keeps whining and crying. He was suppose to take the day off from work today as we were away last night but instead gave me excuses he forgot but I don't believe that. If I hand him the baby during his 'work hours' for short periods it's such a big deal and he will make me feel like he's doing me a favour or then complain I don't let him work when he's working all the fucking time. I make lunch for all of us and then I see him take his plate to the kitchen and sneakily go into the room and shut the door. I just wanted to lose my shit! I go in pretending to get something and he's on his phone all tucked in and I made it obvious that I'm not happy at all. He picked up the bad vibes and got up and I took baby and went to sleep with her.

In all my years with him, from being so madly in love and never seeing an imperfection in him. I am now at a point, where I don't even fancy spending time with him and everything he does just distresses me right now. I don't think he's considerate of me at all and he thinks I'm just moody or unreasonable. Goes on about having time for him (joking or not I don't even know).

I am just sleep deprived, unwell and think everything is just piling up on me. I am struggling to cope!

OP posts:
doggiedazy · 23/11/2022 18:36

The question is, why on earth do you put up with this?
I've never heard of a healthy adult with small children taking regular long naps during the day.

He's playing you big time.

realsavagelike · 23/11/2022 18:36

Here you go - the 'joking not joking' about you having time for him, wilfully oblivious to the reason you may be otherwise occupied.

CoffeandTiaMaria · 23/11/2022 18:40

I’m married to someone like this; he’s perfected opting out over the years so I just carry on and do my own thing now the DCs are adults. That includes going away on my own, bliss!

nutbrownhare15 · 23/11/2022 18:40

You deserve equal amounts of free time and equal amounts of rest. So if he goes to nap for X hours you get the same amount of time to do with as you please, I'd suggest eat plugs or leaving the house altogether. Your time is just as valuable as his. He needs to understand that there are consequences to him checking out of family life i.e. he will have to step up a lot more when you do the same.

LannieDuck · 23/11/2022 19:00

Take the same time for yourself as he does for his naps. I imagine you'll only need to suggest it once and he'll throw a tantrum :(

If he tries to claim he has no time to look after the kids for you to have an equivalent amount of 'nap', he needs to explain why he took all the available downtime for himself and didn't leave any of it for you.

RealBecca · 23/11/2022 19:19

How many paid, contracted hours does he have? Thats hiwuch childcare you provide. 5pm hand them over and walk out. He chooses to nap, you choose coffees. Or go to his family for more support and it might shame him into getting his head out of arse.

Or, more likely he will drag you on like this for years to come.

Temporary2016 · 23/11/2022 19:28

Join Bridging The Gap on Facebook.

It’s lifechanging

GoonerGirl5231 · 23/11/2022 19:30

If I hand him the baby during his 'work hours' for short periods it's such a big deal and he will make me feel like he's doing me a favour or then complain I don't let him work when he's working all the fucking time.

Working to pay the bills, presumably? YABU to expect him to do any childcare or chores when he's meant to be at his desk doing his contracted WFH hours. Even stopping to help you for short amounts at a time it will prolong his working day – is that why he's having to catch up late into the evening? I wonder if that's what's causing him to need a nap? A cycle of working late to catch up, going to bed knackered, then feeling so tired the next day he needs to nap. I would also get him to get checked out by his GP though.

I'm not saying you don't deserve a break, far from it, but you seem to think because he's at home he should be sharing your maternity leave. But he's meant to be working.

thenewduchessoflapland · 23/11/2022 20:13

GoonerGirl5231 · 23/11/2022 19:30

If I hand him the baby during his 'work hours' for short periods it's such a big deal and he will make me feel like he's doing me a favour or then complain I don't let him work when he's working all the fucking time.

Working to pay the bills, presumably? YABU to expect him to do any childcare or chores when he's meant to be at his desk doing his contracted WFH hours. Even stopping to help you for short amounts at a time it will prolong his working day – is that why he's having to catch up late into the evening? I wonder if that's what's causing him to need a nap? A cycle of working late to catch up, going to bed knackered, then feeling so tired the next day he needs to nap. I would also get him to get checked out by his GP though.

I'm not saying you don't deserve a break, far from it, but you seem to think because he's at home he should be sharing your maternity leave. But he's meant to be working.

Did you read the OP?

Is he meant to be working in the middle of the night?;he does abit of work,naps for a few hours,does a bit more work then naps a few more hours and so on.

Maybe if he worked a full shift in one go and had a proper nights sleep he'd be available for part of the day to do basic chores and parenting duties.

Instead he uses his current routine to dump everything on the OP's plate who's doing it alone and still contributing financially from her maternity pay.

He's taking the absolute piss.

AgentJohnson · 23/11/2022 20:19

The question is, why on earth do you put up with this?

This is who he is and by the sounds of it, has always been. Which begs the question, why after all this time are you still waiting for a different version of him to show up. Your handwringing over his behaviour has led to this situation.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/11/2022 20:19

The more you nap the more naps you need. It becomes a habit. He needs to man up and get out of that bed. As a teacher before dc l got into the habit of napping each afternoon and then as soon as l entered the house all l could think of was BED!! As soon as l decided that wasn't on l had to fight that feeling for a short time until my body adjusted. He is just being a lazy ..family dodger!

KettrickenSmiled · 23/11/2022 20:23

DH takes really LONG naps almost every single day regardless of the state of house, food prep or the fact we have small kids.

This has caused many arguments because it feels like he goes in the room shuts the door and lets me deal with everything.

Open the door the rude fucker shuts on you, & give him some of this OP =

Oblomov22 · 23/11/2022 20:36

OP has posted twice. I can't see where she specifies how much he naps.

I know OP's situation is different. He's not pulling his weight. But, Dh and I often nap at the weekend. For at least an hour one day of the weekend at least.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/11/2022 20:38

Oblomov22 · 23/11/2022 20:36

OP has posted twice. I can't see where she specifies how much he naps.

I know OP's situation is different. He's not pulling his weight. But, Dh and I often nap at the weekend. For at least an hour one day of the weekend at least.

Exactly @Oblomov22

Your DH AND you get to nap. To share the load.

OP doesn't. And gets shouted at if she dares to question him, let alone wake him to do some bloody parenting.

GoonerGirl5231 · 23/11/2022 20:56

thenewduchessoflapland · 23/11/2022 20:13

Did you read the OP?

Is he meant to be working in the middle of the night?;he does abit of work,naps for a few hours,does a bit more work then naps a few more hours and so on.

Maybe if he worked a full shift in one go and had a proper nights sleep he'd be available for part of the day to do basic chores and parenting duties.

Instead he uses his current routine to dump everything on the OP's plate who's doing it alone and still contributing financially from her maternity pay.

He's taking the absolute piss.

Show quote history

Yes, I did read it and OP doesn't actually specify if he's breaking up his working day early to nap or if he has a nap at the end of his hours before restarting work in the evening, and all I was saying that her interruptions might part of the problem.

Maybe if he worked a full shift in one go and had a proper nights sleep he'd be available for part of the day to do basic chores and parenting duties.

If my partner kept interrupting me to take the baby or do other chores when I am meant to be doing my contracted WFH hours I'd have to make the time up in the evening, which is what he sounds like he's doing, and that would make me knackered the next day.