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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can we talk about Christmas and Family.

67 replies

CookieDoughKid · 20/11/2022 18:25

I can't use Covid as an excuse not to go along to visit Dh's family this Christmas His mum is planning a one day get together. They don't particularly like me (I wasn't invited to his brother's wedding yet dh and children still went). It's the kind of one way conversation where they only talk about themselves and never asks me about my life or who I am and i find it really boring. I don't suffer fools well and a conversation with his step father is often like going into verbal combat.... he tries to test me on my knowledge and proves he is right all the time.

His brother and wife actively dislike but we can remain civil.

Last time I saw them was 18 months ago. His mother is elderly and caring for his step father who has grade 4 brain cancer but is honestly still a f barstard and I always feel tense around them. Teen Kids will want to go as they want their presents.

Basically I know I am being unreasonable not to accommodate one day at their house as his mum wants to play happy families but...I guess I am asking for coping strategies. If my dh wasn't here anymore I would not keep in touch with any of them or see any of them. Ever.

Yet dh will go along to my family every time, we've been on holidays together and it's just a lot of fun. My side of the family and much younger and humorous. And we have a lot of laughs.

Yet I know I am BU but am dreading it. What do you do and how do you cope?

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 20/11/2022 20:12

Although it would be a hellish day I think I would still go if only to make them uncomfortable and to reinforce to them that they can’t eradicate me out of the family.

at least it’s not Xmas day itself and plan a treat for the next day to have something to look forward to to get u thru it

IAmAlreadyRegrettingMyGreyColourScheme · 20/11/2022 20:27

This sounds so stressful. If DH and the kids go they will all have a jolly day together without you getting In the way.
So id absolutely go and get in the way!! Make sure your phone is on full charge (so you can faff about on here & ignore them) and have a plan ready with DH as to what time you want to leave, and stick to it.
And good luck, they sound like a bunch of tossers.

Dacquoise · 20/11/2022 20:53

Well your husband's family made their statement by excluding you from the wedding, your husband made his by going without you.

Time to make your statement by not going to this or any event in the future. Why put yourself through it? What's going to change by you attending or not attending? Very little by the sound of it.

But you will be making yourself very uncomfortable by putting yourself through it. Save yourself!

cantley · 20/11/2022 21:15

It's a hard one OP.
The stepfather sounds awful.
The others just being " civil " rather than friendly sounds a bit grim too.
Is his mother nice to you?
Apart from Christmas how often does your husband see them?
I think I'd stay home if I was in your place.

ImAvingOops · 20/11/2022 21:57

So you've protected your children and now your in-laws punish you for it and your husband allows this? This is more serious than simply them not liking you.
You have a dh problem. Now I get that it's his family and hard for him as he will feel conflicted - these are the people who raised him and it's difficult to see clearly and deal with this. But it's not too late to change how he approaches them - you need to be really honest with him that you are hurt and upset and he needs to decide where his loyalties lie and communicate to his family that you have done nothing wrong and they need to acknowledge this snd chsnge how they behave.
I'm still thinking your kids should be nowhere near them until this happens

NoSquirrels · 21/11/2022 08:52

If I didn't go, they would not miss me.

There’s your answer.

OTOH, if you do go, reframe it in your mind as a duty/kindness to your husband, not the wider family.

vincettenoir · 21/11/2022 08:58

Maybe take a book and go for a lie down saying you have a headache. You could maybe go for a run. Bring a laptop and pretend you have some kind of work emergency. Have some tactics to limit your time with them.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 21/11/2022 09:46

@ImAvingOops and others that are watching this thread. Thank you for your inputs, I've read every single one of them. Yes my FIL is a pain in the arse. MIL just wants to keep the peace and BIL and SIL are civil in fake kind of way.

I had an explosive argument with my DH just now. I told him I don't feel valued and not being invited to the wedding says it all for me.

Let's call DH's brothers BIL1 and BIL2 who was arrested over x2 separate indecents involving indecent exposure and a peado ring chat online (the latter

police was investigating and found my son's name mentioned) but both were seperate incidents in quick succession.

Nobody in DH's family would talk about it I told BIL1 and his fiance at the time, it was important we should tell all immediate family with children about these arrests. . BIL1 and fiance took huge umbrage with my suggestion as they said it wasn't their business to know. I eventually forced this issue. You can imagine the fall out after and it came to a point that I felt it best to distance myself and my children from their toxicity as best as I could.

Sorry this has come out in a drip fed kind of way, I didn't mean it to.

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 21/11/2022 09:48

Sorry, just to be clear it was BIL2 that got the criminal charges.

OP posts:
amiold · 21/11/2022 10:20

CookieDoughKid · 21/11/2022 09:46

@ImAvingOops and others that are watching this thread. Thank you for your inputs, I've read every single one of them. Yes my FIL is a pain in the arse. MIL just wants to keep the peace and BIL and SIL are civil in fake kind of way.

I had an explosive argument with my DH just now. I told him I don't feel valued and not being invited to the wedding says it all for me.

Let's call DH's brothers BIL1 and BIL2 who was arrested over x2 separate indecents involving indecent exposure and a peado ring chat online (the latter

police was investigating and found my son's name mentioned) but both were seperate incidents in quick succession.

Nobody in DH's family would talk about it I told BIL1 and his fiance at the time, it was important we should tell all immediate family with children about these arrests. . BIL1 and fiance took huge umbrage with my suggestion as they said it wasn't their business to know. I eventually forced this issue. You can imagine the fall out after and it came to a point that I felt it best to distance myself and my children from their toxicity as best as I could.

Sorry this has come out in a drip fed kind of way, I didn't mean it to.

Wow so not only are they Arseholes they're nonces

Don't go and don't allow your kids

Hoppinggreen · 21/11/2022 10:31

By “troublemaker” they mean the only one not prepared to sweep everything under the carpet and plant happy families with a perv and/or perv apologists.
Screw the lot of them, including your DH if he expects you to play nice with them

ImAvingOops · 21/11/2022 10:53

You were really brave in insisting they tell relatives who have children. It's very hard to be the only one willing to put your head above the parapet. Don't let them, or your husband, make you feel that you are in any way responsible for how relationships have worked out since - you definitely did the right thing and it's utterly shameful that they are willing to pretend all is well and play happy families and blame you for refusing to bury the truth.

Honestly, if this was me, I'd not let my dc anywhere near them.

caroleanboneparte · 21/11/2022 18:26

Don't go. If BIL2 is there I wouldn't be sending dcs either.

BeverlyHa · 05/06/2023 19:04

Seems like the perfect set up to send husband and kids there and you to see you own family :)

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 05/06/2023 19:05

BeverlyHa · 05/06/2023 19:04

Seems like the perfect set up to send husband and kids there and you to see you own family :)

Well maybe it was since Christmas 2022 was 6 months ago.

JudgeJ · 05/06/2023 19:09

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 05/06/2023 19:05

Well maybe it was since Christmas 2022 was 6 months ago.

Show quote history

When I saw the title of the thread I was coming to type 'No we can't, in June'!

BeverlyHa · 05/06/2023 19:14

Christmas 2023 :)

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