DH taking naps whenever he pleases

[Freshmind001]

just to cut it short..

DH takes really LONG naps almost every single day regardless of the state of house, food prep or the fact we have small kids.

This has caused many arguments because it feels like he goes in the room shuts the door and lets me deal with everything.

I am currently on mat leave and he wfh and literally sits in meetings for ages so it's isolating as it is and then decides he's going to work through the night and now needs a rest.

Where is my rest! I would too love to drop everything and go take a nap and sit on my phone and do my own thing but there is a house to look after, food to prep and kids to pay attention to.

I can't see why he can't jus go sleep when kids are asleep instead of at the peak of troubles for me.

AIBU or YANBU ??

My husband has sleep apnoea and he’s like this. If he’s working from home he will have naps all the time. Evenings there’s no help from him as he will be sleeping. Weekends he’s sleeping. He does help out when he’s awake, but that’s maybe filling the dishwasher once a week. And he will make a big deal out of it. And then he has a go at me if smth isn’t done. Once the kitchen was messy and he cleaned he, he took a picture of it before cleaning it. This really really annoys me. The fact he took a picture of it. I don’t know if it’s something he’s keeping as a proof in case we separate to use against me (as he has said he keeps records of everything of I ever tried to take the kids away from him) It drives me crazy, but I just have to let it go and to things I find enjoyment in. I take the kids to a farm etc, I have fun with them. My husband only really does financial contribution anymore…

Even when I was working he was still behaving the same so where is the fairness is that ? Believe me he's not missing out on work that would cause him to want to take a nap after because he's having to catch up. We actually have this argument a lot because I tell him if he uses his time wisely in the day and not waste it making phone calls to colleagues talking about non work related stuff then he could get more done. I've even left the house numerous times to give him the space and sometimes he tells me no he will do it in the evening instead. I don't actually think I am doing anything wrong. He is not the only one bringing in the money and if anything I was the one paying the most up until recently. He can hold his baby for a short time and I promise that's not going to affect him to that extent, I am not stupid if I see he's trying to finish a deadline, I'm not going to bother him but I will be going back to work also and he needs to learn to share the load. Also, no one is making him do chores while he's working but there's also no reason why he should be napping post work hours, (sometimes during also), and then working more in evening. Work is work but family should also be a priority.

I agree. If I could I would love to have day time naps also and 'do my own thing'. However, life just doesn't work that way and I have to pull myself through the day and then sleep after kids sleep. He moans I don't spent time with him but I am exhausted while he's built his energy back up. He doesn't get that.

I am not against napping but just share the load and respect each other.

Go and join him for a nap. Obviously the kids will folllow you in, but hey ho that’s family life.

Tell h you will be taking turns having nap days. Get a rubber door wedge and lock yourself in your bedroom on your days.
Do it.

Does he snore?

He might have sleep apnoea - that means that whatever he does, he can never get enough sleep and is very likely to fall asleep throughout the day whenever he is still/sitting/not actively talking on the phone (for example).

It's a serious medical condition that carries increased mortality, not just in terms of potentially falling asleep whilst driving, but a significantly higher risk of cardiac related deaths. And because the sufferer is waking multiple times in the night and not having the deep, restful sleep everybody needs to remain healthy and well, it can really affect mood, too.

They both sound the same tbh. It's the audacity to get told off as well as if they can't do it themselves. He was quite a messy person before he lived with me and since having kids, it can be difficult to keep up with housework at times. The amount of times he's thrown comments at me like 'it's as if there's not a woman in this house' or 'look how messy this place is' there's plenty but why not do it yourself then.

No he doesn't have anything like that. He can't sleep but he naps in the day and then stays up late and then repeats this cycle. I told him to get checked by GP to see if he's maybe for lack of iron or something and he hasn't done that. I've even brought him vitamins that might help with his energy and he doesn't take them. I try find solutions for him all the time but he does this to himself. It's his attitude not his health.

Eurgh. Was married to one of these. "Was". Not anymore. He's sponging off some other poor lass now. Yuk. Get rid. They do not ever EVER change my love x

I've done this before and he just grunts and wakes up moody cause we're not letting him sleep. He just think I'm plain annoying tbh

Sad thing is I know my marriage is not rosey at all and I am exhausted in every possible way. It's so far beyond the naps. He is on serious thin ice and I may just build the courage one day and say I'm done!

Please leave. You will be so much happier with just you and your little ones to care for. Nothing drags you down more than a pathetic lazy man child who constantly opts out of family life. Biggest turn off ever. Good luck. Oh, and mine had "health issues" too... Mostly fictitious and they evaporated whenever there was a football match or anything un-family style to do. Sad. Do not carry this fool. You're worth more than that x

I take it back after reading this and your subsequent comments! Your DH is an arse.

