Is it damaging to tell an almost 3 year old to stop crying

[mummydea]

My DD has a lot of tantrums. Any time she can't get her own way really, she starts crying and screaming.

She whinges a lot too.

I tend to come down on the softer side and I feel sad for her feeling sad, so I try to comfort her, but I don't give into the reason for the tantrum. Sometimes I just let her have her moment and then I'm there when she calms down on her own a bit.

My DH has really had enough of it and now keeps telling her in a loud voice to ' stop crying '. It does actually work and she ends up saying ' oops oops, I'm sorry daddy '. I was really surprised she understood to say sorry etc.

In any case, she was also kind of holding in her tears and it really broke my heart and I'm not sure if I'm being too much or he's being too much ? When her dad has told her to stop crying, I've been there for a cuddle and explained the reasons why she's feeling sad and that it's OK to feel sad etc.

I wouldn’t. She’s crying for a reason. I’d go with your first instincts

Hmmm

Sometimes kids DO cry for no reason other than to get their way/ a treat/ whatever. If your husband has good judgement and can see that she is crying for no good reason, then yes, tell her to stop!

Absolutely don't teach her crying for nothmuch gets cuddles and comfort. Best way to destroy their self regulation and resilience. Tell her to stop is good but ignoring and distraction is probably more effective.

I’m sure it will make for some interesting conversations with her therapist in future.

It's literally been stuff like she wants to climb on the chair and knock all the papers off the desk etc. dangerous stuff, like jumping on the sofa. You tell her she's not allowed and to stop and she throws a massive tantrum.

Later she wanted to keep playing on the swing / with sand etc and was upset when we needed to leave, in that situation he didn't tell her to stop crying.

Hmmm, if she's verbal I'd tend to go for something along the lines of, "I'd like you to tell me what's wrong, but I can't understand if you are crying."

My own son has emotional control issues related to his sen. I have to call when he needs a cry and a cuddle to defuse, but you do get quite good at telling that from the 'I want a biscuit' cry.

I wonder if your husband can tell the difference, especially as it does seem to work. If I said don't cry to my child mid meltdown it would be utterly useless and have no effect.

Encouraging communication helps children recognise and process their feelings, so naming the emotion can help.

I mean, you know your child best. What do you think?

DS is a similar age, we console while upset. When upset has passed we explain why the action or situation was dangerous. "Stop crying" just teaches that expressing emotion is undesirable and should be shut down.

Working on not whining is more important than stopping the crying! Tell her calmly you can't hear her when she talks like that! Every time.

He’s reminding her to control her emotions, not let them control her, and it’s working. I think that’s probably a lot better for her than to reward her for bursting into tears when she doesn’t get what she wants. Though I also think an acknowledgement that not getting what you want is disappointing rather than a pretense you shouldn’t be bothered is important.

There's a difference between crying and whinging. If my DS is genuinely upset then of course I will console him. But he very often puts on a fake cry when he doesn't get his own way. I just say stop whinging and talk to me properly, and he does instantly. Then I will often try to come to a compromise that whilst not giving in to him, shows that talking properly will get him better results. It's a balance.

“Stop crying” tells her “you are too much for dad to deal with, you are only acceptable and deserving of kindness from dad when you are acting how dad wants.”

I tell her all the time to tell me with her words. She's beginning to be able to tell me, more and more. Most of the time, I'm not joking, it's because she wants ice cream or a biscuit. When I give her a biscuit, if I accidentally leave the packet out on the side, she'll grab it and want to just sit and eat them all. So I then take it away from her and a huge tantrum ensues.. I think it's probably OK to tell her to stop crying in that scenario.

But if she's upset because she is leaving grandmas house and would like to stay longer, I don't think it's nice to tell her to stop crying.

I've read a couple of books on the subject and often ignore and distract do work. But she's getting older now, I think distract doesn't work that well.

Hard disagree.

If they're crying to get their own way out a treat, on't give them their way or a treat? They'll soon learn. It is possible to allow your child to cry and also set boundaries...

To OP, I think your way is generally the right way and it's really sad that your toddler child is apologising for crying, but not that surprising, she's probably scared by her dad telling her off.

I would just say you don't need to comfort as such, just hold space for them.

With stuff like leaving the playpark I always had a 'treat' uop my sleeve to get them to come home. Anything from 'Shall we go and cuddle our guinea pigs now? They are probably hungry. They look so cute when they eat,' etc to 'Who wants an ice cream from the shop?' Reframe it so they aren't stopping having fun, they're just moving to new fun.

@BuryingAcorns I do that too, but it doesn't always work. Sometimes she just gets really upset.

Great replies thank you. It's making me think a lot. It's definitely not easy to know the right way to go.

You can’t let him do all the tough stuff. If you are certain she’s crying for nothing then don’t be available for cuddles - she needs to know that’s just for when she’s being genuine.

There's a book that's called Calmer Easier Happier Boys. Yes I know you have a daughter but it tackles the sort of behaviour you describe. It channels a gentle parenting method that does yet include clear consequences and boundaries, which I think is a good happy medium between your approaches.

One method I particularly like, that does have to be used consistently with a whole load of other steps is a wish fulfilment running dialogue. For me it helps my boy whose emotional control and language needs extra help.

For example d's going ballistic because can't have biscuits for tea. I say it would be lovely to have biscuits all day, and basically fufillnhis wish verbally. I then take this a step further because my child needs reasons and next steps, so it's be something like "But we need different foods to stay healthy and you will have a lovely pasta tea. Well have biscuits for snack tomorrow/next Monday etc.

Fine tuning at moment but has been working.

Absolutely don't teach her crying for nothmuch gets cuddles and comfort

sheesh. Imagine giving a small child love over something that clearly means something to them? This isn’t the Victorian times

Telling her to stop crying when she is having a tantrum is not going to damage her.

I'm going to have to disagree with some of these replies...

At this age, they don't know how to regulate their emotions. Sometimes they are trying to get their own way sure, but also little things like taking the biscuits away of course upsets them and is a bigger deal than it is to us.

When I battle with how to parent in these situations, I think about I would want my daughter as a future teenager (very vulnerable time in your life) to approach these situations.

By being there for her, she knows who to come to when she's upset, regardless of the reason. By telling her to stop crying, you would be telling her to suppress her emotions when you think she shouldnt be upset. Essentially telling her you won't always be there for emotional support. How would this manifest in a bullied teen? Or a teen in a dodgy situation at a house party? Etc etc. Would they end up not coming to you for comfort or help with their emotions?

I personally think you are doing the right thing, but I'm not an expert.

"Stop crying" just teaches that expressing emotion is undesirable and should be shut down.

But that is something that needs to be learned, to some extent. Not that emotions are bad but it's not always appropriate to express them.

A mix surely? Sometimes you can console and comfort. Sometimes you need to draw a line. Don't get drawn into a parenting ideology - be adaptable to the situation and aim for neutral discipline. Life really isn't Victorian disciple vs gentle parenting as some threads on here will have you believe

It's just different parenting styles. I don't think either way will damage your daughter.

I wouldn’t tell a 3 year old to stop crying. their feelings are real even if the reason seems daft to adults. Obviously I wouldn’t give in to whatever they wanted either.

I can’t see anything wrong with validating what they are feeling and being there for a hug when they want one.

I think you and your DH need to try to come to an agreement, even if it means compromise on what you think is the ‘best’ way to respond. If you rush to cuddle and comfort after he’s asked her to stop crying, then that is teaching her that mum doesn’t agree with dad. You’ll be more effective as a team. You can verbally comfort but it just sounds like you are rushing in to fix daddy’s mistake. Apologies if that’s not how it plays out.