To ask is there ever an acceptable reason to MN’ers for a man to leave a wife?

[SavoirFlair]

I’m fully prepared to get absolutely flamed for this thread, such is the understandable bias on here from us women.

But I’m wondering - once a man has children with a woman, and something fundamentally goes wrong after time (they don’t evolve together, they fall out of love, the sex ends with little chance of it coming back for one person, they argue to the point of destruction of a loving family environment)

…then is it ever acceptable to MN’ers if a man says “I’m sorry, I can’t do this” and leaves the family?

granted I get there is a crucial part missing here - the man has to have the intent to want to see his family and raise his children, have proper access, want to be a part of their lives and co-parent with respect and understanding .

However I’m often on threads on here where “LTB!” is sounded with regular frequency to the point it’s become cliche here. Does the same count for the “bastards” who have had enough? Can they ever leave?

Some notes for any of the obtuse folk on here who like to pick holes :

1. This is not a ‘reverse’ (ugh)
2. I am not a man
3. Cheating is always wrong. I’m talking about a man leaving without another partner lined up, when a relationship irrevocably breaks down
4. If this thread takes off and you’re the Daily Mail, I abhor your website which tears down women and encourages them to be catty about body types. Horrible ‘newspaper’

Good luck OP, you will be villified!

My DP left because he'd been abused - physically & verbally - for over 10 years, and still he's the bad guy and indeed villified by exw to all and sundry.
(That's despite the fact he does all you say with the kids, plus pays for everything for including her mortgage...).
So unfortunately it's just a reflection of real life...

No one, man or woman, should stay in a relationship if it has broken down to the extent that you're just making each other miserable and can't see it continuing.

Of course there is. Relationships don't always work for whatever reason and it's not always a good idea to stay together for the kids.

One day the man might even take the kids or share parental responsibility 50/50 like they do in Australia. Or even pay their fair share. These are some (not all) of the issues currently.

Of course a man can leave a marriage if he's unhappy, just the same as a woman. If children are involved, he should continue to contribute both financially and with his time.

I don't really understand why you needed to ask - isn't it obvious?

It's fine for a man to leave a marriage.

He shouldn't leave his family i.e. his children.

I have no objection to men leaving a relationship. No relationship is compulsory and just being unhappy is good enough for me.

What I do take exception to is men leaving their wives skint and having to make massive compromises in lifestyle because they dropped their hours to part time and the man now 'needs his share'. Or men leaving and never seeing their kids again because 'it's too hard' (hiya Dad!). Or men hiding their assets to avoid CM. Or the myriad of other things men do to fuck their former families over that women just don't do.

That all said, I've never known a man leave a comfy home where there wasn't another woman involved. LTB'ing is just not something they do. Maybe it's because they've forgotten how to wash their own socks, I don't know. But I just don't see men leaving in droves 'just because'

I think you are confusing the idea of a man leaving his wife with other issues that understandably get little sympathy here, such as a man cheating on his wife, or a man who has left his wife refusing to support their children.

Of course - a man or woman can leave a marriage for any reason and nobody has to stay in a relationship that is making them unhappy. As long as it is done in a way that causes least damage as possible particularly to the children and finances, childcare etc are shared fairly.

Because on here any man who leaves a relationship with children must be cheating; having a midlife crisis; had his head turned; a selfish bastard; wanting the single life etc etc. never seems to be ok that he just wanted out

Of course! If he’s being abused, then definitely. But even if he’s just completely fallen out of love, or the relationship has broken down irrevocably, or his wife is horrible to him in a way that doesn’t necessarily amount to abuse, or even if they’ve just grown apart and become completely different people.

Many reasons why the man is ok to leave. I think the key issue is what you raise about maintaining proper contact and maintenance money, I think most men don’t, and/or leave because of an affair.

My ex left with no drama. We weren't in love. There was no game playing. It worked out ok. He wasn't the villain.

