To even think about adopting

[MetalGuru11]

I feel like I shouldn't even be thinking about adoption but I have recently.

I'm 36, a part time teacher primary school teacher, married with two children aged 4 and 1. We own our home with no mortgage. Dh is a learning mentor in secondary. We have family support nearby.

I have a history of mental health issues going back to when I was 18. Anxiety mainly. I've been on medication (still am) and have had therapy on and off. I also had pnd after both children and was under a perinatal team. My mental health difficulties are long term but despite them I have still been able to have a career in teaching and have my own two children.

Also myself and 4yo both have ADHD. Although his hadn't been officially diagnosed yet. Dc1's behaviour can be very difficult. So that can be a challenge although I feel like it's opened my eyes and understanding to sen.

With those things going on, I feel like I'm being unreasonable to even think about adopting. However, I always thought it would be wonderful to adopt a child, to give them another chance. Dh feels similar to me. Having 3 children would also be lovely and no, I don't want to go through having another baby (two complex pregnancies and births).

AIBU or could we be considered?

you’d be mad

Post on the adoption board, OP. You’re likely to get more informed and relevant replies than AIBU.

I shouldn't think you'd be considered when you have biological children that young.
It's an amazing thing to adopt, but you have some amazing things already in your life. Focus on your children, would be my advice

You would be better thinking about fostering when your children are older and the 4yo is more settled.

I think you have enough on your plate, frankly.. You have two children, are not well and already stretched. I hope things improve generally for you, which they could, but bringing another child into the scenario will not help and neither would it be fair to the child or the two you have.

I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be approved. Sounds like you have a full life. Enjoy it as it is.

Is your youngest 1?
1 is very young, and if you had postnatal depression then it feels like that is very close to current. Especially if you were under a perinatal team which shows it was very serious

Usually things like depression etc wouldnt exclude you from being considered but id expect they would want more than a year from a significant relapse.

They also normally like a bit of an age gap so it would be unusual to be approved with an under 2 year old (often it seems the age gap is around 4 years in my experience)

Things like having an adhd, and a child with sen wont be automatic nos as long as they feel that you have time and resilliance for a new child who may have extensive attatchment needs.

The adoption board is a good place to read and post to get a realistic view of the process and what they are looking for. Its something that sometimes people get odd advice for from people who know very little if anything about the process so its best to speak to people with experience

I think you could be considered (a friend of mine adopted alone, and people adopt groups of siblings) but you would need to demonstrate that you had the time and energy for another child, and that you could manage having both birth and adopted children. Any adopted child is a vulnerable child to some extent. There’s no harm finding out about it, but they might expect you to wait a while.

You should post on the adoption board for answers from experienced adopters.

Having MH problems and having kids with SEN aren’t barriers to adoption But you need to think about how your particular combination of circumstances would appear to a social worker.

And you also need to think about whether your family could deal with a potentially challenging child when there’s quite a high level of need within the family already.

And on a practical level, your youngest child has to be at least three years older than an adopted child so you’re quite a few years off being able to do it in any case.

It's wonderful to think about and research. I don't know that it would be wonderful for your family to do anything about it any time soon.

I think you also need to have an honest think about your motivation. Altruism is great but there are lots of prospective adopters out there.

Saying having another child would ‘also’ be great sounds slightly odd. You should want another child first and foremost and then consider whether adoption is the right route to achieve that.

(I’m an adopter FWIW).

Most or all children available for adoption have very complex issues that will impact all of you, forever.
They need massive amounts of attention, appointments, probably family or sibling meet-ups, therapy.
As services are being cut all the time, help is minimal, promised but not appearing, or useless when you finally get it.
I think you have enough to cope with and your children are far too young. When your youngest is secondary school age, I would suggest you think about it again.
In the meantime, read as much as you can on the adoption boards here and on Adoption UK forums.

No harm in thinking about it and researching everything adoption entails. From what I understand from friend's experiences who have adopted, it's hardly a fast process. I think it's admirable you want to try to help a child have their best chance at a full life. You're still young at 36 and are in a relatively unique situation of being financially solvent and having achieved a lot career wise already, despite having had your own mental health struggles which you are proactively seeking to improve. I think in the long term you would have a lot to offer an adoptive child.

