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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not included DH in holiday booking?

63 replies

PixieAndProsecco · 22/11/2022 08:00

I'll preface this by saying that DH and I had spoken, and acknowledged, that he wouldn't get any holidays with us this year. During this conversation he made no suggestions and just approached it with more of a "ah bad luck that" attitude.

So, as the title suggests, I booked a holiday for DC and I over the Easter break (a UK getaway for 4 nights) but didn't include DH.
Both DH and I have set holidays, we cannot take them at other times. I am term time, meaning I have all the school holidays. DH works on a rota that has his days off plus annual leave accounted for, and bar a day here or there, it is nearly impossible to swap shifts with someone.

This year none of DHs holidays fall over the term time - something he enjoys as it means he gets 2 weeks off when I'm at work at the kids are at school. 10 whole days, 9 to 3, of peace and quiet.

When we spoke about this I said I wouldn't not be going away because he wouldn't be there and he agreed. We had this issue a few years ago, with a larger family holiday, and DH had to drop out as he couldn't swap his shifts with anyone.

Fast forward to my booking of a holiday, just a 4 night UK break in Easter, and DH is now in a massive huff because "I should have waited for him to see if he could swap," or I "should have just booked him in case". I've only paid the deposit as there were Black Friday discounts and it was a very good deal. As I said, none of our previous conversations took this turn and he was more than happy to have time alone, in theory, when discussing it. I'm also not clairvoyant and had no idea that his "yeah it's rubbish we won't be off together" also meant "I'll try to swap shifts despite this not working before".

Now DH is in a bit of a huff.
However I don't believe I was in the wrong, we had conversations.

So AIBU to not have included him?
Yanbu - not unreasonable, why would you include him after all of the above?
Yabu - are unreasonable, why would you not include him?

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 22/11/2022 08:20

Can you afford another break during the year? - ask him to find another moment in the 12 other weeks that you and the children will have off together. swap shifts and book something for all of you together.

TheDuck2018 · 22/11/2022 08:22

I don't think you were necessarily in the wrong, but I do think it wouldn't have hurt to just double-check, I can see why he's upset.

TomTraubertsBlues · 22/11/2022 08:24

I would have asked before booking the specific holiday, just on the off chance.

PuppyMonkey · 22/11/2022 08:25

Did you’d specifically say “oh well, in that case I’m going to book this fantastic holiday deal with just me and the kids.” You’d discussed that might be what happened when he said he wouldn’t be able to get time off with you all? And he said “yeah, okay.” ?

Original poster
PixieAndProsecco · 22/11/2022 08:26

I did double check.
I mentioned the deal, mentioned wanting to book it and there wasn't one moment where he said he'd try to arrange shifts.

I think he's more annoyed that I actually did it, instead of sitting at home twiddling my thumbs.
He had about a week to come up with a solution and, when he didn't, I booked it. I couldn't have waited until almost April to see if he could swap.

This has been a conversation we've come back to many times.
I'm looking at going away in the summer and DH doesn't care because "I can ask my mum and dad to come" and he'll get his few days off and, depending on his shift, might have some time off in the day too.

OP posts:
Whatafustercluck · 22/11/2022 08:36

The way you describe it, it doesn't actually sound like he likes/ wants to spend time together as a family. His general attitude sort of implies he isn't really that bothered (in fact quite likes alone time!) when he can't. Are you sure he genuinely cannot take time off with you, or is it that he just doesn't really try/ make it happen? Either way, he doesn't sound particularly proactive about it, so I'd have done the same as you I think.

How much time do you spend as a family generally - weekends etc?

VanCleefArpels · 22/11/2022 08:56

Might not help this time round but why not book a holiday cottage / Airbnb (ie cost is for the accommodation not per person) so that if he is actually able to come it won’t make any difference to the price, will just be 2 people in the main bedroom rather than 1? That would then suit everyone and be flexible enough to allow last minute rota changes

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/11/2022 08:57

I’d have done the same as you. It’s really annoying to have a handbrake on plans, and not be able to just jump on good offers.

It also sounds as though he had plenty of opportunity to communicate if he wanted to come, and didn’t. That he gave a clear impression of not being bothered.

Bellaboo01 · 22/11/2022 09:03

Can he put in a request for holidays?

Why does he just get 'given' his holiday days in his workplace?

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 22/11/2022 09:12

Poor DH is cross because he is not the centre of the universe, with you and DC not sitting at home all sad while he is working, but enjoying a holiday instead.

Tdcp · 22/11/2022 09:13

I've never worked anywhere where I was given holidays instead of being able to pick them... not saying he is doing this of course but to have every single holiday outside of school holiday times sounds like he's doing it on purpose.

Tdcp · 22/11/2022 09:13

* and now he's sulking because it's back fired...*

Venetiaparties · 22/11/2022 09:15

It all sounds very sad.
No family holidays
No family memories
Everyone doing their own thing

It wouldn't be a set up I would enjoy. What exactly does this marriage offer either of you?

Schnooze · 22/11/2022 09:20

So he never ever gets to pick some holiday time? All of his 20/25 days? Are you not in the uk op?

