To have not included DH in holiday booking?

[PixieAndProsecco]

I'll preface this by saying that DH and I had spoken, and acknowledged, that he wouldn't get any holidays with us this year. During this conversation he made no suggestions and just approached it with more of a "ah bad luck that" attitude.

So, as the title suggests, I booked a holiday for DC and I over the Easter break (a UK getaway for 4 nights) but didn't include DH.
Both DH and I have set holidays, we cannot take them at other times. I am term time, meaning I have all the school holidays. DH works on a rota that has his days off plus annual leave accounted for, and bar a day here or there, it is nearly impossible to swap shifts with someone.

This year none of DHs holidays fall over the term time - something he enjoys as it means he gets 2 weeks off when I'm at work at the kids are at school. 10 whole days, 9 to 3, of peace and quiet.

When we spoke about this I said I wouldn't not be going away because he wouldn't be there and he agreed. We had this issue a few years ago, with a larger family holiday, and DH had to drop out as he couldn't swap his shifts with anyone.

Fast forward to my booking of a holiday, just a 4 night UK break in Easter, and DH is now in a massive huff because "I should have waited for him to see if he could swap," or I "should have just booked him in case". I've only paid the deposit as there were Black Friday discounts and it was a very good deal. As I said, none of our previous conversations took this turn and he was more than happy to have time alone, in theory, when discussing it. I'm also not clairvoyant and had no idea that his "yeah it's rubbish we won't be off together" also meant "I'll try to swap shifts despite this not working before".

Now DH is in a bit of a huff.
However I don't believe I was in the wrong, we had conversations.

So AIBU to not have included him?
Yanbu - not unreasonable, why would you include him after all of the above?
Yabu - are unreasonable, why would you not include him?

She did

Absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a few days with peace and quiet. My husband used to regularly take the kids skiing and I would have a wonderful week to myself but it would feel odd having absolutely no family holidays when the children are still school age .
Are your husbands AL weeks so inflexible even if he booked a year in advance?

I guess it's a question of interpretation.. To me "I mentioned the deal, mentioned wanting to book it" isn't particularly concrete. She didn't say "Right, I'm booking this today".

Sorry I'm at work now.

I have confused things as I was getting ready for work.
I work term time - I am a teacher. I cannot take holidays outside of the school holidays.
DH works for another public service, seven weeks on and two weeks off. His two weeks off includes his days off for time worked and his annual holiday entitlement. It is a set rolling rota. He is telling the truth, I've spoken to his colleagues and we went over his contract together before signing it.

This year it meant that he had time off over the school holidays and we went away in Easter and summer plus an overnight in October.
Next year I meant to say he has no holidays in the school holidays only term time.

For those asking when he is present there are other long weekends, weekends in general (he works 3/4 in 7) etc. Plus during the school holidays there may be a day or two during the week when he is off and we are too.

It's unfortunate that next year our holidays don't align but that is that.

If he were to shift swap he'd need to find someone on a different rota but they can only do it a block I'm advance, I.e. he'd need to wait until February/March time to check.

Our conversations started back in summer when looking at next summer and we realised this would be the case. He then double and triple checked in work.
We've then spoken back and forth at length about how I'd still like to get away and take the boys.
When this deal came up I mentioned it to him and spoke about booking it. I brought up that I'd need to book it ASAP and he didn't say he'd try to come. I then mentioned again that I was going to book it and nothing. So I booked it.

It's only a Haven break for 4 nights, more for the kids than me. The youngest loves it, loves the activities and swimming. He's hardly missing out on much. I also could change the booking to two adults. However he also hasn't asked me to change it. He has just complained that he wasn't included, that he "could have swapped shifts if I waited" (despite knowing it was a deal and we couldn't wait - that selective memory).

I don't feel that booking it was wrong, he knew. I also don't feel as though I should be the only one to make the suggestion of "change it just in case" because he is a grown adult and should be able to do that himself.

I then mentioned again that I was going to book it and nothing. So I booked it.

Again, ‘mentioning’ it. Do you agree that there could have been more clarity and directness here?

I also don't feel as though I should be the only one to make the suggestion of "change it just in case" because he is a grown adult and should be able to do that himself.

And here? How is that not the first thing that came up when he objected to the booking? This obviously isn’t just on you, but do you two have poor communication generally? As this all just sounds weirdly passive aggressive.

Sounds like you did not have a proper discussion about it, so yes YABU.

A proper discussion being, you and DH are speaking to each other, both listening and paying full attention. And you say, I am booking xx on xx dates. Can you come along, or shall I book for just me and dc?

And he replies, I can't make it. Or, I will try for a shift swap. You might need to tell him there is no time for swapping, as you need to book asap to get the deal.

