To ask is there ever an acceptable reason to MN’ers for a man to leave a wife?

[SavoirFlair]

I’m fully prepared to get absolutely flamed for this thread, such is the understandable bias on here from us women.

But I’m wondering - once a man has children with a woman, and something fundamentally goes wrong after time (they don’t evolve together, they fall out of love, the sex ends with little chance of it coming back for one person, they argue to the point of destruction of a loving family environment)

…then is it ever acceptable to MN’ers if a man says “I’m sorry, I can’t do this” and leaves the family?

granted I get there is a crucial part missing here - the man has to have the intent to want to see his family and raise his children, have proper access, want to be a part of their lives and co-parent with respect and understanding .

However I’m often on threads on here where “LTB!” is sounded with regular frequency to the point it’s become cliche here. Does the same count for the “bastards” who have had enough? Can they ever leave?

Some notes for any of the obtuse folk on here who like to pick holes :

1. This is not a ‘reverse’ (ugh)
2. I am not a man
3. Cheating is always wrong. I’m talking about a man leaving without another partner lined up, when a relationship irrevocably breaks down
4. If this thread takes off and you’re the Daily Mail, I abhor your website which tears down women and encourages them to be catty about body types. Horrible ‘newspaper’

Theres nothing wrong with a man leaving a bad marriage. The problem is when he becomes a cock after doing so.

Coparenting for me means I do everything and he has them when he wants on condition they are home for 5:30pm for their dinner.

The new parent plan will have him take the children every other weekend with a burger night between. They will have a sleep over every other Friday night. Daddy is in Miami in a beach side cool bachelor pad. Mummy is in a boring and dull apartment complex. Whatever. I hope he is able to be a better parent than he has been husband. I genuinely want that for my children.

Very few women would be ok with this set up. Sometimes you have to step away and let the chips fall.

I know of two women whose new male partners had ex wives who abused them. It's taken them many years to get over it all.
My own late fil should have left my late narcissistic mother in law. He didn't and his life was misery.

I've seen plenty of threads started by men where they are advised and encouraged to leave. Leaving your wife or husband for whatever reason is fine. What's not fine is leaving your children, hiding assets, shrinking responsibilities , rewriting history etc.

But seemingly anything he does makes him a cock to some people. Wants children 50/50? Just doesn't want to pay maintenance. Agrees to have them on a weekend? Well when's mums fun time? Has them eow on mums request? Well he barely sees them. The fact is child access is generally the woman's decision. Court agreed access is often the shit EOW but even when it's court ordered it's not good enough. Meets someone new? How selfish. Wants to sell the house? Awful man making his children homeless. Doesn't sell the house and can only afford a one bed flat? Well he clearly doesn't want his children to stay.

Honestly I think a lot of men can't win. Of course, there are plenty of dickhead men and women but in reality I think a lot of people just don't like the reality of what splitting up means. No, you can't have the same life. None of you.

I don't think it's acceptable to leave your wife with a very young child unless there is actual abuse to escape. A baby is a commitment that should be a priority over adult relationships.

Once a child is older I think it's acceptable to leave your wife but not to leave your child - i.e. you should be providing care, time and money (as much as you can).

No one should have to stay in any relationship. If you're not happy then leave. I think sometimes we place unrealistic expectations on our spouses. It can feel like they have promised a future and are therefore obligated to stay. And I know I would be angry if my DH left for that reason. All of my future plans and dreams would end there and then. But he isn't responsible for my happiness, that's unfair to expect from anyone.

And you think that's the best thing for a child? Wow.

What happens when you want to provide care but your wife says no?

The user base on here is comprised overwhelmingly of straight women. It's ridiculous that people are so struck by the fact that the relationship problems usually involve men.

With that said, the B in LTB can be used for "bastard" or "bitch". And while there are obviously some posters who won't accept a woman can ever be wrong, if a man is posting about a serious problem such as abuse or infidelity, he will generally be told the same things.

I've got quite a few grumbles about this place, but overall, it is very supportive of people not forcing themselves to be miserable forever. The important thing, if you do split, is to do it with as much grace as possible and do right by the children.

Not being happy/ not wishing to be in the relationship after trying to work through problems is enough reason for either sex. What’s not ok is abandoning your responsibilities or treating your partner without respect and kindness. I think the reality is that lots of men find their next partner before leaving.