He's an arse and knows what he is doing.
It's hard enough with a baby to look after without a whining man-child who wants to opt out of family life.

I've done this before and he just grunts and wakes up moody cause we're not letting him sleep. He just think I'm plain annoying tbh

Given your thin ice update above - don't you think it's high time to start blithely ignoring his moods, & taking no notice whatsoever of what he thinks of you?

It will help you start the process of emotionally removing yourself from him.
It will protect you from the knee-jerk desire to walk on eggshells around his selfishness, moods & criticisms.

You could also choose to Name The Behaviour.
Ask him why he thinks HE should nap while his wife never gets the same chance. Ask him who the fuck he thinks he is - to leave all the parenting & chores to you because he's dobbing out of family life with his lovely little naps. Ask him why HIS sleep is so important, but you are expected to crack on & do without.

The amount of times he's thrown comments at me like 'it's as if there's not a woman in this house' or 'look how messy this place is' there's plenty but why not do it yourself then.
Fucksake that first remark alone is LTB territory & I AM NOT JOKING.
He is disgusting. I am so sorry you have to be under the same roof as him & his revolting sexist attitude.
You need to stop kowtowing to this bullshit.
"It's as if there's not TWO ADULTS in this house" "Look how messy this place is, why have you not cleaned up?" "Why do you think that's my job but not yours?"

I don't think he's considerate of me at all and he thinks I'm just moody or unreasonable

I often read posts like this and wonder if I come from a totally different species. Don't get me wrong you have my complete sympathy but I have no idea why you think someone else will have consideration and respect for you when you don't have any for yourself. You enable this. You are unhappy and instead of saying "you work 40 hours a week, I am working 24/7. If you think my job is so easy why do you complain when you have to look after you own kids of a weekend morning yourself?" you rely on him picking up on the vibes that you aren't happy he's tucked up in bed. You make him lunch, wash his clothes, clean his house, care for his kids 24 hours a day and alllll the other stuff we all know you do alone. Why? Why do this for someone who doesn't care how stressed you are? Why do that for someone who naps while you run yourself into the ground? I do not get it.

You teach people how to treat you; respect yourself more and then they might respect you too. It shouldn't be like that but it is unfortunately the reality of life.

I have definitely started retaliating back at him for his attitude, the things he says and does. Believe me, I AM TIRED! He thinks I am all the sudden influenced by watching 'Handsmaid tales' and I am this big feminist now. I he likes to hide behind 'jokes' but some thing I'm like no this is just how you feel and want to say. Sometimes he almost wants to gaslight me that it's all in my head and he's not what I make him out to and he will give me an example of two where I could be wrong. However, when there is more wrongs than right then it's hard for me to stay positive anymore. I've recently started sharing with his mum actually because it's not normal and she tries to understand me but I think deep down she will always back her son. He's made a few comments that I would rather no share because it might mortify people and really upset me also but I said if he wasn't ready to settle and start a family he should have told me first because it feels like we're on 2 different pages. You can just decide you want to check out now or clock in and out when it suits him. That's now how things work!

He is a waste of space. You will get zero sympathy from his mother, save your breath!

Please do share those comments - no one here will be mortified, but they will be able to support you. Might be worth asking MNHQ to move this to the Relationships board to get better support.
If his standard of feminism is The Handmaid's Tale, that's really only basic human rights.
Do you want to leave him? Doesn't have to be right now, but can you prepare for it, get the paperwork ready?

to be fair he is paying the bills!
It sounds as though his sleep is very disordered. I do think he needs to see GP to check nothing is amiss.
You need to get him to commit to how many hours and when they are going to be worked and stick to it.
During those hours you respect he is at work and do not expect him to'hold the baby' or do anything with the house or kids. Once those hours are up work is done and you need to schedule chores for each of you, and downtime for each

He sounds like me. I’ll leave DP to look after kids during random parts of the day just because I’m so fucking tired. Why don’t you just leave him with the kids and go for a nap yourself? Surely there must be some part of the day when he isn’t sleeping or working?

to be fair he is paying the bills!

to be fair, OP is running the household & raising HIS children, singlehandedly ...

God he sounds like my exh! Always just taking himself off for naps when we had the children very small. It would be a full on weekend with baby and young child - both needed entertaining, feeding etc, house jobs needed to be done, whatever else, and he’d just wander off for a nice nap. He was always sleeping.

His other thing was to say “I’ll have to work this weekend/ I might have to work this weekend” on a Friday. Then I’d try to take the kids out for a bit so he could get his work done, but he’d just use that time for leisure / sleeping, and when we’d get back he’d say “just going to start my work now”. If I called him out he’d say “oh well, so you suggest I don’t do my work then?”.

The saying he had to work was just a way of saying he was off limits.

I thought he was a lazy cunt at first, but from your later comments, he’s also an abusive, sexist one. Vile.