If that conversation happened, YANBU. If it didn't, you both need to work on communicating effectively.

I was going to say, ‘I hope communication isn’t a big part of your job’, because you explained the situation really badly in your OP. Then you tell us you are a teacher. What can I say to that?

Mentioned it again as in "I am wanting to book that holiday, it is on these dates and I know you are working. The deal will be gone soon and I will be booking it within the next day or two".

To me that is mentioning it.
We have had conversations before. This did not require a sit down conversation.

He has poor communication. For years I have organised everything, checking and triple checking. We spent more than two months talking about the summer holidays and holidays in general when going through his rota, with me constantly speaking about the fact that he would need to change his shifts, if possible, and him saying it wasn't possible.
I then spoke about this break on at least 4 or 5 different occasions and he still said he was working, shift swaps weren't easy. I then mentioned again that I would be booking the holiday within the next day or two and to let me know.

He was then working last night when I booked the holiday and I let him know this morning that I had booked it, as he hadn't got back to me about shift swapping. This is when he fell out with me.

Because at 8am, or whenever it was, I was dealing with the fall out from this, trying to gain perspective on this, getting myself ready and sorting out a child who inexplicably became unwell and didn't want to go to school.

I hope your job doesn't involve kindness, compassion, understanding or generally being a nice person because what can I say to that ...

Your husband sounds like a right pain in the arse

Nobody is saying it required a sit down conversation, just direct questions.

I'm honestly not trying to be unkind, but your communication doesn’t seem great. I’m sure his isn’t either, which is how this has all come about.

I'm baffled by the posters saying you were not clear enough. You said you were about to book it, having discussed all the ins and outs more than once - you put him on notice - I'm booking it, any objections? I can't see you could have been any clearer OP. Personally I'd be shrugging my shoulders and letting it blow over. I think he's probably more frustrated at the constraints of the job than at you. And it's 4 days for the children, really, how can he object to that? Baffling all round.

"I also could change the booking to two adults."

So tell him you'll increase the booking to include him as son as he swaps his shifts around. I can't see the issue here...

I think given it’s Haven, I’d have just put both adults names down and if he ended up not coming so be it, it doesn’t cost any more - from what I remember of Haven. The accommodation costs the same anyway. You pay for two beds of three beds caravans.

I’m sure I’ve booked places like this and someone hasn’t turned up due to xxx - it’s never a problem!

I think you are fine to have gone ahead op. You can't be a mind reader. Thanks for confirming the holiday thing.

Sounds like you don't really like each other and neither are that fussed that the other one won;t be around. I'd be gutted if my family went off to do something fun without me, you just sound cross about life, perhaps a solo break is required?

So he was ok on missing out as long as the whole family did too, but the minute he realised that your lives can continue without him, he got a cob on?

I give it a fortnight before he starts making noises about looking for a new job....

Or maybe he shouldnt expect that family life should only happen when he is there...

I did find your OP extremely confusing and badly explained but anyway, I'd probably have booked for two adults if it didn't make too much difference financially. Then leaned on him regularly to try and change shifts so that he could come.

If he made no effort to swap shifts then I would just go without him as you are already planning.

Sometimes it kind of feels like you can't do right for doing wrong!

This is actually far more common in the uk than you’d think. My sister works for a transport company that does not allow you to pick your own holidays, unless there are mitigating circumstances, such as weddings or funerals.

Well, this is mumsnet so he is obviously in the wrong, no matter what his version of events and conversations.

It sounds to me as if your husband is being manipulative and unpleasant. He said all the right things that led you to believe he’d be fine with it, but must have been telling himself you wouldn’t go ahead, and now you have and he’s sulking. Does he often play teenage style mind games with you, because that’s what this sounds like to me.

Anyway, my only advice, if that is what’s happening, is to push on and do what you want, so that he knows in future that these tactics won’t work. If that is what’s happening, it will be an uphill struggle though. Good luck.

Nobody is a mind reader. I’d say communicating about this feels really hard, I’ll simplify it for you. Unless you say please wait until x date , and be specific about the date and I will try to swap, if I say I’m booking a holiday I’m booking a holiday. My default assumption if you are working is you cannot come. You have to tell me clearly otherwise. Here, I’ll message that to you so you know exactly where I stand, I’m not doing this conversation again where you blame me for not reading your mind when we’ve talked about it.

Exactly this

Is it self-catering? If so, there’s almost no cost difference between 1 adult and 2 children and 2 adults and 2 children. For that reason alone I would have included him. A lot can happen between now and then. Did he join the navy? You talked about that in a previous thread. Maybe he will be promoted or transferred and won’t be on the same shift pattern. Maybe he will have some time off at that time or can swap shifts.