DH taking naps whenever he pleases

[Freshmind001]

just to cut it short..

DH takes really LONG naps almost every single day regardless of the state of house, food prep or the fact we have small kids.

This has caused many arguments because it feels like he goes in the room shuts the door and lets me deal with everything.

I am currently on mat leave and he wfh and literally sits in meetings for ages so it's isolating as it is and then decides he's going to work through the night and now needs a rest.

Where is my rest! I would too love to drop everything and go take a nap and sit on my phone and do my own thing but there is a house to look after, food to prep and kids to pay attention to.

I can't see why he can't jus go sleep when kids are asleep instead of at the peak of troubles for me.

AIBU or YANBU ??

I would just continuously interrupt him when he goes back to bed, until he gets up and goes downstairs. Then I'd leave him with the kids and go back to bed for a nap yourself.

When he complains "well you're bitching I don't spend time with you, so thought I'd do what you do and regain some energy." What a sexist lazy pig!

Does he drink every day ?

'it's as if there's not a woman in this house'
Well that tells you everything you need to know about his attitude - women are basically household appliances and men have no responsibility for doing any cleaning or family work.

Ask him when you get time for you.

"It's as if there isn't a second decent human adult in this house. Instead, there's just a lazy manchild."

I’d leave personally.

or make a plan to leave. Think about how you’ll make it work as a single mum. Probs means getting a job/ increasing hours. Squirrelling some money away as a back up and getting all your paperwork sorted. Think about who could count on for back up and keep in contact with them.

then act like you’re a single mum. Do your own thing. Make your own plans. He joins in or he doesn’t.

when the time is right for you- leave.

he isn’t a husband at this stage. He is just another burdensome child (but without the joy). You’ll be lighter and happier without him.

The amount of times he's thrown comments at me like 'it's as if there's not a woman in this house'

You married a lazy, sexist pig of a man.

What have I just read?

The bar is very low. He is a lazy sexist pig.

Jesus he sounds like an utter knob jockey, run far away believe me you will be much happier alone, and to that woman who’s husband takes pictures of a dirty kitchen, what the actual f*k, that is not normal, I’ve lived this, just got out of a 7 year relationship where he was soooo busy at work never had time to come home and parent, and whenever he did would say I was a fat lazy parasite c*t and that the place was a mess etc, turns out he was a cheating lying arsehole as well and being a total d!ck.

Funny though how he never had time to come home but now managed to find time to commute 4 hours to Wales and back on a regular basis to practically live with his new bint, who he’s also already cheating on already, she can’t say I didnt warn her (wonder if DWP know he lives with her while she claims benefits 🤔)

The amount of times he's thrown comments at me like 'it's as if there's not a woman in this house'

WTAF?? He’s given himself away there. All childcare and household chores are your work, he has his proper, important job (that he spends all day slacking off from then stays up at night “catching up” (aye, right)) and the rest of the time is his to do with as he pleases napping or absenting himself or pecking at you for not fulfilling your “womanly duties”. This is what he believes, deep down, it’s not going to change.

My ex would be like this, fall asleep on the couch after work while I looked after our DD & make tea. He would wake, we'd eat, then he'd pop to the shop or on some errand in his precious car & be gone for an hr or so, sitting in some carpark with his mates. While I'd do the bedtime routine & get DD to bed.
Then I'd do some tidying up.
He'd come in all refreshed after having his nap & spending time with his mates, but then when I'm tired & want to sleep he'd get annoyed that I didn't want to spend anytime with him, want to sleep with him. He'd sulk then go play on his xbox till early hrs.
Even when I worked I'd come back, nothing will have been done & he'd be asleep on the couch & my DD would be asleep with him or in her high chair & I'd still have to sort bedtime & my dinner, while he went out I'm his fecking car.
I knew when I found out that I was pregnant with my DS that we would eventually break up.
We did when my DS was 10 weeks old. DD was 3.
I found out he was cheating on me with a 17y/o, (he was 23) that had no commitments so could spend all her free time with him doing what he wanted.
He said I changed from when we first met (i grow up & became a mum) & he didn't want to be tied down with a family & not be able to do what he wanted when he wanted to.
Took a year, but finally realised it was the best thing to ever happen & she was welcome to his lying, cheating, stealing ways.

So unless you have a serious conversation now about how you feel & that you are at serious breaking point in your relationship. Then nothing is going to change, if anything surely it'll only get worse once you go back to work. You'll be doing all that you do now plus working.
I take it you'll be paying for childcare while your working? So now you will have to factor in drop off & pick up into your working day, as it sounds like your DH won't be doing them.
Getting rid of my lazy manchild was the best thing to happen. But it was hard at first.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.