Honestly, I think you need to think about your reasons for wanting to adopt. To give a child 'another chance' sounds awful, they are not charity cases and you would not be their saviours. You should want, first and foremost, to have another child.

Here in the UK, it would not be a good idea as most children available for adoption have been through the mill. In the US where you could adopt a newborn it would be within the realms of reality.

There is nothing to stop you trying but I'm struggling to think how you would actually manage it.

Adoption is another chance at having a set of parents and it's a very precious thing to a child. There's nothing wrong with wanting to offer that. People who just want another child should probably think twice as adoption is unlike just having another child.

The faux offence is unnecessary.

It's not unreasonable, but go into it with your eyes very wide open. And consider your existing children carefully.
It may seem like sunshine and rainbows when the kids are young but the statistics show that all is not well for adoptive families a few years down the line. Eg 12% of adopters recently said that their family "was mostly doing well"... that's a huge proportion that aren't. 72% had experienced violence or aggression from their adopted child in the past year. Source: adoption uk barometer.

To be honest I wouldn’t think about adopting in your shoes.

for one it’s usually preferred if the adopted child is the youngest in their family. It’s unlikely you’d adopt a child youngest than your younger child. I think the dynamics of adding in another child, who would probably be 3+ would be a nightmare. That’s before you add in the fact that most adopted children have needs or trauma to a greater or less degree that mean they might need different/more intense care.

Adoption breakdown is a real issue and I believe (tho don’t quote me) breakdown is more likely where adopters also have their own biological children. How would you feel if the adoption started having a massively negative impact on your biological children?

yea I just think this is something to revisit in maybe 5 years time or more.

Op I don't know how they will view your MH issues.

However I can confirm that an adopted child must be younger than the other children in the family.
It's not natural for a child to enter a family in any other position than youngest, apparently to place a child out of order is really upsetting for all the children concerned.

The whole process, people diving into your past, and finances can be very intrusive.

If its something you and DH are seriously considering it might be worth having a chat with an adoption agency.
I know people who have adopted took over a year to be approved and a further year to be successfully matched with a child.

Where have you got this info? And if you don’t believe people should adopt in the uk then what do you suggest should happen to uk children who can’t live with both families? All adopted children have a level of vulnerability and any adopter should research and be prepared to take this on. Adopters needs come second to the child, as should any parent

Here are a few events I know to be facts.

Most details of child’s life were withheld from adoptive parents until a judge ordered otherwise post-adoption.

Foster carer was told by SS not to disclose the child’s violent behaviour to her, when she met the adopters.

Ss told the adopters that they wanted to rush the adoption through as the fosterer was becoming too attached to the child.

This fosterer later told the adoptive parents she could not wait to pass the child on and wouldn’t ever foster again because of him.

Child behaved surprisingly well for 6 weeks or so, then changed overnight. After this first few weeks, the child was violent-spitting, kicking, hitting, pinching on a daily basis. (Fine at school)

Child persistently and perpetually hitting and kicking the adoptive mothers breasts. Could not be stopped. She had massive bruising and abscesses which developed into cancer.

Child repeatedly saying they wanted to kill the adoptive mother.

Child ‘breaks all my things ’ is exactly what an older sibling of an adoptee told me.

Child attempts to hurt family pets so they have to be kept apart.

Family support falls away as people cannot cope with the behaviour.

Child at secondary age makes threats of false accusations as a means of getting his own way.

Family members are all afraid of the child as they reach their teens.

Child still wets and soils by choice, at secondary age.

Child sees the appointed therapist but the therapist, who would not allow the adoptive parents into the room, sobs when back in the waiting room, while the child laughs at her.

I’m sorry but there is no way of knowing how any child will behave. No guarantees.

@Marcipex i don’t think anyone is suggesting adopting children is easy so unsure why you feel the need for such a negative post. Obviously the behaviour you note is extreme and will not be the case for all or even most adopted children. There is support available for the struggling children and their adoptive families

@Marcipex There is no scientific evidence that breast bruising turns into cancer. That is scaremongering.

Support available... I'm going to guess you've never tried to access this support?

@Marcipex

Physical injuries do not cause breast cancer. You had me until you said that. That post is just fear mongering and not representative of every adoption.

OP, your youngest is 1- I would wait a couple of years and see how you feel. I would also look at fostering first, if your primary motivation is altruism.