To even think about adopting

[MetalGuru11]

I feel like I shouldn't even be thinking about adoption but I have recently.

I'm 36, a part time teacher primary school teacher, married with two children aged 4 and 1. We own our home with no mortgage. Dh is a learning mentor in secondary. We have family support nearby.

I have a history of mental health issues going back to when I was 18. Anxiety mainly. I've been on medication (still am) and have had therapy on and off. I also had pnd after both children and was under a perinatal team. My mental health difficulties are long term but despite them I have still been able to have a career in teaching and have my own two children.

Also myself and 4yo both have ADHD. Although his hadn't been officially diagnosed yet. Dc1's behaviour can be very difficult. So that can be a challenge although I feel like it's opened my eyes and understanding to sen.

With those things going on, I feel like I'm being unreasonable to even think about adopting. However, I always thought it would be wonderful to adopt a child, to give them another chance. Dh feels similar to me. Having 3 children would also be lovely and no, I don't want to go through having another baby (two complex pregnancies and births).

AIBU or could we be considered?

@scarletisjustred no I am not scaremongering.
The adoptive mother developed a rare aggressive cancer on the site of the severe injuries, which the specialist, unaware of the family situation, explained is caused by massive bruising and asked if she had been in a car accident as he had seen it before as a result of a seatbelt injury.

@Ivyonafence in this case the cancer specialist asked if the woman had been in a car accident, as this is the most usual cause of massive bruising, which had developed into a rare form of cancer. He expected it to be from a seatbelt injury.

And of course that won’t happen to every adopter.
I am not trying to ‘have’ you, I am giving examples of how unbelievably difficult it can be.

Adoption is tough

The process to be approved to adopt is tough.

The wait for a match is tough

Parenting adopted children is the toughest thing I have ever done in my life. It is not the same as parenting a birth child. I have found most people who have not adopted do not get it.

As it gets tougher the support network gets smaller and no one wants to babysit or have you all spend the day with them. You become isolated. There is no break and no respite.

I am currently parenting adopted teens on my own. Ex h turned out to be abusive to me and unfaithful. He also moans he doesn't see them enough but at the same time will not make time for them. Because they both have complex needs and one is autistic, he cant cope with them.

I spend my time juggling looking after them and going to meeting after meeting to support and help them, supporting elderly parent, working part time and running a home. I cant leave them home alone for more than an hour. Which makes working options slim.

They are not like regular teens. They are not as independent as normal teens although sometimes they want to be.

Oldest is violent to us and verbally abusive also. The younger one is not physically violent but verbally aggressive.

Then the risky behaviour teens demonstrate is far higher with my girls than their peers. They can not self regulate and explode without warning constantly.

Sometimes it feels like I am on a roundabout that goes faster and faster and never stops and I cant get off.

If you seriously want to adopt I think your dc need to be older than they are now. There is no harm in finding out more now and reading some books on attachment and the like. But it is not an easy journey.

That is not to say everyones situation is the same. I do know one family who have an adult adopted child who although had some challenges when younger is coping well and is living independently. However most people I have met along the way who have adopted it is a different story.

And of course that won’t happen to every adopter.

I'd be willing to bet it happens to less than a hundredth of 1% of adopters. Adoption is hard but your posts are the equivalent of the HIV adverts in the 80s. IT WILL KILL YOU. No, no it won't. And everything else becomes completely unbelievable because you said that.

I know a few families who are adoptive. Lots of challenges, masses of love. I still wouldn't recommend it to OP right now.

@MrsTerryPratchett I am sorry to say that every word is true.

Many adopters are hurt and injured by adopted children who are unable to self-regulate. 72% I think is the figure.

I didn’t say that the parent died. (She did)

@Marcipex it's just not true that bruising causes cancer.

It is possible that injury to an area with a tumour would cause an existing tumour to hurt or be felt for the first time because of the injury. In fact, I once had a client who was kicked in the groin, and the pain did not relent, which led to a very early diagnosis of testicular cancer.

It is more likely that the bruising caused her to examine and become aware of the tumour in her breast, but it would have been there regardless.

Well, @Ivyonafence that isn’t what her specialist said.

I would recommend having this moved to the adoption board. There are some wonderful posters on there.

Maybe have a look at adoption uk and some of their webinars for your research.

In reality it's the hardest most rewarding thing I have ever done.

My son is amazing, but needs a higher level of support than my birth child. He is also more susceptible to risky behaviour than his peers. I worry about him much more than I do my birth child. We adopted my son at 6 months old.

You would have to think about how it could impact your existing children.

We have accessed support (and it's been excellent) from the post adoption support team, but the wait times etc can vary from team to team.

You'd be crazy. Throwing the bomb of a traumatised child into your lives. Madness.

@Marcipex i believe you

Just googling and while some studies say no link this one says there can be a link between severe physical trauma to the breast and cancer www.researchgate.net/publication/11249399_Can_physical_trauma_cause_breast_cancer

Op I think you would want to research PAD - post adoption depression happens and is real.

I am very close to a family who adopted two young children. One adoption unfortunately broke down and one limped on until the child left home.

One of the children has had multiple prison sentences by 25 and almost died after a very serious accidental recreational drugs overdose. The other has had extreme risk taking behaviour, suicide attempts and has never lived independently. This child lives in some kind of supported living provision for people with mental health issues. I’m not saying this is in any way the norm, but my friends were totally unprepared for the reality. The full history of the children was not disclosed to them.

Some more stats from the Adoption UK Barometer

61% experienced stress, anxiety and/or symptoms of post adoption depression

For the older adoptees:

45% of 16-25-year-olds had accessed mental health services in 2021

I’d ask for this to be moved to the Adoption board if you want a realistic, measured discussion about adoption - anything about adoption on the main boards tends to attract hyperbole and unfounded opinion.