Hi OP. I remember these feelings really really well. Lots of posts telling you to leave your husband - and he may well deserve it - but it’s not always easy with two children. Not the best time to make life altering decisions when you’re sleep deprived, hormonal and just plain down.
Like you I was the main earner of the household. Before children I was often in the car at 6am and back after 7pm. We had our baby just before lockdown - DP worked from home before anyway. I soon learned that whilst he had a few long work days a month - a typical week was working 9am to 3pm then he’d have a nap, make his own tea at 5pm then generally play with the dog and XBox in the evening. He’s a great partner in many ways, like you, before children, I adored him - kind caring, funny - always done a few chores like the dishwasher, does his own washing, main owner of dog walks, handles the bins, cooks the odd meal.
When we had a baby we tried. I took maternity leave (on full pay) and it was deemed that all childcare was me. Our DS woke 1-2 hours every night for 6 months. DO would leave me to it all night then would take the baby 9am to 11am to let me sleep each morning - while DS also slept. When I explained this wasn’t enough and I needed just one nights sleep I was told I was lucky as he’s at home.
The real issues started when I returned to work. My job changed to mainly working from home but it’s still full on. He tried more then - We alternated nights with the monitor and getting up early. My job does involve some travel and tbf on those days DP gets up with DS and puts him to bed. DPs job can accommodate the childcare runs better than me so he does them at 8am and 4.30pm DS is cared for by my family in the day, one being a paid CM 3 days a week (which I fully pay for) and I never hear the end of how stressful it is to do the 20 minute drive and what my family do wrong with childcare
I then stop work at 5pm and do the bedtime routine which can go in until 8pm - 9pm on a bad day. Then I make my own tea and finish work in the evenings before the regular nightly wake ups. DPs day finishes at 6pm latest, he’s usually had a nap before and whilst he still does the dog walks and the dishwasher it’s not really changed from his pre-kid life. I often feel guilty working FT especially on the odd weeks I’m travelling or late at meetings so on weekends I make additional effort and often do the bulk of childcare. If I suggest a ‘family day’ pay for an event and arrange it, it’s like I’m torturing him. All this arrangement means is he has a normal work day and free evenings / most weekends. And I rarely get a break. Plus I pay 60% of our living costs. I was exhausted, tired, so so low and I could have walked out with DS easily on any given day. It was all my fault of course, I was moody, hormonal, I’d changed …..
After 3 years of hating him, we are getting there. He’s started to realise how low I was and we are getting some balance. Just small things like making tea whilst I do bedtime, playing with DS for an hour so I can get jobs done. 1 lie-in each on a weekend does wonders too. It mainly helps that DS is older and easier to care for. I didn’t do anything special just tonnes of arguments and I mentally cut off for a while which he really felt I think

If you think you can change it then try. See how you feel when you’re back at work, if that’s the plan? Keep talking to each other about exactly what you need - I didn’t spell it out enough I’m sure

I hope you get some rest and some self care soon. You’re an amazing mother - don’t forget that xx

This sounds really hard OP. It sounds like your marriage is on a precipice and the napping is just one part of a bigger picture.
What do you want to happen next? If you want your marriage to survive then couples counselling would be a really good place to discuss lots of these issues. We had a spell of couples counselling after reaching a crisis point in our marriage and it really helped us.

Just as an aside though. Could you suggest that he works in the office or at an in-person role so his work doesn’t leach into family time? Having a regular routine might help with his sleep habits too.

Thank you sharing, and I really felt everything you wrote because it feels like my life right now. I feel like Ive really hit rock bottom sometimes and I have no fight left me in me. He was so brilliant like your DP before kids and now it's like 'you wanted this' or 'you know what I'm like' , 'you know I have no patience'. I just feel like saying well you have no choice because we have kids to raise. I have massively become distant with him because I find his behaviour and attitude sometimes really unattractive. I have really started putting more stuff on him now, and today I finally just said you know what I could do with a nap and I left the kids with him and napped. I had to put a 1 hour timer though cause I know how he gets and he comes barging In switches the light on and he looked stressed as fuck. I just said this is how I feel now go and make food + clean up and you'll get a full feel. Don't get me wrong we do have good days also but there really needs to be a good balance because I will end up withdrawing completely and then it will be really hard to get me out of that hole. I am so glad that things are looking up for you and you found your communication with your DP. I am working on re-building mine and pray it gets better very soon! X

I really underestimated how hard marriage can be. We were together a long time before and I use to say 'how hard can marriage be' if it's like this. How wrong I was! I really want to get marriage counselling but he doesn't like that stuff probably scared they'll put him in his place tbh. However, I do get individual therapy and I've been able to let some steam off that way. I have had very serious chats with him before but give him a few weeks and he's back at it. I am making changes through me first and he will have to adjust if he wants to continue this life with me

His office is quite far and he hates travelling in. I am going back to work now so we will have to sort a schedule between us both so maybe things will start to look up

We have had all these serious chats but more action needs to go in them otherwise it's just words. I will be going back to work also so we will have to split our time equally and fairly now. He does more of the pick up/ drop off as it's hard for me in the morning with the baby but we are going to get some help in the week and see if this maybe changes things for the better. Financially for years, I was paying more but he wouldn't withhold money from me either if I needed it. However, he earns more than me so he will be taking some of the bigger bills and we'll find a compromise inbetween because I felt like he was really taking piss me off

Oh I'm so sorry you had to experience all that! What a scum to then also cheat on you! I think you hit a nail on the head there, they probably expect us to be pre-baby but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. Yes, I was so much 'fun' as he puts it before and I was way more sexually driven but that's because I was younger and had energy and no responsibilities. I am now a mother and have kid, home and work duties. It's hard to even want to sleep with him when he annoys me the way he does + I'm exhausted. I think if they understand a better balance needs a to be created, then the future may actually look brighter.