New baby and working the whole time

[Sleepless1096]

NC for this as it could be identifying. I'm interested to know what people think about this situation.

2 DC - a 6 year old and 5 week old baby.

Husband works 5 days a week and usually some of the weekend as well. Working hours are extremely long at the moment - he usually works from 9am until 1 or 2am the following morning. Sometimes even later. Usually back home around 2/3am. Since the baby arrived, he's done the school run in the morning for the 6 year old, although this makes things stressful with work sometimes, especially getting there on time for any 9am meetings. He does have significant control over his work schedule though. Husband has been averaging 4 hours sleep a night since the baby came (before that, he'd sleep in until 8am and usually got an extra hour of sleep).

Wife works freelance (usually 10-15 hours per week), is doing some studying (5-10 hours per week) and does everything except the morning school run for the DC during the week. Wife does all night wakings (breastfed baby), makes packed lunches and sorts school bag, sorts school uniform, gets 6yo up and dressed in the morning, takes baby to medical appointments (there's a few medical issues), attends school events, does school pick-up, takes 6yo to afterschool swimming and football, supervises homework every night and does dinner and bed and bath. Baby fusses in the evening and wakes at least every 3-4 hours during the night. Wife does almost all the housework, cooking, shopping, DC admin etc.

At weekends, husband will sleep in until 12/1pm to catch up on sleep. Wife gets breakfast for 6yo, feeds the baby, tidies up, does the laundry etc. When husband gets up, they usually go out somewhere as a family or husband will take the DC out so wife can have a nap. Husband helps with dinner, bath and bedtime on weekend evenings, and will do shopping, laundry and other chores if asked to. Wife still does all the night wakings.

Last saturday, 6yo was invited to a 9am party at a forest adventure park (parents expected to attend). Wife wanted to leave the 5 week old with husband (with expressed milk) so she could concentrate on spending one-on-one time with the 6yo. Husband refused, saying he was too tired to look after the baby safely. Wife took baby along to the party but found it quite hard going caring for both and running after the 6yo with the buggy (still physically recovering from the birth)

Who was being unreasonable?

If dh carry's on working like this and on such little sleep he will become ill.

It is not a competition. It is a team work. No one is unreasonable.

You are both unreasonable to be living your lives this way tbh it sounds completely unsustainable

I would have skipped the party if not practical with baby. If dh has no choice about work then sleep needs to be a priority. Or more likely I would have taken baby like you did and made it work.

It sounds huge for both of you. I would look to make bigger changes as you both can't carry on like this. You both need some sleep, and ideally capacity to take 6 year old to a party alone once in a while or socialise/have downtime yourselves.

Is there any option for him to reduce work? You to postpone study? Or childcare/cleaner etc?

It's hard to say who is being unreasonable, because it depends on who has made the decisions that have led you to have such a ridiculously busy schedule as a family. My initial reaction is that at this stage in your lives the studying and freelance work are less important than the husband's job, assuming he is bringing in the majority of the family income. The amount of time you are working and studying between the two of you is far.kore than two full time.jobs which, with a 6 year old and a baby is just not in anyone's interests. And if you decide to live like this then you both have to accept that any "down" time is likely to need to be allocated to sleeping not taking children to parties.

6yo wanted to go as it was one of their close friends' party. And it was an easy "win" in some ways. 6yo is very active and usually needs a couple of hours exercise/active play a day, so an outdoors party hosted by someone else with organised activities and the kids wearing themselves out running about ticked that box with minimal effort on our part. DC was exhausted afterwards and happy to spend the rest of the day playing with toys and watching TV.

What are the rewards for your husband to be working those hours? Can he get a different job? He functions on 4 hours sleep and works the rest of the time.

You have your study to finish and decided to take on a new opportunity knowing your husband can’t step up.

Can you afford help, did you not discuss all of this before your baby was born?

"The husband was meant to be off work for 6 weeks but had to go back early from paternity leave and cancel annual leave due to work pressures."

Sure, but that's a problem for your family unit, that's not on him to prevent or solve or deal with the consequences of that by himself - in the same way that wife's physical recovery is also a couple problem not a her problem. Just because that added thing is "his" work doesn't make it "his" part of the problem.

