to stay & settle.. or leave for a fairytale?

[alexandrax]

27, 2 DD’s (had first daughter young). DP and I have had a rocky relationship but nothing ‘massive’ ever happened, eg no cheating/abuse etc…

feel as though we have grown up with our first DD and almost got to know each other as DD has grown up too as we were only together just over a year before I fell pregnant.

DP isn’t a bad person, but we have our disagreements and I think some things stand in the way of our relationship. I’m not particularly fond of his friendship group, all quite immature (I guess normal 27 year olds with no kids), pub every weekend, some I know cheat on their partners, just a group sleazy blokes tbh.. but it’s his friends so nothing I can do or would expect to do.

i feel like my love language is definitely touch/words etc.. maybe I just need reassurance or maybe I’m just insecure. His is very different - he’s not very comforting, wouldn’t just randomly give me a kiss or anything.. date nights I tend to organise myself, have to ask him to get up with the kids on a weekend instead of him just doing something for me etc..

I feel like I’m wanting more, I want that fairytale relationship, the relationships you see on social media that probably aren’t even real..

I don’t really know why I’m asking a bunch of strangers on mumsnet what to do with my life but maybe other peoples out look might help.

Life is far too short to stay in a relationship that's stale. Your kids will be fine and you can work out a plan in regards to co-parenting, but ultimately, it's better to leave than wonder 'what if' 20 years down the line.

I wouldn't rush into another relationship though. Do something for you. Find something fulfilling for yourself and work the rest out later. It's not selfish to want more than someone who is emotionally stunted

Dare I say it OP, you sound a little immature

Of course she is, the lass is only 27!

OP, there aren't fairy tales out there and your prince won't come. That's not how it works in real life.

The honeymoon period is all physicality and ripping each other's clothes off and having Velcro Genitals (as Lenny Henry used to say) but that calms down - all the quicker when you've got kids. However, that doesn't mean there's no affection in many long term relationships. We've been together 36 years and still have a quick snog in the kitchen.

If your relationship isn't fulfilling, you can work on it, decide to settle, or end it. You've so much life ahead of you - do you really want to spend it with someone who can't or won't meet your emotional needs?

I get where you're coming from to an extent OP. I have that many years in, the kisses and cuddles but I'd class it as healthy affection. Obsession, I don't want anyone to be obsessed with me, that speaks to neediness, insecurity, control, I wouldn't want that at all..
I didn't settle, I held tight when others were settling down and trying to pair me off with people I wasn't interested in but I don't know what I'd give everything you have up for an 'obsessive' love..do you love your partner?

I've been married over 30 years and although I adore DH and I'm sure he feels the same about me, I'm not 'obsessed' with him, nor he with me. He's not my 'prince' and I'm not his 'princess'. We're two people who found love together and respect each other, warts and all.

Fairy Tales aren't real and you need to get your head out of the clouds. Real is working (sometimes hard) together to build a life, it's seeing the other person's point of view and compromising, it's realizing that relationships ebb and flow and that they change and evolve over the years. Your beloved walks hand in hand with you through life. They don't throw you on the back of their white stallion and ride off with you into the sunset. Is there 'romance' in our marriage? Of course there is! We still love to surprise each other and we remember those little things that show we care. DH always pours my cup of coffee first and then his own. I remember he likes the end piece of a meat loaf and makes sure he gets it. It's not grand gestures, it's the little things.

That's not to say that you have to compromise 'who you are' or live with someone who really can't or won't meet your emotional needs. When you look at your marriage, look at who he is and how he treats you in a realistic way. If you had DD young, you aren't the same people you were then. TELL him what you need, don't expect him to read your mind. And listen if he tells you his needs. If after time and communication you still feel that you are unhappy, then end the marriage with dignity.

Yes op it does. Me and DH have it.

You only love once in this world. Don't settle for less.

Been married 20 years. Married young (similar age to you) and 1st baby came along quickly.
Life can get very humdrum with little children.
Ive learnt it’s important to tell your spouse what you want. I would say to DH - I want us to go to a spa, or a walk or whatever. He isn’t a psychic. I now say I want a hug or a kiss.

It’s ok to have a marriage tune up with some therapy. It’s not just for when the marriage is in crisis.

What else fun do you have in your life? That way you are not looking for your DH to 'make you' happy.

Hope your work it out.

Reading a lot of these posts is so sad. The fairytale does exist. It's rare but it does. Doesn't mean we don't have our fair share of issues but we are mad for one another.

It's possible. I promise.

You want someone who's obsessed with you? Well if it does exist it sounds really unhealthy

Is it just me who thinks that sounds like a really unhealthy relationship, a long way from ideal?

You mention his childhood, but I wonder what yours was like.You won't ever be happy in any relationship if you're looking to someone else to make you happy.

