New baby and working the whole time

[Sleepless1096]

NC for this as it could be identifying. I'm interested to know what people think about this situation.

2 DC - a 6 year old and 5 week old baby.

Husband works 5 days a week and usually some of the weekend as well. Working hours are extremely long at the moment - he usually works from 9am until 1 or 2am the following morning. Sometimes even later. Usually back home around 2/3am. Since the baby arrived, he's done the school run in the morning for the 6 year old, although this makes things stressful with work sometimes, especially getting there on time for any 9am meetings. He does have significant control over his work schedule though. Husband has been averaging 4 hours sleep a night since the baby came (before that, he'd sleep in until 8am and usually got an extra hour of sleep).

Wife works freelance (usually 10-15 hours per week), is doing some studying (5-10 hours per week) and does everything except the morning school run for the DC during the week. Wife does all night wakings (breastfed baby), makes packed lunches and sorts school bag, sorts school uniform, gets 6yo up and dressed in the morning, takes baby to medical appointments (there's a few medical issues), attends school events, does school pick-up, takes 6yo to afterschool swimming and football, supervises homework every night and does dinner and bed and bath. Baby fusses in the evening and wakes at least every 3-4 hours during the night. Wife does almost all the housework, cooking, shopping, DC admin etc.

At weekends, husband will sleep in until 12/1pm to catch up on sleep. Wife gets breakfast for 6yo, feeds the baby, tidies up, does the laundry etc. When husband gets up, they usually go out somewhere as a family or husband will take the DC out so wife can have a nap. Husband helps with dinner, bath and bedtime on weekend evenings, and will do shopping, laundry and other chores if asked to. Wife still does all the night wakings.

Last saturday, 6yo was invited to a 9am party at a forest adventure park (parents expected to attend). Wife wanted to leave the 5 week old with husband (with expressed milk) so she could concentrate on spending one-on-one time with the 6yo. Husband refused, saying he was too tired to look after the baby safely. Wife took baby along to the party but found it quite hard going caring for both and running after the 6yo with the buggy (still physically recovering from the birth)

Who was being unreasonable?

If your husband is choosing to work those hours, target than doing it out of necessity, I think you are unreasonable.

Realistically, he's probably getting less sleep than you at night, given your baby sleeps pretty well, and you can potentially nap
during the day.

Your whole family setup sounds unsustainable though, and unfair on everyone - children included.

There should have been an unless at the beginning of that...

I would say neither in this specific circumstance but you both are generally. That just isn't a sustainable set up. Are neither of you concerned about your abilities to work study and parent when you must be so tired?

How long has your husband been regularly working 9am-1am? Is this 5 days a week? Honestly, he is going to get very seriously unwell, either mentally or physically, if he continues on this path. Especially if he is only getting 4 hours sleep a night. This would be my biggest worry before all else, he needs to find another job if this is being demanded of him (not clear).

Neither.

I don’t believe for a second that your husband needs to work those hours. It is absolutely insane. He will work himself to death. I can’t believe you are accepting this as normal. ITS NOT.

Both of you need to get jobs that allow for normal hours of work. I’ve absolutely no idea why you both thought it sensible to bring a baby into this but either way it’s not sustainable. Husband will burn out and if he’s the main breadwinner you’re up shit creek.

He needs to reduce his hours and she needs to allow him to recover (rather than simply replacing the excess hours with a huge number of childrearing hours) before he makes himself ill.

Neither, between you you have taken on too much and need to say no and cut some things down

If I was in this situation, my solution would be work more hours to earn more so husband didn't have to work such long hours. Study would go on the back burner until it was more do-able. I know that's a different story during maternity leave, but more prepping before/during pregnancy to allow for some mat leave afterwards.