To be unable to just get on

[KidsandKitchens]

Long time poster but NC so not outing.

I really need some help of advice please, I just don’t seem to be able to get on with what I need to do but still feel like I’m massively busy. Home with nearly 1 year old DD, other two at school, and I’m sat on my phone, as I have been for the last hour, when I’ve loads to get on with. I know I’ve got lots I need to do - DD2 wet the bed and I’ve all that to sort out plus mountains of other housework/laundry but I just waste time sat here on my phone and watching my DD play. I can’t seem to break this rut.

I feel physically uncomfortable if my phone isn’t with me and am constantly checking it but I don’t even know what I’m checking it for? I do want a tidy clean home, I do want to be a good wife and mother but I just can’t seem to get on with it.

I also feel very harassed and busy, but if I’m honest I waste a lot of time.

Any tips please from anyone? Please be kind, I’m in a rut I can’t get out of.

Put your phone away. Seriously.

Start your day as early as you can- getting up before your kids and having time to yourself is so beneficial to your mindset, even if you have to sacrifice a little sleep. As soon as everyone is out the door to school/work, get the little one wrapped up in the pram and get out for a walk.

Fresh air and exercise is really rejuvenating.
You sound a bit fatigued tbh. Truthfully I find mumsnet to have a really negative impact on me personally when I feel like this- there is a lot of moaning and people often have form on here for being a lot more abrasive than people generally would be face to face in real life.

I’ve had periods in the past where I’ve felt a bit like you atm. Really shake up your routine to get out of this can’t be bothered mental block you feel at the moment- once you’re using your time more efficiently, you won’t feel as stressed or hassled trying to get other things done

Thank you. This is the kind of shake up I need. I'm so far down the rabbit hole with this that I'm staying up until well last midnight every night (so is hubby) and so fatigued would be right. I feel pretty miserable if I think about it.

The idea of bundling up for a walk screams to me 'I can't be bothered!' But I think you're right it's something like this I need to completely shake myself out of this rut x

Another vote for ADHD - I think mobile phones have exacerbated the task paralysis that a lot of ADHDers struggle with.

In my experience exercise or guided meditation/breath work really helps. So get out for a brisk walk first thing and it will regulate your system.

Also trying low dopamine mornings - so try not to look at your phone first thing in the morning for as long as you can. Getting that dopamine hit from your phone first thing will cause you to continue to seek it all day long.

I do it too sometimes- you’re staying up later & later to desperately try and claw back some adult time/me time away from the demands of young children and housework that just never seems to be done.

But it seriously doesn’t work! As the following day you wake up tired, feeling more like I can’t be bothered, so you start the day on the wrong foot. Robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Honestly, try to prioritise two big things, sleep (earlier to bed) and exercise, you will feel a lot more motivated and able to tackle the day to day drudgery of small children and housework. And sometimes it does just feel relentless, but when you are well rested and rejuvenated, its all much easier to cope with

Also a friend of mine who is a psychologist told me that human brains are just not geared up for taking in this amount of information every day - constant scrolling, news, WhatsApp's etc etc is just information overload and most of it is information that we don't really need.

It's definitely one of the sources of this overwhelm that a lot of us seem to suffer with.

The double edged sword of this is that a lot of people need the connection, advice and solidarity from being online.

Tricky to find the balance.

I have ADHD too, and fully acknowledge that the two feed each other.

I have same. Set yourself limits but start small eg leave phone in another room for 5/10 mins and then gradually increase time. Shorten the time you allow yourself

I've never been diagnosed with anything, but I don't think my way of being so on phones etc is 'normal' x

I think it’s when your head is full of or the chores that need doing, but you are physically tired. So you distract yourself from the mental load by looking at your phone. And yes, it’s been designed to be addictive.

Some of the things I do.

Put loud fun bopping music on. Sing along, dance in the kitchen.
Write a list of chores down.
Imagine someone is popping in in 5/10 minutes, and do a quick tidy up
Say I’ll start a job and I’ll do it for 15 minutes, set a timer. Sometimes the job isn’t as bad and you carry on.
Set a timer for coffee breaks and lunch.
I’ve been known to lean out the window and just take deep breaths.
Cross off chores done on your list, and write down anything else you did. I would ‘cheat’ and write down the stuff I always did eg. Empty dishwasher, load washing machine, so that my list looked better.

Best of luck.

I know where you are coming from.

But actually, I have anxiety around my phone too.

I can’t just put it away as we don’t have a landline (even if I did, that’s useless if I am out), so this phone is where I get all the horrible medical calls and emails, calls about my dads health from the care home and doctors.

If I miss one of those calls it’s just more trouble and anxiety to call back actually get to speak to someone. Usually it’s leaving lots of message and then having to wait a week or more for a callback.

My phone is always on me.

I'm exactly the same and have been battling this for years on and off. I'm def not adhd so that is not contributory for me.
All the techniques other posters have suggested I've used over the years but just seem to get sucked back in.
For me there is something about being desperate for time alone and space and being able to switch off. But scrolling my phone doesn't leave me relaxed, if anything it sucks my energy more.
I hate it and wish I could knock it on the head for good. I spend a lot of time encouraging my DCs not to scroll indefinitely. They don't fully realise how (secretly) very hypocritical I am. To the outside world I'm highly functioning in a good job, some hobbies and a good family. But inside I'm looking for some peace that I can't find but keep looking for in my phone. My DH is the only person that sees that I'm probably not as productive as I could be on my days off but he doesn't really know why, and doesn't mention it.