The general problem, of course, is that the family unit is in a rhythm that you (both, I imagine) find unsustainable. That's a couple problem, so solve it together.

The specific problem was taking out a toddler, taking out a toddler in a suboptimal way, and someone desperately needing sleep. Husband was the reasonable one.

Is the husband in a profession and on a salary that means he has no control over working hours (eg US law)? If not, husband needs to put his food down and scale back work.

Wife should be on maternity leave and not studying or working.

*foot

9am till 1 or 2 am is not sustainable, even without a newborn and child into the mix. I'm assuming he works for himself or trying to juggle rep jobs otherwise this is surely not lawful!

Two, not rep!

Neither is being unreasonable but their current pace of life is completely unsustainable.

I don't think either are unreasonable, bit something is going to crack at some point.

I'd probably have seen if another mum or grandma wanted to cuddle the baby for a bit at the party, just so I wasn't stuck with the buggy the whole time.

Sounds horrific. Why would your husband work that much for someone else to get rich? Unless it's his own business.

I think you're exaggerating.

Also a 6 yr old does not need homework.
Also exaggerating how much you do, everyone does those things for their children, it's basic care.
This is just ridiculous and you need to slow down otherwise you'll all get sick.

Also if the party was a " win" then why complain about it?

Both unreasonable and unsustainable.
Why have another child? Wife should take proper maternity leave and husband should reduce his working hours before he ends up in an early grave.

What the hell does your husband do? I don’t think any amount of money could convince me to work until 1am, what the actual fuck

Doesn't the husband's long hours equal some cash to pay a childminder to take the kids for a few hours?

If the party was a friend of 6yo, I'd have asked one of the other friend's parents to take the 6yo and drop him home - we had a few friends help out with parties and trips to soft play when we were adjusting to DS2, it's not unreasonable - why are you both pushing yourselves (and each other) so hard?

Honestly it sounds like the road to divorce and/or an early death. Life's too short to live it like this!

Wish you some sleep and some inspiration on what you can change to create some space for both parents to have a bit more quality of life...

As per PP it's all completely unsustainable.

Neither are UR, as such but the whole situation is.

(Why are you talking about 'wife' & 'husband' - presumably this is you & DH?)

Immediately - leave the freelance work; yes it could lead to more opportunity but it's not workable now.

Then, properly assess income vs hours, and work out a more sustainable way for DH to work. What does he do?

You’ll both end up getting sick. It’s unmanageable and your kids will suffer.

If husband is employed and in the UK he needs to look at www.gov.uk/rest-breaks-work. Even if not, he should look at that as a guide to what is reasonable. He's entitled to eleven hours off between shifts, and there's a good reason for that - everyone needs rest, and most people need some time to spend with their family too. His working hours are the single biggest problem, and he needs to recognise that and try to fix it.

Both of you are being ridiculous. It is not possible to function working as much and sleeping as little as your husband.

You are being unbelievably naive to think freelance work and studying were a good idea in this set up.

You both need to get your affairs in order and start acting like the adults you’re supposed to be.

You know life is too short for shit like this don’t you? Unless you are under extreme financial pressure, it’s madness to put this kind of stress on yourselves in the baby days. It wouldn’t be sustainable with no kids! What work requires that level of input? It’s madness.

Those working hours are very common in the city where most have opted out of the working time regulations (that limit working to 48 hours per week) as a mandatory part of sign-on. My husband and I both work similar hours (mine a bit better - maybe 8am-10pm) and have a toddler. It’s hard and neither of our jobs are secure enough in this economic climate to quit and live on one wage. In terms of who was right in the circumstances I’m not sure I agree your husband was unable to parent - people who routinely work those hours run on Adrenalin and are very capable of performing on minimal sleep. He just didn’t want to that day and thought it was his right to have the lie in. I think it would be fair for you each to have one lie in a weekend and a bit of time where the other parents both kids solo on the weekend. Obviously ideally you wouldn’t both be so busy but it is a reality for a lot of people. Do you have any family who could take both kids just for a couple of hours between feeds?