The grass of being away from a bad relationship is WAY greener. I'm single and my own grass is extremely green, much better than being unhapply married. 😊

The fairytale does exist. DH and I have been together 25 years, married 22, 3 DC and a dog. Ups and downs but he adores me and we are very affectionate. Don’t sell yourself short. I had many boyfriends who did not make me happy - but the right person did.

you are only here once, for a very short time, and there is no second go on the merry-go-round , so go and find your happiness.

my friend left a bad relationship and found love and joy in her 40’s

I think the language you’ve used makes this tricky. Wanting someone “obsessed” with you, probably isn’t healthy even if real - it makes me think of a controlling stalker.

However, having someone who is affectionate and participates in family life is not looking for anything out of the ordinary.

It sounds like you’ve got into a bit of a ‘rut’, OP. That happens in relationships/marriages. There are definitely days I’m happier than others, if that makes sense. Some days my husband pulls his weight more, puts in a bit more effort, small gestures. He’s not romantic though and never was. I was A LOT more affectionate in the beginning, it’s how I showed love. My husband’s way is more … noticing the little things, like picking up my favourite snack from the store or offering me a lift when it’s raining. Some days he’s worked relentless hours and offers nothing, not even much in way of conversation, because he’s run down and tired. That’s just life. The love is always there, it’s just sometimes we forget to appreciate the small things in life.

We went through a stage where I questioned the relationship, my mum had died a few years before and it made me second guess everything. But we spoke about it, we contemplated counselling and we made it through, together. Because the love was always there, it’s just that we’d got into a rut for a while. When the kids are small, this happens sometimes. Only you and your partner can decide whether it’s worth fighting to get the spark back. Communication is key- talk to him.
Good luck.

I get the idea that we all have a love language but if someone really loves you they'll make the effort to express and show their love. My ex hated meat - the day he cooked me steak was better than him forcing himself to say he loved me. I think the point is, if he's not perfect but makes an effort maybe it would be the wrong decision to leave him. I think you need to ask yourself whether you're actually happy with him?

I left my ex-h 6 years ago after a bad phase that never got better. I'm with someone new and we're definitely a better fit for each other but he does have his moments. No relationship is ever perfect.

Calling it a fairytale sounds like you're trying to tell yourself that having a partner who treats you with kindness, interest and respect is a dream. For many people it's reality! The question is, is your partner basically fun, respectful, helpful and loving etc - with a few flaws? Or is he basically unsupportive, ignores you, unhelpful, expects you to look after the house and kids while he does the bare minimum?

The fairytale isn’t real. But that doesn’t necessarily mean this relationship is right. That said, you obviously liked him enough to want to have a second child, so presumably there’s something there.

So that kind of obsessive love only exists in films then?

Like others I'm not sure what you mean by "obsessive". Most people think of "obsession" as being controlling, jealous, stalker type behaviour. If that's the "fairytale" then you can keep it.

DH and I love each other very much. We make each other laugh, we do nice things for each other just because, we put each other first, we're physically affectionate and the sex is good but I wouldn't say we are "obsessed". We're still in love after 18 years together, but that's not the same as being "obsessed".

I imagine it's probably easier to obsess about what you don't have, than what you've already got.

I'd question if the fairtlytale exists as part of a blended family. There isn't just you. It will be you and your 2 children. Will your children accept a new man into their lives happily? Will a new man accept your 2 children? What if he has children of his own?

OP there’s a great book- the course of love by alain de buttoin. It’s a fiction love story but he looks at the psychology and societal influence of what we think love to be throughout. I went through a similar thing and now I’ve realised the Disney idea of love isn’t real. I’m not settling, I have a wonderful and real man!

Don't blame you op. If you're brave enough fuck it off and leave

Obsessive love is unhealthy in my view and unsustainable in a long-term relationship. Relationships should meet the needs of both partners but give them space to grow and develop. It is a partnership not a merging of identities. DH and I have been together for over 25 years and we could not have maintained obsessive love for that time period - I think it would have turned into something toxic.

Having small kids are hard on a marriage and if the youngest is still very young then that might be central to some of your problems.

Of course, I don’t know if you will or won’t become more satisfied with your marriage once your kids are a bit older so I don’t know how key this is to your current dilemma. But it’s worth bearing in mind.

So, it sounds like he's not perfect (the asshole friends) but who is? You've had two children together and it sounds like he's a decent dad and a decent husband.
My husband would love me to be a bit more lovey-dovey, but it's just not me. I don't and won't fake this. I'd rather have authenticity than have someone putting it on, so I can understand where your bloke is coming from.
What's his love language? The idea is that you both find out your own, then chat about how this might be achieved in real life!

I think you're a bit bored. Is it in your life in general? Do you need more of a challenge professionally or more time developing other aspects of yourself? You're young and need to grow and have some excitement.

Sex? Okay, you're in a long term relationship with a couple of kids, but you should still feel the earth move. I've been married 18 years and while the frequency has decreased, sex is still 🔥. Buy 'The Joy of Sex' and have some fun.

Don't settle for a dull life - make changes. But please don't break your kids' hearts for the fantasy of a silver-tongued charmer who doesn't even exist.

Thanks all for your advice!! Has actually really helped so thank you

Could you stay tougher until you find another man? No point leaving for a fairytale if one doesn’t come a long.