Aargh - reading that has just really shocked me again. I need to put my phone down and somehow mean it this time :-(

Love this thread. Im exactly the same OP. It's like life is passing me by but I'm not really interested 😕

I didn't realise it was such a wide spread problem! I do think needing to shake myself up a bit is the issue. So much is on my phone - my emails, calorie counting, but I could ignore it all, I just get sucked in.

I'm using timers today and it's helping but it's amazing how quickly I'm wanting to be reaching for the phone. X

I think looking after children and tidying/cooking is very very boring and phones are interesting and addictive so it’s very hard.
I think I have adhd aswell and one think that helps me is finding a podcast, audiobook or radio programme I find really really interesting and putting that on while I get in with tidying or cooking. Also doing something that makes you like you’ve accomplished something beyond general making beds, doing dishes. So decluttering one room, throwing stuff out, painting, spring cleaning, batch cooking. It gives you more satisfaction and you can feel
the benefits for longer too.
If you can arrange to have someone else with a baby over or to meet them out for a walk, trip to the park early on it helps to get you motivated and if you can get motivated early then the rest of the day generally goes better

You are definitely not alone OP, I do exactly the same (mindless scrolling to avoid doing the mountain of stuff I should be doing) and it's a vicious circle that's really hard to break. I'm having some success with using my phone for music while I work, which alleviates the worry of not having my phone because I do have it and people can still contact me, I'm just using it differently. I also chat on the phone while washing up/sorting laundry/wiping surfaces which works really well for me because I'm on autopilot and concentrating on the conversation rather than the jobs and I end up getting loads done without even realising I've done it.

Not beating myself up about it helps as well, not allowing myself to be critical in my head and focusing on the things I do achieve rather than the things I don't. I do struggle with my MH and realised a while back that I would never speak to anyone as nastily as I do to myself in my own head, I was basically bullying myself! So now when the 'nasty voice' starts I consciously stop myself and think something positive instead, it takes work to begin with but it's getting easier the more I do it. And I'm definitely finding that the less I allow myself to dwell on the negative (the stuff I haven't done) the easier I find it to get up and actually do something, it's like the negative thinking was weighing me down and paralysing me.

I hope some of this is useful to you OP, I do strongly suspect I have ASD/ADD now but seeking diagnosis seems pointless at my age and with the NHS already groaning under the pressure it's under, so I'm just trying to find ways to help myself and make my life a bit easier. Hope you manage to do the same, lots of good ideas on here so far, some of which I may well steal 😊

Are you medicated? Since I've been on my adhd meds, I'm much better at getting started in the morning. I'm more able to ignore the pull of my phone during the working day.

Some other things I do to try to pull myself out of it:

If im mindlessly scrolling on Instagram etc - I say I'll look at 10 more posts then switch off.

I also find that I pick up my phone to do a task (check weather, reply to a text) but get distracted by other things. Make sure you have ALL non urgent notifications turned off so you're not constantly getting messages that someone has replied to a comment etc.

I agree with listening to a podcast whilst getting stuff done. I listen to them while I tidy, so the washing, cooking etc. Makes a boring task more enjoyable.

Highly recommend 'Sweet Bobby'!

I completely sympathise OP. I’m very similar although I get massive bursts where I do loads in a short space of time then I’ll be like why can’t I always be like this.
sometimes I let my phone die for 5/6 hours and don’t charge. I love it but then I turn it o! To be met with about 20 WhatsApp’s and 3 missed calls. It’s always something and nothing but then people say ‘you’re never answering messages or calls!’ I’m trying to stop myself being addicted! I hate the immediate need for responses

We’re quick to diagnose by to be honest many many people struggle with this sort of stuff - we just don’t talk about it.

Book The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté might be of interest.

You say you need to be a better adult, but it’s the child parts in you that need looking after. So it’s not about railroading yourself into doing the ‘right’ thing, but about being aware of those ‘child’s parts so you can cajole them along and go more at their pace.

Videos on procrastination by Dr David Maloney psychology on YouTube might be useful.

The uncomfortableness you feel when you put down your phone is ‘just’ feelings. Learning to acknowledge and tolerate those feelings is the way through. Hard work but worth it.

This is the nature of being human! Some of us have had better emotional awareness and support through childhood to tolerate feelings so don’t struggle with this stuff so much, some of us have to learn as adults!

Write a list before bed of all the jobs that need doing (break down into actions) even really small things like empty dishwasher, clean worktops etc then decide which ones you can realistically achieve the following day. It will clear your mind before bed and also you will sense of achievement when you can tick them off. Aim to complete X amount before rewarding yourself with phone time and a cuppa.

Google pomodoro method. Blocks of 25 mins to do things.

I could have written this 🤦‍♀️

I am addicted 😞

Oo thank you! Never heard of this x

What is this app?

Or….Honestly, give your self a break! Sit on that phone and watch your daughter play!!

Who bloody cares about the housework! I’m sure your house isn’t that bad! As long and the kids are clean(ish), fed and happy your winning.
I feel like I could have written this post myself same as many other mums out there.

I do try to get as much as I can in an hour a day. Set a timer for 30min to clean the kitchen and downstairs in the morning.
After lunch I do the same upstairs. Bathrooms, floors and dust all once a week. You have 3 children there is always going be mess and you could always be doing more ! 😂

I now listen to podcasts as I feel like it helps keep going when I really can’t be arsed!