To even think about adopting

[MetalGuru11]

I feel like I shouldn't even be thinking about adoption but I have recently.

I'm 36, a part time teacher primary school teacher, married with two children aged 4 and 1. We own our home with no mortgage. Dh is a learning mentor in secondary. We have family support nearby.

I have a history of mental health issues going back to when I was 18. Anxiety mainly. I've been on medication (still am) and have had therapy on and off. I also had pnd after both children and was under a perinatal team. My mental health difficulties are long term but despite them I have still been able to have a career in teaching and have my own two children.

Also myself and 4yo both have ADHD. Although his hadn't been officially diagnosed yet. Dc1's behaviour can be very difficult. So that can be a challenge although I feel like it's opened my eyes and understanding to sen.

With those things going on, I feel like I'm being unreasonable to even think about adopting. However, I always thought it would be wonderful to adopt a child, to give them another chance. Dh feels similar to me. Having 3 children would also be lovely and no, I don't want to go through having another baby (two complex pregnancies and births).

AIBU or could we be considered?

Some children who need families have issues due to their circumstances. Even those adopted as babies can have attachment disorders, behavioural issues etc. It isn’t just a case of getting a new baby and living happily ever after.

I'm an adopter, and some of the voices of reason here I recognise also.

I think your update of waiting a few ears is sensible. At that point you would see how the needs of your 2 BC have worked out and whether you may have capacity for a 3rd child.

What I will say however, is that with children with SEN their needs can increase as they go through schooling and demands get more, it won't always 'get easier'.

Both my AC hit significant difficulties when aged 16, some relating to adoption, but others relating to their SpLD.

If you have ADHD (I do too), watch out for taking on too much to satisfy the low dopamine levels in your brain. It's a classic ADHD trait to take on significant new commitments/projects as your brain is seeking new sources of stimulation but then you overstretch yourself.

Apologies if I am telling you things you already know.

@reallyworriedjobhunter not at all. You're spot on and I do have to be very aware of this.

You said you have no mortgage, but I'm curious as to how you would actually afford to have three children? I know many children have happy childhoods without foreign holidays and expensive trainers, but swimming lessons and school trips all add up. And logistically taking three DC to clubs and parties is a handful- would one of you give up work for a year or so, or do you have endless energy to run a household with 3 DC and work? And many children in need of adoption have siblings- could you take on more than one child? It's a lot to consider.

would one of you give up work for a year or so, or do you have endless energy to run a household with 3 DC and work?

The expectation is that one parent would take a years adoption leave (or that both parents would share a years adoption leave). Statutory leave payments are the same for adoption and maternity leave, and most employers I've come across match any occupational leave enhancements across maternity and adoption leave. After that there’s the usual options open to any parent to reduce hours, work a compressed pattern etc.

You’ve got time to get yourself into the best position possible to look at parenting an adopted child. Use your time well - in your shoes I’d stabilise my career (which gives you more options post adoption), build your savings pot to anticipate an additional child and to cover adoption leave, build your informal support network and take care of your mental health.

@MissHavershamReturns thankyou

Get your post moved to adoption. You will get replies from people who have actually adopted and understand the realities of adopting.

OP, I think you have enough to deal with in your life at the moment, without adopting a child. Enjoy the ones you already have.

I always wanted to adopt and I have but I waited until my own child was in his 20’s so I could give my daughter my one to one attention. I’ve had a very successful adoption and I’d recommend it to anyone BUT your home circumstances must be very, very stable.

Do you have a spare bedroom? If not, would you need to move house (and can you do that without getting a mortgage) to facilitate having the extra room?

If your older child's ADHD affects their sleep and/or behaviour at night or in the early morning if they wake early, it could make things additionally difficult for your younger child if they have to share a bedroom, on top of the upheaval involved in a new child arriving and then having to live with two siblings with additional needs.

i have a child with ASD and seriously considered adoption (have looked into the idea for years, had actually just started the process when very unexpectedly fell pregnant with DS).
To me, ‘special-needs parenting’ is just parenting. we dont care about when milestones should happen, we just celebrate achievements, we fight and fight for all the intervention our child can get, we pay no heed to the opinions of others who dont walk in our shoes. i feel i have LOADS to offer an adopted child.
but i still didn’t go through with it, cos as an adopter said to me, how would DS cope with another child having a meltdown? would he be able to regulate himself if there was another child in chaos in the home? If it wouldn’t be right for everyone in the family, as it sounds like it might not be the best thing for your ADHD child, then its not right.