Is it damaging to tell an almost 3 year old to stop crying

[mummydea]

My DD has a lot of tantrums. Any time she can't get her own way really, she starts crying and screaming.

She whinges a lot too.

I tend to come down on the softer side and I feel sad for her feeling sad, so I try to comfort her, but I don't give into the reason for the tantrum. Sometimes I just let her have her moment and then I'm there when she calms down on her own a bit.

My DH has really had enough of it and now keeps telling her in a loud voice to ' stop crying '. It does actually work and she ends up saying ' oops oops, I'm sorry daddy '. I was really surprised she understood to say sorry etc.

In any case, she was also kind of holding in her tears and it really broke my heart and I'm not sure if I'm being too much or he's being too much ? When her dad has told her to stop crying, I've been there for a cuddle and explained the reasons why she's feeling sad and that it's OK to feel sad etc.

I will be interested in the responses to this one as we're in a similar predicament - our DC is younger though.

DH goes with the distraction method. I've been trying to go with the stay in the moment. Feel your feels - I get it you're frustrated but you can't lick the toilet seat - type of thing.

DH has a tantrum over in 5 minutes. It's taking way longer for me and DC gets worse and worse and worse and it escalates - it's awful! I feel like sod what people say - DH's way is better and I think DC is happier for it.

He would pick DC up pull funny faces, dance around, pick up a toy, tickle etc until DC laughing again. By the point toilet seat licking is long forgotten......

I dread to think what your children are like.

But just being told to stop crying doesn't teach that. It doesn't teach how to deal with the emotions in a better way it just teaches to shut them down.

Well the first is just a tantrum, so I’d say he’s right.

In the second case I’d go for distraction, rather than making a meal of taking to her about why she’s sad.

Obviously sometimes kids need to be properly comforted, but they aren’t called threenagers for nothing - every incident of bursting into tears doesn’t need lots of attention.

But this is just YOU putting YOUR judgement on what is and isn’t ok to feel upset/cry about.

Not having a biscuit, and leaving somewhere can feel equally sad to a 3 year old. Its not ok to tell her to stop crying. It IS ok to say “I understand that you feel sad, but we can’t do X because of Y”

It's futile

A toddler's tantrums are expressions of extreme emotions. They need these acknowledged, soothed and contained, need an adult's calm sympathetic presence to help them learn to regulate their emotions.
Naming the feelings (as in, "you're upset you can't have the biscuit/climb there,") is important as it helps the toddler develop her own emotional awareness.
Modelling that calm sympathy and describing the emotions allows the toddler to grow up able to do the same for herself.
It means she has more chance in adulthood of coping with emotions and resilience coping in distressing times.

Telling a toddler to stop doesn't give her a chance to learn these things. Instead it can teach her her feelings aren't important, aren't acceptable, aren't allowed or valid. It gives the message that her dad doesn't want to listen or soothe her. It could also mean she learns to shut off her own emotions, meaning she's less able to cope with them later in life as she's not been taught to validate, name, self-soothe and understand them.

Exactly this.
These are real problems for toddlers and by ignoring them or getting angry your husband sends a message that your daughter's feelings don't matter or are wrong.
If he came back from work and said he had a bad day and needs a hug, how would he feel if you said 'stop complaining, I will not talk to you until you're back to being happy'?

All kids manipulate using crying, whining and wheeling. They have to be taught it's not acceptable. Three is a good age to teach it.

I used to tell mine that it was fine that they wanted to cry but they could do it in their own room. "I'm here to listen when you've stopped crying." Compared to his siblings, we indulged our youngest with crying and now he's a total sook and annoying as hell. I'd nip it in the bud at three if I were you.

Also, "I can't understand you when you use that voice. Tell me in a normal voice." is helpful for whining. I have zero tolerance for whining.

You sound a peach @Watchthesunrise

I am a peach, yes. More importantly, I have kids who were always the ones that other parents, babysitters, grandparents and teachers told us were delightful. They're good kids.

I was the good kid, never in trouble, never caused a bother. Also had to have a lot of therapy as an adult to help me not just ignore and hide away my emotions. Just to give another perspective.

Your DH is not allowing your daughter to express healthy emotions.

It’s perfectly okay to be sad and to cry. That’s a natural, healthy response.

He is shouting at her and trying to get her to suppress her emotions just because he doesn’t want to deal with it. I wouldn’t allow this.

I was the good kid, never in trouble, never caused a bother. Also had to have a lot of therapy as an adult to help me not just ignore and hide away my emotions. Just to give another perspective.

That's quite a lot of projection. All she said was the children can cry in their own space and return when they calm down. Not everyone can tolerate that kind of noise.

Nobody is going to therapy for that^^ and whatever happened to you isn't relevant because you lived a different life. I mean really, do we all have to coddle our children and never have our own emotions? Parents are human, we don't have endless patience for hearing children cry day in day out

How old are they now, out of interest?

I think there can be times they get so worked up they forget what set them off and can’t stop crying without help.

I would look up books etc to see what developmental stage she is at. There is an age where anything that thwarts them can set them off ie they want to lift the sofa. They sort of learn over time the appropriate response, a full stage sobbing fest to a tut of annoyance.

I felt with my DD that I could tell the difference and if she got into a crying jag, I would soothe her out of it.

Also, it’s worth pointing out that you can acknowledge and respect your child’s feelings and emotions, without changing the course of what you’ve said needs to happen.

Them being upset/angry etc is valid. You can acknowledge how they feel. But they still can’t have a biscuit/stay in the park/throw daddy’s shoes around etc etc.

Respecting your child doesn’t mean giving in to every whim. It means respecting the fact that some of your decisions have upset them, and letting them air that

As with all this is there's a balance to be had between acknowledging and allowing a child to express their feelings and teaching them to stiffen their upper lips. Either you can begin to teach your dd the line, or others will do it for her when she starts school. Children who weep and wail at each little thing are a drag.

Your husband is out of line and clearly lacks empathy or is immature.

Oh, and stop buying junk food with zero nutritional value (like biscuits and ice-cream) if you currently do so.

I'm with this - I also have zero tolerance for whining and whinging.
Genuine upset and crying I will offer comfort.
Stroppy whining will get an "enough now" from me.

For gods sake, she’s 2!!!!!

When my kids go through phases like this I tell them they can cry as much as they want in their room to get it out of their system but not downstairs where I am. When they have calmed down then we'll talk and have a cuddle.

Obviously I have to shout this out like a banshee or they can't hear over the din but the theory is there. When there's no audience it gets boring for them and most of the time they do calm down - and the cuddle helps. I don't want to tell them to not cry, especially sons, but sometimes we all get exasperated. I'm dreading doing 3 again with my youngest!

@Floomobal she's nearly 3. So it's a good time to start helping her regulate her emotions. It's a process that takes years to master, and it can be done in an age appropriate way but she's no longer a baby so she has recourse to other ways of expressing negative feelings than crying. Of course she's still going to cry, she's a small child. But she can learn to do other things too. Just like you start teaching them not to express anger by hitting at that age.

I’d say if she has the maturity to understand she’s being asked because her parent knows it’s crocodile tears then it’s fine.

He would be better to then add, your crying hurts my and mummys ears. Just stop and say what you want (and then we'll tell you why its not possible to play with the hot over)