Can we talk about Christmas and Family.

[CookieDoughKid]

I can't use Covid as an excuse not to go along to visit Dh's family this Christmas His mum is planning a one day get together. They don't particularly like me (I wasn't invited to his brother's wedding yet dh and children still went). It's the kind of one way conversation where they only talk about themselves and never asks me about my life or who I am and i find it really boring. I don't suffer fools well and a conversation with his step father is often like going into verbal combat.... he tries to test me on my knowledge and proves he is right all the time.

His brother and wife actively dislike but we can remain civil.

Last time I saw them was 18 months ago. His mother is elderly and caring for his step father who has grade 4 brain cancer but is honestly still a f barstard and I always feel tense around them. Teen Kids will want to go as they want their presents.

Basically I know I am being unreasonable not to accommodate one day at their house as his mum wants to play happy families but...I guess I am asking for coping strategies. If my dh wasn't here anymore I would not keep in touch with any of them or see any of them. Ever.

Yet dh will go along to my family every time, we've been on holidays together and it's just a lot of fun. My side of the family and much younger and humorous. And we have a lot of laughs.

Yet I know I am BU but am dreading it. What do you do and how do you cope?

Do you work? Surely the simplest thing is to have a strategic “work crisis” and go to work that day.

They don’t want you there, you don’t want you there. Everyone’s a winner!

Send DH & teens & enjoy a relaxing, stress free day alone.

Headache?
Need to wash your hair?
Volunteer somewhere that day?
Why should you put yourself through that?

I would just keep my head down and get through the day.

No debates with FIL etc. Just concentrate on the kids/DH and it'll time to leave before you know it.

But if you aren't invited to family weddings and no one's bothered, do you really have to go for Christmas? Have a day in doors in your PJs, assuming it's not actually Xmas day?

Your dh and dc went to a family wedding that you weren’t invited to?!
There’s your problem.
My dh would not allow me to be left out of his family occasions.
Your dh should have your back.

Don’t go and tell your dh that you think he and the teens should stay home too.
I wouldn’t spend Christmas Day with people who didn’t really want me there.
As for your dh well he’s a disappointment.

Don't go. Dh & kids can go without you. If asked Dh can say you had somewhere else to be. If really pushed he can saybas she feels unwelcome she didn't want to come. End of. Never have to visit again!

Is this Christmas Day or a day in the Christmas period? Can you limit how long you are actually there, go for a walk?

Send DH with the kids and go and see your own family.

Turn up and spend all day in your phone ignoring them. Don't answer any questions etc.

Get drunk and act like an absolute twat.

I don't really recommend the last one TBH. But if they hate you anyway, there's nothing to lose.

I wouldn’t go. It’s liberating when we admit we don’t get on with some people and there’s no real reason you need to spend time with them.

If DH tries to say you’re not being fair then ask him what he gets out of taking you when he knows it’ll be a day of suffering for you? What pleasure is there in that for him? Surely nothing?

There us no joy in it. Don’t go.

We need more info eg is it Christmas Day or just a normal day around the Xmas period and do the in laws live in a city near lots of things to do or in the middle of nowhere?

If a normal day, I would drive separately and stay for a cup of tea before receiving an emergency work/family/friend related call if and when things starts to turn. Your kids might be needed too (then you could all go home apart from DH or do a fun activity nearby for the rest of the day).

Keep your head down, if necessary take a new Christmas book, or go out for a walk, or offer to do the dishes and pop in your airpods etc.

You love DH, this is something you are doing to make life a bit easier for him. Well done x

For the sake of your DH and your children's illusion of relatively peaceful relations with the wider family, I say you just sit on your feelings for a day and play nice. I imagine only a fraction of us would be friends with our in laws if it weren't for our spouses. Sit, nod, endure, go home, drink wine.

How far away are they?

Go for an hour and show your face?

Your dh and children went to a wedding where you weren't invited? I find this absolutely bizarre. There is no way this would happen in my family. Either way round.

If they aren't bothered about you being there at a wedding (and by 'they' I include your husband in this) I just wouldn't go. He left you to go to the wedding. Am sure he will happily leave you again. His family clearly weren't bothered so there is no love lost there.
Why on earth do you live like this? Are you actually okay with it?

I just wouldn't go. They sound awful and they're not your responsibility.

You could say you have diarrhoea, a headache or just plain no thanks! Take your pick

Send DH and kids and enjoy A free day. You don't need an excuse.

Can you go to your parents?
Let your DH and kids go to his.

Actions speak louder than words...maybe they'll realise that their nasty behaviour in the past has worked and you won't play happy families any more.

Stay at home as a family and DH can visit for an hour in the morning while you are v busy cooking.

If they can't even be polite enough to invite you to a family wedding, I think you are off the hook for a family get together!
Why did your husband allow this to happen?
Frankly, I'd give up on any pretence and be clear with dh that you aren't going. I think I'd be more concerned about my husband allowing his family to treat me like shit, than the in-laws themselves.

If you do need to "fake" a tummy bug, a couple of dulcolax would clear the room, not just your bowels.

Honestly, fuck 'em. Have a day in your PJs and relax.

If you weren’t invited to a family wedding, why are you obliged to go for a Christmas get together? Just … don’t.

Ok when the wedding issue was brought up, DH asked how I felt about it. He was really torn and I knew he'd be unhappy about not going. He put the decision to me and I decided to be the bigger person and let it go.

It's his mum that wants to play happy families. I will ask my dh how he feels about me not going. I don't want to stand in the way of my children and husband's relationships with that side.

Honestly OP? I don’t think that he should have put the ball in your court about the wedding. What were you supposed to say to him? He should have declined the invitation due to the lack of respect shown.

Anyway - to answer your question - stay home but don’t make an excuse. Give the teens the choice.

Your DH needs to stay by your side in future if his family are blatant leaving you out.

How will your dc feel as adults knowing dh and they were seemingly acceptable of your snub?