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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can we talk about Christmas and Family.

67 replies

CookieDoughKid · 20/11/2022 18:25

I can't use Covid as an excuse not to go along to visit Dh's family this Christmas His mum is planning a one day get together. They don't particularly like me (I wasn't invited to his brother's wedding yet dh and children still went). It's the kind of one way conversation where they only talk about themselves and never asks me about my life or who I am and i find it really boring. I don't suffer fools well and a conversation with his step father is often like going into verbal combat.... he tries to test me on my knowledge and proves he is right all the time.

His brother and wife actively dislike but we can remain civil.

Last time I saw them was 18 months ago. His mother is elderly and caring for his step father who has grade 4 brain cancer but is honestly still a f barstard and I always feel tense around them. Teen Kids will want to go as they want their presents.

Basically I know I am being unreasonable not to accommodate one day at their house as his mum wants to play happy families but...I guess I am asking for coping strategies. If my dh wasn't here anymore I would not keep in touch with any of them or see any of them. Ever.

Yet dh will go along to my family every time, we've been on holidays together and it's just a lot of fun. My side of the family and much younger and humorous. And we have a lot of laughs.

Yet I know I am BU but am dreading it. What do you do and how do you cope?

OP posts:

Always4Brenner · 20/11/2022 19:05

Stay home if in-laws ask why say you don’t want me there so I’m not bothering in future.

Original poster

CookieDoughKid · 20/11/2022 19:10

@TheGoodEnoughWife Deep down I'm not actually ok with it. I do feel hugely disrespected and not having been invited and I think it wasn't right DH put it in my court. But he'd always been spineless. I deliberately put a huge house move distance between me and his family (we live nearly a 3hour drive away and its been a god send in terms of my mental health). I really struggle because I'm Asian, this Christmas visit would be seen as a duty. My husband isn't Asian, he is white. If I didn't go, they would not miss me.

OP posts:

OrigamiOwls · 20/11/2022 19:10

I think DH & kids can go and you can stay home. I wouldn't be entertaining the idea of visiting personally.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 20/11/2022 19:19

How very sad that if you don't go they won't miss you. Do you include your husband in that?

Family is hard sometimes but it was completely not okay for your husband to put that on you.

In my world this would have been a 'no brainer' - just to give you some balance my husband would have refused this invite before it got anywhere near my radar. As I would for him. Husband and wife should be a safe unit. I don't think he has your back unfortunately.

StripeyDeckchair · 20/11/2022 19:22

The problem with everyone saying "let DH & DC go and have a day to yourself" is the message that it gives your children; that you don't have to be considered, that your feelings are unimportant and if you're present they can treat you appallingly.

None of this is acceptable.

Your DH needs to step up & stand up for you & his family or stop playing your MILs happy families.

Peashoots · 20/11/2022 19:22

I actually don’t think you’re being u reasonable and think it’s sad that you do, op. You seem accustomed to tolerating this level of disrespect and you don’t deserve it.
I wouldn’t go.

Sparkletastic · 20/11/2022 19:28

How very disappointing of your DH. I can sympathise as mine tends to leave me to fight his battles with his family. Can you rely on him this time around to agree on some rules of engagement with you? ie

You do not leave me alone with stepfather
You defend me if any family member is rude
You do not leave me to carry the conversation
We agree when to leave and do so within 30 minutes of that agreement

RobertaFirmino · 20/11/2022 19:30

Get yourself some nice food, some mags or a book you've been dying to read, whatever you like to drink and stash it all away. On Christmas Eve, when DH is home, take yourself into another room, make a heavy thumping sound and sit on the floor, clutching your ankle. Shout for DH and tell him you can't get up. The 'pain' in your ankle will show no signs of subsiding so you say 'I really don't want to put a downer on tomorrow, I'll just stay here and rest'.

JackieQueen · 20/11/2022 19:31

Did they give a reason why you wasn't invited to the wedding? Your husband should not have accepted such behaviour. I'm glad you have a lovely family to spend time with. 💐

RobertaFirmino · 20/11/2022 19:31

Posted too soon...that's if you really feel you cannot be honest, of course.

Georgeskitchen · 20/11/2022 19:31

Ugh what horrible people. Send DH and Dcs, and have a nice relaxing day by yourself

Comedycook · 20/11/2022 19:32

Don't debate anything with your stepfil...just agree with everything. If he asks a question, reverse it...what do you think? Then tell him he's definitely right.

