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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting to be invited to a family holiday ?

69 replies

Honeyandlemonnn · 20/11/2022 12:36

Growing up i did not grow up with my mum. I grew up with my dad and his wife and their two children age 21 and 7. Anyways I have always gone on holidays with them as i lived in the house etc. I recently these past 2 years move out and had a baby. So they recently went on holiday to somewhere in europe for a week. However no one told me or mentioned it to me until they were about to go. It did feel like they intentionally tried to hide this for me as everyone else in our extended family except me was aware of them going away. In addition to this my dad bought a ticket and invited my cousin to tag along with them. I felt a little upset that i wasn't invited. But was even more upset at the fact that he chose to buy my cousin a ticket instead of me. Personally i wouldnt have expected to be bought a ticket if i went but the fact that he could afford an extra ticket and didnt think to buy it for me was upsetting. My son at the time wasnt even 2 at the time so i believe it would have been free for him to travel. Even if it wasnt free i would have covered it. Anyways I believe this stems down to my step mother not ever liking me and always tried to exclude me growing up from the rest of the family but my issue isnt with heras i cant force someone to like me, its more directed towards my dad. After i heard about the trip i called her asking her how come no one mentioned they had plans to travel and kept it secret around me. She told me it was a last minute trip that they had just planned a week prior. However after speaking to my aunt ( my cousins mum ) she told me that wasnt true they had asked her a few weeks ago in advance in order to ask for permission to take her child as she is underage. Additionally my aunt said she and her whole family were invited to the trip prior to them inviting my cousin alone but she decline due to finances and work etc so then they took her daughter.
Anyways i am wondering if i am over exaggerating by being a little upset by this, especially since my child is my dads first grandchild and would assume he would love to build memories with him.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 20/11/2022 12:37

Perhaps they didn’t want to look after your toddler while on holiday.

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 20/11/2022 12:39

@KangarooKenny but i would be looking after my own toddler

OP posts:
IntrovertedPenguin · 20/11/2022 12:39

I would assume they thought your toddler was a bit young to go and would disturb their routine? Also maybe worried they'd have to look after toddler?

Holidaying with older family members is VERY different to holidaying with a toddler.

Lime37 · 20/11/2022 12:39

I would be devestated and I would tell my dad / step mum I know they are lieing

YellowTreeHouse · 20/11/2022 12:40

A toddler being there changes the dynamic completely.

It would be rude to tell you they didn’t want your kid there so that will be why they didn’t tell you.

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 20/11/2022 12:40

@IntrovertedPenguin But if that was the case not sure why they would have invited my aunt who has a toddler and a baby

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 20/11/2022 12:42

Babies and toddlers change the dynamic of a holiday entirely, from where you can go to working around nap times and meal times and being home in time for a baby bedtime and not being able to go out in the evenings unless there’s a sitter available. It’s not much fun for childfree adults and older / teenage children.

It would have been nice if they’d communicated this to you as why they were going away but not including you and the baby; would you have taken it well if they had?

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 20/11/2022 12:44

@ComtesseDeSpair honeslty i am not sure how i would have taken it . I guess it would depend on the approach that was taken. Regardless They still invited my aunt who has a toddler and a baby and she declined

OP posts:
Watchthesunrise · 20/11/2022 12:46

A European break. Sounds lovely.

A European break with a two year old in tow. Not so lovely.

Dotcheck · 20/11/2022 12:47

I think, given that you have a child, they assume you are now independent, and can plan your own holidays with your child.

Chikapu · 20/11/2022 12:52

I do find it odd when adults expect to be included in everything.

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 20/11/2022 12:54

@Chikapu I dont see whats wrong with wanting to included in family related activities. My sister is an adult and was included.

OP posts:
Viostep · 20/11/2022 12:55

This probably isn't the best advice but I would absolutely send a text to your dad saying something like, 'I'm hurt not to be included in the family holiday, and I know other extended family members were invited well in advance'. Message your dad, not his wife, in case she's controlling the narrative to your dad that you didn't want to come (not saying that's the case but you haven't mentioned speaking to him directly).

Message received. I'd keep myself and my toddler at a distance from now on. Life is too short to bother with people who don't value you.

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 20/11/2022 13:00

@Viostep At the time when it happend i didnt express that i was hurt, i do wish i did at the time but i left it. So since then I have kept my distance not mainly due to this but also due to other little issues as overall i have felt isolated. I think if this topic gets brought again up in future i would express how i felt

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 20/11/2022 13:35

I feel your pain, @Honeyandlemonnn & would feel exactly the same. :-(

ittakes2 · 20/11/2022 13:38

I think you need to examine why it’s your dad you are upset sigh but you asked your step mum about it. Ask your dad.

bridgetreilly · 20/11/2022 13:56

Why are you having the conversation with us rather than your father?

StarlingC · 20/11/2022 14:06

Could you afford to pay for your own flights and accommodation?

Has there ever been arguments or issues on holidays before?

thelobsterquadrille · 20/11/2022 14:09

Anyways I believe this stems down to my step mother not ever liking me and always tried to exclude me growing up from the rest of the family but my issue isnt with heras i cant force someone to like me, its more directed towards my dad. After i heard about the trip i called her asking her how come no one mentioned they had plans to travel and kept it secret around me.

I don't understand why you rang your step mum instead of your dad?

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 20/11/2022 14:35

@thelobsterquadrille @ittakes2 because i found out about the holiday from my dad. We was speaking on the phone and assumed i already knew because he said something related to the holiday but i didnt know what he was talking about. Then he mentioned that he is surprised i didnt know because his wife told him said she mentioned it to me. Which is why i rang her up because i was confused because that didnt happen

OP posts:
Rosie22xx · 20/11/2022 14:48

This is horrible.

I don't understand the comments that support what's happened and saying they assuming you might not want to go or that they probably didn't want to deal with an under 2 year old. Neither of these situations are the issue.

The issue is the fact it was kept hidden, they could've easily told you they're going on holiday. There's no problem with them going on holiday, and even if you asked about you going they can easily be open and say they don't want to take a baby with them on this trip.

If you were close enough, they would've been open about the situation. But unfortunately you aren't as close as you think. Things shouldn't be hidden, it's really unfair. And if they didn't tell you because they thought it would be an awkward conversation or they assume conflict or it was easier for them not to tell you, you again aren't that close. Just know where you stand now.

I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Honeyandlemonnn · 20/11/2022 14:54

@StarlingC If i was told in advance i could have afforded to pay for flights and accommodation.

There has been issues regarding holidays and other things in the past before i moved out and had my son stemming back before i was 18. There were times where she wasnt happy with me being included which would lead to arguments between her and my dad , but i guess this time it was easier to not include me as i dont live there anymore

OP posts:
kingtamponthefurred · 20/11/2022 15:04

If you are grown up enough to move out and have a child, surely you are grown up enough to arrange your own holidays.

LBFseBrom · 20/11/2022 15:08

I understand how you feel but it is highly probable they didn't think the holiday would be right for such a young child. A two year old can be a bit much on a European break. As for your cousin going, aunt was originally asked by couldn't do it for whatever reason so her daughter is taking her place.

It's likely not to be an intention slight towards you, op.

TomTraubertsBlues · 20/11/2022 15:10

I dont really understand the concept of holidays where the entire extended family goes. Aunts, toddlers, adult children who have moved out and have their own lives and families... it all sounds a bit much! But that's by the by.

Your issue is with your dad. He lied to you. You need to tell him you are hurt and ask why he lied about the holiday.