to stay & settle.. or leave for a fairytale?

[alexandrax]

27, 2 DD’s (had first daughter young). DP and I have had a rocky relationship but nothing ‘massive’ ever happened, eg no cheating/abuse etc…

feel as though we have grown up with our first DD and almost got to know each other as DD has grown up too as we were only together just over a year before I fell pregnant.

DP isn’t a bad person, but we have our disagreements and I think some things stand in the way of our relationship. I’m not particularly fond of his friendship group, all quite immature (I guess normal 27 year olds with no kids), pub every weekend, some I know cheat on their partners, just a group sleazy blokes tbh.. but it’s his friends so nothing I can do or would expect to do.

i feel like my love language is definitely touch/words etc.. maybe I just need reassurance or maybe I’m just insecure. His is very different - he’s not very comforting, wouldn’t just randomly give me a kiss or anything.. date nights I tend to organise myself, have to ask him to get up with the kids on a weekend instead of him just doing something for me etc..

I feel like I’m wanting more, I want that fairytale relationship, the relationships you see on social media that probably aren’t even real..

I don’t really know why I’m asking a bunch of strangers on mumsnet what to do with my life but maybe other peoples out look might help.

Have you told him you want this ?

Grass isn't greener usually

I think rather than making it a choice between staying and settling or jacking it all in in the hope of finding a fairytale, you should sit him down and tell him that you're not feeling fulfilled in the relationship in its current state. Be specific as to where it's all feeling a bit stale, and see if he's enthusiastic about making some changes.

Blowing up 3 people's lives in pursuit of the nebulous idea of a fairytale, be serious. It would be unspeakably selfish IMO

Go find your Prince. You only live once. Me and my recent ex were together 7 years. Got on fine, he's lovely and actually collected me from work today as it was pouring. We are not madly in love though and both want to be. We get on but we are not meant to be together, and that's OK.

I would ask to do joint therapy to be able to speak to him about take on an equal load and discuss the issues with his friends and how I cared for he makes you feel.

Perhaps you aren't good at communicating with each other?

Do you have 2 young children together?

No but I didn't stay with my sons dad who I didn't love either.

Leave. Life is too short.

I have told him in the past I feel like this, but it’s just not who he is.. it’s not his fault it’s just his childhood and the way he was bought up. ‘Affection’ isn’t in his vocabulary.

The whole 'finding your prince' thing isn't really working out for you by the sound of things!

Leave. Life is too short.

I just want someone to cuddle me, kiss me at random times of the day. Be obsessed with me and me with them.. is that even a thing? Does that kind of love actually exist?

You don’t want to be with him so I would leave, but not necessarily in the expectation of finding someone who will fulfil your needs. If it happens, it happens.

A lot of this sounds like problems with communication and how each of you express how you feel about the other, which can be rectified if you both want to enough. Relationship counselling often helps you each to express calmly how you feel, what frustrated you, and what you need from the other that’s missing. The question is whether you both do want to? Sometimes relationships do run their course and you grow out of each other, especially if you got together young and then were kept together because you quickly had children. It’s fine to acknowledge that what you have is no longer making either of you happy and that you’d be better people and parents separately.

If you do separate, so if for that reason though, not because you’re thinking of future Instagram photos and some notion that there’s a fairytale prince out there. Good relationships (and men) do exist, but you need to be able to be happy alone, before anything else.

If you're not happy you need to leave it's what I did, but you can't base this on some fictional dream relationship. That's asking for trouble.

The thing is, I’m not unhappy. And I can’t imagine bringing up our children without him here.. or what it would do to them. Ughhh I just don’t know. Maybe I’m having a mid life crisis at 27

Tbh this sounds like sexual chemistry and speaking from experience it doesn't necessarily mean a good relationship. Or that it's going to stable. I mean I guess you can both. But it sounds like your relationship has run its course. Agree with pp you need to be happy alone first.

Not for long. If it starts out that way it doesn’t last.

This isn't the average relationship I don't think - some people are more affectionate than others, some relationships have more physical affection than others etc.

Your "love language" is one that isn't really something that can be forced, but I also think pinning your happiness in a relationship based on something like this and comparing yourself to social media relationships isn't going to make you any happier.

You can leave a relationship for any reason at all if you're unhappy but I think if you're leaving to chase a fairytale (and completely changing the lives of your children in the process) then it's a bit reckless. Does your fairytale include 50/50 access with children? Having step parents involved? Having to share life with your children away from you part of the time? It's a lot to consider.

It happens in the honeymoon phase of a relationship.

I feel like I’m wanting more, I want that fairytale relationship, the relationships you see on social media that probably aren’t even real..

Fairytale relationships don't exist. The stuff you see on social media is not representative of real life. People only put photos of their memorable moments, and not of the daily grind of 'real life'.

Dare I say it OP, you sound a little immature.

I'd take solid, reliable, there when I need them, adores kids and does their share over random affectionate gestures.

So that kind of obsessive love only exists in films then?

There might be some relationships where that sort of obsession continues past the honeymoon phase, but I don’t think it’s the norm.
I adore my husband, but we’ve been married for 12 years, have 3 kids and 2 full time jobs so we don’t really have time to be ‘obsessed’ with each other. We are affectionate, loving, still have good sex etc but obsession? No.

I don't think wanting to be with someone who is affectionate and pulls his weight domestically is "searching for a Prince" or a "nebulous fairytale" or something that only happens in the honeymoon period?! That's pretty basic low level stuff. Sure the "being obsessed with each other bit" sounds a bit dramatic, but I think wanting hugs and kisses and for him to get up with his own kids and not go to the pub every weekend etc is really the bare minimum you should expect from a romantic relationship. If you had said you wanted him to bring you long stemmed red roses every evening before reading you hand written love poetry by candle light then yeh, I'd say maybe lay off the Mills and Boon a bit, but what you are asking for is really normal.

I bet he still expects to have sex with you despite never showing you affection at any other time, right?

I wouldn't say that my partner and I are "obsessed" with each other, he doesn't consume my every waking thought etc. But we do love each other, share spontaneous physical affection and loving words throughout the day, do things for each other just to be kind etc. We've been together 8 years and have 2 kids and full time jobs and all the drudgery that comes with it so defs not in the honeymoon period anymore. My relationship doesn't seem unusual amongst the other couples I know.