To be unable to just get on

[KidsandKitchens]

Long time poster but NC so not outing.

I really need some help of advice please, I just don’t seem to be able to get on with what I need to do but still feel like I’m massively busy. Home with nearly 1 year old DD, other two at school, and I’m sat on my phone, as I have been for the last hour, when I’ve loads to get on with. I know I’ve got lots I need to do - DD2 wet the bed and I’ve all that to sort out plus mountains of other housework/laundry but I just waste time sat here on my phone and watching my DD play. I can’t seem to break this rut.

I feel physically uncomfortable if my phone isn’t with me and am constantly checking it but I don’t even know what I’m checking it for? I do want a tidy clean home, I do want to be a good wife and mother but I just can’t seem to get on with it.

I also feel very harassed and busy, but if I’m honest I waste a lot of time.

Any tips please from anyone? Please be kind, I’m in a rut I can’t get out of.

Look up ADHD, probably the inattentive type. My daughter got diagnosed last year, some of her traits are similar to what you describe. I’ve also realised since then that I very likely have it

This. I'm exactly the same.

I haven’t read all the posts on this yet, but just wanted to say I’m exactly the same, could have written this myself.

I actually got upset last night because I know I’m capable of being a good wife and housekeeper but I just don’t have the motivation to do it. I know it annoys my DH as much as he says it doesn’t, because he’s very house proud and he’s a real hard worker - can’t relax until everything is done type person.

I have 2 DC at infant school and 2 DC at home with me, I work evenings and am up all night with the babies (not an excuse just an insight) and honestly after getting us all ready and out the door for school I’m exhausted. When I get home I just crash on the sofa, the two youngest nap which is my window to get stuff done but I find myself just sitting on my phone or watching tv.

like right now, I need to tidy up, do the washing up, put a load of washing on, vacuum, dust, clean, clear the clutter. I also need to sort out the kids toys before Christmas, organise their drawers and wardrobes which are bursting, plus all the other jobs in the house that I put off. I need to call the dentist, call the hospital for myself and other life admin. It’s all too much and too overwhelming on little sleep so I just don’t do it. I sit and I procrastinate until I only have an hour left and then I panic and rush through what I can.

when I do get stuff done I actually enjoy it and I love the feeling of a clean home, being prepared for dinner etc, but just find myself with no motivation to actually do it.

It’s awful and I feel horrible every day but I just can’t get out of the rut.

hopefully there’s advice on this post, because something needs to change here!

@Tiredasamf and others…

you’re not lacking in motivation!

We all have innate drives to get our needs met.

Right now you’re exhausted, so you need rest and sleep, so that’s what you feel driven to do.

when your need for rest is satiated, you’ll naturally turn to get other needs met - needs for creativity, to feel accomplished etc I.e. work.

Please stop beating yourself up about what you think you ‘should’ be doing (being wonder woman or whatever!) by capitalism’s definition (where your worth is tied to your marketable output and the money you earn), and give yourself a break.

Have a read of…

• Maslow’s hierarchy of needs
• Johann Hari’s book Lost Connections (he’s also releasing an app about human needs soon)
• the psychology of procrastination - Dr David Maloney psychology on YouTube is a good source.

I don't know if this helps but it helps me to listen to a podcast or audiobook when doing chores with Bluetooth headphones, and stick the phone in another room so you can't check it.

I get like this, I think I often feel overwhelmed and dont know where to start. I use my notes app to write a list of all the tasks I need to get done, I say if I start in ten mins (to give myself some phone time with a limit) I will start at say 2pm then estimate how long it will take to complete each task to build a little schedule so it might look like this;

1. Dishes 2pm-2.15pm
2. Hoover 2.15pm-2.30pm

And so on. Having it broken down seems to help me get my arse into gear and if I am.ahead of schedule.i have a little phone break

Hello

I could have written your post, mum of 4 with relentless periods of anxiety & depression and inability to keep on top of everything I was diagnosed with ADHD a few weeks ago. I’ve struggled all my life with motivation & organisation

please read How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis who is domestic blisters on TikTok or strugglecare on FB and Instagram she also has a podcast

Her advice has changed my life and all starts with losing the shame about how shit or not you are as a person in relation to domestic tasks

This website (mumsnet) as well as being supportive & compassionate can also be a hot bed of shame… I do this or that and just sort yourself out is not helpful to someone who has barriers to executive function, whether that’s from mental health struggles or neurodiversity.

lots of love and hope you can be compassionate to yourself in this struggle.

I find putting the phone in another room works. If its next to me. I'm constantly checking it

Identify with this. I found that following a cleaning routine (even if a bit twee) really, really helped my mental health!

I was on my phone all day long. It felt really important to read our do whatever it was that I was doing on my phone. I was worried about various things and miserable. I started following the Clean Mama routine and started to get a weird kick out of it!

Ticking off jobs and seeing results gave me such a shot of feel good Dopamine! I reckon I wasn't getting enough of that from other things. It's an odd one, but really helped my mental health.

Good luck!

Would it help if you consider it from your DDs point of view? You will be much more present and engaged with her if you put your phone away. She might well look up at you or come to you to catch your eye or show you something and you may be missing it because you're on your phone. When we were children we never had to share our parents attention with a phone. It must be so damaging for our children to get the message constantly that our phones are more interesting than them. Plus it will help to teach her that phones are not the be all and the end all when it comes to her being a teenager and having to deal with all the nightmare of social media.

I'm genuinely not meaning this in a judgmental way (because we all do it) but I wonder if thinking of it from her POV a might help you to stop. X

I'm the same. Currently wfh but keep looking at my phone. I don't even know why. I'm reading a book on my iPad at the minute and I'm faffing on my phone for about an hour before I pick the book up. It's really annoying me.

This 👌🏼

Could you be depressed? This is how I felt but didn't recognise it as depression for ages. Everything felt like such a huge chore even when it really wasn't.

I was just like this. To be honest I just hated being at home and found it so repetitive and dull my phone was my escape… But also my prison at the same time.

Having a routine with housework helped, a list to tick off each day of my jobs. Listening to an audio book or podcast whilst doing it.

Ultimately though, I’m such happier since going back to work. I was crap as a SAHM.

Very often depression is a symptom of not getting emotional needs met.

You are not alone, OP, I am very similar.
It's very hard to break the habit of phone addiction and the cycle of feeling demotivated when there's so much to do.
Some very interesting points made about unmet needs; i think that's the case for me.

Wow thanks so much for all these responses! I’m going to look through them and I’ll reply properly. x

I was up half the night last night doomscrolling. I don't even have much on my phone. WhatsApp but not much on there. Emails. Then just this and FB. But hours a day gone.

The book ‘ How to break up with your phone is eye opening’. I need to read it again and spend less time on my phone, I could have written your post.

Please read into Inattentive ADHD. This is exactly like me and I was diagnosed this year, at the age of 33. After years of putting myself down and thinking I was just lazy or addicted to my phone - it was a huge relief to know that there is a reason behind it. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you so much xx

I do this too xx

This could be it. I want to love it though x

Doom scrolling! Perfect phrase. My hours would be worse I expect - I've seen them at 6 regularly 😔

I'll have to look it up, thank you x