Barkin2themoon · 22/11/2022 09:24

Goodness ! What’s his job ?

BankseyVest · 22/11/2022 09:27

I think you're right op, you've had several conversations with him about it, never once has he mentioned trying to swap shifts to go on holiday. I think he's just pissed you've booked it and will have a lovely time - surely you should be staying at home, pining for him, bored, heaven forbid you actually have the ability to go without him

Risslan · 22/11/2022 09:33

Goodness, all of these people who've never known anyone in an industry where their holidays are fixed. Like teachers?

That was my entire life as a child, we had to go on holiday during term time because of my dad's holidays. He worked in a chemical processing plant on shifts. Its still very common.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 22/11/2022 09:46

It sounds sad that he doesn't really seem to want to spend much time with you or the kids

OneFrenchEgg · 22/11/2022 09:52

I don't understand - you've said 'this year none of his holidays fall on term time' and you've booked a break in school holidays - so he would have been free? Why didn't you include him?

OneFrenchEgg · 22/11/2022 09:53

'This year none of DHs holidays fall over the term time - something he enjoys as it means he gets 2 weeks off when I'm at work at the kids are at school. 10 whole days, 9 to 3, of peace and quiet.'

So he would be available during school holidays? I read that he liked term time leave but didn't have any this year.

Tsort · 22/11/2022 09:58

PixieAndProsecco · 22/11/2022 08:26

I did double check.
I mentioned the deal, mentioned wanting to book it and there wasn't one moment where he said he'd try to arrange shifts.

I think he's more annoyed that I actually did it, instead of sitting at home twiddling my thumbs.
He had about a week to come up with a solution and, when he didn't, I booked it. I couldn't have waited until almost April to see if he could swap.

This has been a conversation we've come back to many times.
I'm looking at going away in the summer and DH doesn't care because "I can ask my mum and dad to come" and he'll get his few days off and, depending on his shift, might have some time off in the day too.

As I said, none of our previous conversations took this turn and he was more than happy to have time alone, in theory, when discussing it. I'm also not clairvoyant and had no idea that his "yeah it's rubbish we won't be off together" also meant "I'll try to swap shifts despite this not working before".

Have you said this to him?

I did double check. I mentioned the deal, mentioned wanting to book it and there wasn't one moment where he said he'd try to arrange shifts. I think he's more annoyed that I actually did it, instead of sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. He had about a week to come up with a solution and, when he didn't, I booked it.

That’s not really double checking. Double checking would be ‘I am booking this today for XX days on XX date, do you have thoughts?’ and even carrying on from there.

I don’t think you’re in the wrong, but I do think there could have been more clarity and communication. People always seem to ‘mention’ things on MN, as opposed to having conversations.

melj1213 · 22/11/2022 09:58

Bellaboo01 · 22/11/2022 09:03

Can he put in a request for holidays?

Why does he just get 'given' his holiday days in his workplace?

Any employer can mandate when an employee takes their holiday but most employers have flexibility so don't mandate this unless they have to eg with teachers where they are needed for set dates and so teachers holidays are set as the school holidays. Some employers don't book holidays but will have certain "blackout periods" where you can't book holidays so it has to be taken at other times eg in retail there's often blackouts over Easter and the Christmas/New Year periods where no holidays can be taken as they are so busy etc.

I work in a supermarket and if you don't book in a certain amount of your holidays by a set date every year then management will put the holidays in for you. There have been years in the past where people haven't booked holidays and then, with 4 weeks left of the holiday year, they have multiple people across loads of departments with 2-3 weeks worth of holidays to take and have had to let them be off enmass and it has left the store massively understaffed.

TomTraubertsBlues · 22/11/2022 10:14

Tsort · 22/11/2022 09:58

As I said, none of our previous conversations took this turn and he was more than happy to have time alone, in theory, when discussing it. I'm also not clairvoyant and had no idea that his "yeah it's rubbish we won't be off together" also meant "I'll try to swap shifts despite this not working before".

Have you said this to him?

I did double check. I mentioned the deal, mentioned wanting to book it and there wasn't one moment where he said he'd try to arrange shifts. I think he's more annoyed that I actually did it, instead of sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. He had about a week to come up with a solution and, when he didn't, I booked it.

That’s not really double checking. Double checking would be ‘I am booking this today for XX days on XX date, do you have thoughts?’ and even carrying on from there.

I don’t think you’re in the wrong, but I do think there could have been more clarity and communication. People always seem to ‘mention’ things on MN, as opposed to having conversations.

Show quote history

I agree with this.

In this scenario, I'd have said to DH "Ok, I'm going to book that trip i mentioned to you last week - if you think there's any chance you can get the time off then I need to know now"

Labnehi · 22/11/2022 10:15

Why can't he just join you at the time if he gets time off?

TomTraubertsBlues · 22/11/2022 10:19

Venetiaparties · 22/11/2022 09:15

It all sounds very sad.
No family holidays
No family memories
Everyone doing their own thing

It wouldn't be a set up I would enjoy. What exactly does this marriage offer either of you?

It's not like he's out with his mates, he's earning a living to contribute towards the family! It's not either of their fault that his annual leave is structured like this!

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