Good Dad and now met and married someone else. Yes we did counselling etc but it was over.

Well that's a wild generalisation isn't it. Of course they leave with nobody lined up. Maybe it's the circles you mix in! Q

How is something that’s fundamentally a matter of opinion, “obvious” ?

I don’t come from a school of argument where the facts become the solution.

yes technically a man can leave a marriage if he is unhappy. But as one of the first posters above said, they will always get it in the neck from some women who will see them as family abandoners, no matter what the circumstances, or how much they pay, contribute etc.

I am not a MRA person. I have known many shitty men who magically forget their children as soon as a new young thing makes their ego alive again.

No I’m not confusing those issues.

I stated that in my OP.

I’m not talking about cheating or leaving someone for someone else. I’m talking about a man, deciding the situation he is in is “enough” and leaving without another relationship.

is this scenario ever permissible when there are kids involved? That was my question. Please don’t muddy the issue because you perceive me to be one of those , I was clear in my OP.

Well they usually are family abandoners arent they? How many of them say "sorry dear, this isnt working. Would you like me to be resident parent or would you prefer to discuss an alternative?"

By all means leave but dont piss off thinking that seeing your kids every other weekend and paying minimum maintenance is anything other than piss poor.

Of course there’s reasons for a man to leave!

However the issue seems to be that the man usually leaves because he thinks he deserves better than the humdrum life a wife and children provide and wants to fulfil his destiny as a past-it bachelor. IMO.

My mother was the abuser in my parent's marriage plus she was an alcoholic. My father left and left us kids with her. That was unforgiveable

This is a bizarre post.

Men do post on here about their difficult marriages and are frequently advised it’s time to leave, often for the sake of the kids (if there are kids.)

Same.

I think of course it's OK to leave a relationship for the reasons stated above by many. Cynically I do think that the bar is lower for a father to be seen as 'doing his bit', but if he genuinely does (taking equal time off for child sickness is often a good barometer) then fair enough!

I am sorry to hear this @Justcallmebebes - clearly this falls under my “unacceptable” category as your dad situation sounds like it was tantamount to abandonment and making you vulnerable

Yes

Lol. Can you imagine the uproar if a man said I am ending this marriage and I would like to be primary carer of the kids. Most women would absolutely lose their minds at that prospect. Most women don't even want 50/50. What are they supposed to do in that situation? Where the wife says no actually I don't want that you can have eow?

What’s bizarre about it @Luredbyapomegranate ?

am I meant to have read the last 3 years of Mumsnet and aggregated my thoughts on this topic based on a mental snapshot of these men and their requests for advice?

Theres nothing bizarre about me creating a topic about something in a respectful way. I’m not on Mumsnet all day, I don’t get to see every post.

The correct way to leave a relationship where there are children is to leave before the relationship has completely broken down. There should be no other people involved and the focus must be firmly set on what is best for the children. Just because you leave the relationship doesn’t mean you leave your children. Too many people leave it too late and separate when it’s acrimonious. This IMO makes it harder to coparent.

I am divorced now. Daddy is a very high earner and good at that. Terrible husband for me and mediocre father to his children while married. Now he is just a mediocre father and I will get a break once the parent plan is sorted properly. He doesn’t pay anything towards the children, I don’t get alimony but I make enough myself that it doesn’t impact the children.

Daddy has plenty of other women. Whatever. It’s just noise. I’m focused on providing for my children, two of them have ASD and my youngest was diagnosed last week with dyslexia. My life hasn’t changed all that much except I have one less child to care for and less money at my disposal. I have enough money though that with a little budgeting I’m absolutely fine.

This would all be very different if money was an issue. Keeping my career going while he earned 10x what I earned was the best investment for me and my children.

I don't get why it would be any less acceptable for a man to end a relationship because they are unhappy than a woman.

I think we need to do more to move away from the idea of woman as default parent who gets to decide how often the man sees his kids.

Shared care should be the default