Either party can leave if they’re no longer happy. I think what might be happening here is someone posts for support as their partner has seemingly left out of the blue and other posters want to offer support. You’re not going to just say well he’s quite within his rights to leave if he’s not happy. You’d either stay quiet or offer some “he’s a prick” type support.

No there isn’t, there is never a good reason on here, I’ve even seen posters on here advising other posters to stay away from single dads as no decent man would ever leave the mother of his kids so he must be bad news 🤦🏻😏🤣

I've known a few couples over the years who have just stayed together for the children and I'm not convinced it was the 'right thing ' , but it's nothing to do with me at all , but just it made people unhappy.
Each partnership is different though and depends on how much people can put up with
How my own sibling has lasted as long as he has with my sil is beyond me at times , but they have and they worked through it.
No right or wrong answers to any of it really.

I don’t think anyone should stay in a relationship if they don’t want to. Be respectful, don’t cheat, communicate, be a decent person.

I think a lot of people say they're staying for thr children when really they're staying for the lifestyle. I get it; leaving for a poorer life is very hard.

But it's likely to cause all sorts of pain and confusion if the kids are somehow made to feel responsible for this. Everyone says they don't do it, but a lot of adult children have experienced it.

I was also shocked by the frequency of the LTB responses to so many relationship issues here, without any sort of hesitation. I think MN ers ,(as with anyone), will resort to the easiest solution they can think of when in reality the situation deserves more consideration

We are given a one -sided account of what's happening in a relationship and we can be sure the partner wouldn't express it in the same way from his perspective. Yes, I wouldn't want a man or a.woman to feel trapped in an unhappy relationship. Men often have fewer support networks than women and it goes against the grain to express when they're a victim of DV which we need to bear in mind when we read the one-sided accounts.
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I have rarely seen posters arguing that no one should ever leave a marriage under any circumstances.

Most people (rightly) understand that marriages do break down and people shouldn’t be obliged to be shackled together for life because they are married.

But most people correctly feel that if a relationship has run its course the honourable thing to do is to finish the relationship before embarking on a new one.

In this regard, there is no difference between men and women. Of course, there may be many good reasons why a man should leave a marriage. I don't really understand why this would be questioned (& I'm female).

Of course OP. 50% of relationships end in divorce. Many of them are no fault - just two people who really shouldn't have got married or the relationship has irrevocably broken down. I'm glad no fault divorce is now an option in the UK. Some relationships aren't built to last. Ending an unhappy marriage should be relatively easy and cheap IMO.

If the relationship has broken down and a decent attempt to fix it (eg counselling) hasn't been successful, then yes, of course it's fine to divorce. I would expect a good effort to be made first, as that's a serious committment and it shouldn't be discarded lightly. I feel that way for both men and women.

(abuse/infidelity etc is a different situation)

It's not fine to line up a replacement Support Human first, it's not fine to lie, it's not fine to mess your kids around or move on to an exciting new partner and ignore your kids' needs.

It’s virtual impossible for a man to leave and become the RP unless there are serious issues with the mums ability to care for children, which is rare.

any man deciding to leave a marriage is also forced to make the horrible decision to see their kids less. Half of the time if he’s lucky, a lot more if he’s not.

men who leave are judged, people will always say they “left their kids”, even if the woman had an affair or was violent.

I agree but the majority on here do not. Men are not fit to parent, they should be happy with alternative weekends but at the same time he berated for not doing enough. If they want more time it’s just to avoid maintenance

The thing is that most of (not all) the ‘LTB’ you see on here are things that are really common in men. Generally women don’t leave all childcare and housework, including parenting of stepchildren, to their partner, which is the most common one I see.

But if a man doesn’t want to be in a relationship any longer then he should leave of course. He should also be prepared to shoulder childcare (with PROPER arrangements) of his children, put in the work to end the relationship cleanly etc.

Anyone, male or female, is free to leave a relationship that has run its course or that is making them unhappy.

Honestly less damage would probably be done to children when parents either address the issues in the relationship or leave before the relationship breaks down. There's a lot of damage done to children when parents remain in unhappy relationships or flog a dead horse to the point where the breakup becomes toxic.

Do you actually read threads on here? I’ve seen countless threads from women saying they don’t want their exes to have 50/50
most women don’t want to 50/50 contact