None of the things you’ve mentioned would in and of themselves stop you being able to adopt. There would need to be an age gap between your youngest and any adopted child but the assessment process is such that your youngest would likely be old enough for there to be a gap before matching. The process can feel very intrusive and that can feel stressful, and matching an early placement are hard in different ways so you do need to be resilient, for that reason I’d be actively seeking any ADHD diagnosis and starting any treatment needed for mental health issues . While you’d need to have a period of stability for the process, you’ll also need it so you have a baseline of what it feels like when you’re well and to know what it looks like when you’re unwell, and to draw on your support networks.

In terms of children, yes there are challenges and some of those can be significant however in my experience and in the experience of my circle of adopter friends all but one family is doing really well with no major issues, the other family need some support but no more than any family where a child has SEN.

If you are serious I’d start now doing some reading about the impact of developmental trauma, thinking about how you currently parent and reading up on therapeutic parenting which is a style of parenting evidenced to support children with attachment difficulties.

I’m a mum through adoption, my two kids are the brightest, best thing in my life.

Sorry, I should have added, I was thinking about adopting in the future. Maybe 5 years time.

But with long term mental health issues, one I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to even consider it (even though I'd love to) and two, maybe they wouldn't even consider us?

You’re not unreasonable to consider it, and 5 years gives you a long time to decide whether it’s right for you and to see how your child’s additional support needs pan out in reality. I’d use the time to get yourself in the bed position financially, health wise, etc and see how it goes.

There’s nothing you’ve said that would be an automatic “no”, so put that aside until you know where you are over the next few years.

We adopted DD13 as a baby after thinking long & hard ( she’s our only one) but although we love her deeply, the years since she started secondary school have been unbelievably stressful & at times nearly broken us. If we knew what we know now we wouldn’t have made that choice, heartbreaking as that is. Adoption can be a wonderful thing & we keep being told what a great thing we did but most people don’t see the whole picture.

From what I’ve read you need to have at least 4 years between adopted child and you fear biological child. As most children are at least 2 (very rare to get babies) then you will have to wait a fair bit.

I get it op as I always wanted to adopt too, but have a good look at it. After having biological children it does change things as you need to think about them. The trauma is severe :(

*your youngest biological child needs to be bd at least 4 years older than adopted child

You could put things in place now to make it an option later, such as completing training on trauma informed care and navigating difficult situations. I would not do it with my own (young) children in the house. Maybe it's because I work in a related field but a child could come to you with numerous problematic behaviours, they could have been exposed to drug use or sexualised behaviour. They're going to take all your focus. I would definitely reconsider in ten years as you and your husband sound like you would be great with lots of relevant experience.
You have a long road ahead of you with your own children, including fighting for an EHCP etc. If your adoptive child was established in a school then they won't move them and so you could end up with two schools to drop off and pick up from.

Hi! I am an adoptive parent to two teen boys. I adopted them with my then husband over 10 years ago.

The assessment process was rigorous. I was on anxiety medication and was asked to come off it, which I did. We did have to show how we could give the time etc to a child who had greater needs. This included financially if one of us had to give up work etc

My children both do have additional needs and it has been difficult at times. I wouldn't change it, my children are amazing. However you are doing the right thing in terms of asking for experiences etc. Mental health issues in my experience are quite rightly thoroughly investigated and questioned by the social worker and adoption panel,along with lifestyle etc.

As others have said, they like the adoptive child to be the youngest in the family

Good luck in whatever you decide

You’re not unreasonable to think it, of course not. Have a look at local agencies and see what they say. I’ll be honest I was put off, which makes me so sad. Because most women’s have abortions in this country to be put up for adoption there is severe abuse, learning disability where the parents can’t cope or mother was an addict. The problems for the child are longterm. I’ve heard of women having to give up their jobs to basically care longterm for the child.

Adoption is a case by case basis, the only things guaranteed to exclude you is things like murder, sexual assault and crimes against children.

You need to look at some practical bits. You were diagnosed with PND, what then happens if you once again suffer with PND when a child is placed with you. How would you (as a family), bond with, parent, meet the needs of your youngest child, while meeting the needs of your older two and adequately meeting your own medical needs. Post adoption depression is very common, so if you have already suffered with PND it wouldn’t surprise me if you were at a higher risk of post adoption depression. One positive is that you would know you’re higher risk in advance so you could potentially be fairly proactive.

Income. I see you both work, what would happen if you’re child couldn’t cope in childcare, or wrap around care. Could the family finances afford to lose an entire wage on a longterm basis.

Expectations, parenting an adopted child is very different, how would you find sharing your child with their birth parents? On top of that developmental and behavioural expectations will need to be different, in five years your children will be young, they may find it difficult if their younger sibling in their eyes is allowed to get away with things. My son is so far very easy and we haven’t had any significant issues (yet), however the parenting he requires is completely different to what most children need, if I get it wrong I fuck up, rather than just making him a bit stroppy for a bit. I can’t have a fuck it day with routine etc, theres even leas flexibility with his parenting.

What age group are you interested in, but more importantly why.

That sort of thing, your area likely has an adoption support group run by adopters, get in touch, have a chat, look at some real life experiences.

So lovely of you OP but I would wait until your children and significantly older. To add a child with challenges into the mix, by the sounds of everything else, would significantly negatively impact your children and your mh.

Can you afford it? I know you said you have no mortgage but learning mentor salaries are awful (I used to be one) and you only work part time?

Knowing the reasons why a couple I know were turned down at the very first hurdle - with far less significant issues - I sadly think you wouldn't be considered.