ImAvingOops · 20/11/2022 19:33

I wouldn't be so quick to send my kids off to them either.
If they were keen to build a close relationship with your children, they wouldn't be so unkind to you. They would be welcoming to the mother of their grandchildren - they would care about you because they would know that this is best for your kids.

It isn't good for children to see family member's disrespect their parents - it makes them feel conflicted. Your husband is still putting all this on you - if you don't let the kids go then it's you being the bad guy. He should be telling his family that none of you have any interest in a family get together with people who have happily excluded (and behaved in a hostile manner) to a key member of his family.
If he doesn't have your back, at least keep the kids away from them.

amiold · 20/11/2022 19:37

Just say you are not going. They don't like you and make your uncomfortable. You'd make an effort if they did but they don't, if he asks how say they didn't even invite you to a family wedding. I mean what is that teaching your kids??

Hoppinggreen · 20/11/2022 19:40

I wouldn’t go.
DH goes to see his Mum a few days before Xmas on his own, kids go with him if he can persuade them.

Original poster

CookieDoughKid · 20/11/2022 19:43

@toomuchlaundry it's a day during the Christmas holidays but not Christmas day itself. But as we live some distance away, it's not quite pop in and out type visit.

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 20/11/2022 19:45

FourTeaFallOut · 20/11/2022 18:38

For the sake of your DH and your children's illusion of relatively peaceful relations with the wider family, I say you just sit on your feelings for a day and play nice. I imagine only a fraction of us would be friends with our in laws if it weren't for our spouses. Sit, nod, endure, go home, drink wine.

Usually, I would be thinking this. However, given the wedding invitation bit, I am not sure I would bother. If it isn't Christmas day, I would have a wee day to myself.

Puddywoodycat · 20/11/2022 19:50

I would feel a little petty. Had he decided either not to go to the wedding But, really wanted to go now I'd feel more inclined to go .

It's a shame he didn't say re wedding that it's unfortunate his family have made you feel so unwelcome that you don't want to go etc.

I don't see why you're going now. Your in-laws don't like you. I would just send DH and the DC.

Do your own thing.

If your DH is upset you need to say that's unfortunately they have been allowed to disrespect you and therefore you don't feel comfortable going.

Rinatinabina · 20/11/2022 19:50

They go without you, I’d be really bloody hurt too. It’s up to them if they want to hang go but it shouldn’t be inflicted on you.

ITakeCharge · 20/11/2022 19:50

I wouldn't go in your position. The fact you were nt invited to a family wedding & your husband still wnet is your get out of jail free card there - you have no obligation to be polite, inclusive or tolerate things for anyone else's sake as no one showed you the same courtesy. the fact it is not Christmas day itself makes it easier as you won't be stuck trying to sort something else out or be home alone if that is a concern for you.

I would not have anything to do with these peole again & your husband can make his own choice. the tricky bit is the kids as I agree with other posters that watching your husband let you be treated like this by his family is not a good message to give them but if they are teens then they are old enough to pursue the relationships they want to within the family and I agree that you are being set up to be the bad guy if you prevent this. Ideally I suppose your husband should have gone to the wedding alone or not at all as taking the kids & leaving you behind has shown them the disrespect they can get away with.

Original poster

CookieDoughKid · 20/11/2022 19:52

@Notthetoothfairy His mum lives in Reading. Obviously she wants both her sons and wives to be there and she probably doesn't want the hassle to entertain on two different days.

Why wasn't I invited to the wedding? It runs very deep. They feel like I'm a troublemaker in their family (I'm not, I vehemently am protective of children and i don't go around making criminal accusations about another family member of THEIRs regarding child abuse for jokes (to which their was an arrest.)
I have a long history on mumsnet about what happened to my child at the time.

OP posts:

Puddywoodycat · 20/11/2022 19:53

Cookie, if the 3 hours move was your instigation and wish then you won that one .

How many of us wish we had 3 hours distance.

However it remains that these people have been rude and your DH did nothing. You can't be expected to go now.

RandomMess · 20/11/2022 19:55

If you feel your DC are safe with just DH taking them then feign illness and don't go OR tell DH you aren't going and tell him he can say what he likes.

Puddywoodycat · 20/11/2022 19:56

Right.
Well your subsequent post's sound's like things are a lot more serious so not sure what to say.

Original poster

CookieDoughKid · 20/11/2022 20:01

@Puddywoodycat It was a long time ago, over 10 years ago. Time is supposed to heal. My children are much older now and we don't see the perpetrator any more. But I think it does taint family relations. And try that we want to move past it, not being invited to their wedding is a an indicator right?

OP posts:

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