Is it damaging to tell an almost 3 year old to stop crying

[mummydea]

My DD has a lot of tantrums. Any time she can't get her own way really, she starts crying and screaming.

She whinges a lot too.

I tend to come down on the softer side and I feel sad for her feeling sad, so I try to comfort her, but I don't give into the reason for the tantrum. Sometimes I just let her have her moment and then I'm there when she calms down on her own a bit.

My DH has really had enough of it and now keeps telling her in a loud voice to ' stop crying '. It does actually work and she ends up saying ' oops oops, I'm sorry daddy '. I was really surprised she understood to say sorry etc.

In any case, she was also kind of holding in her tears and it really broke my heart and I'm not sure if I'm being too much or he's being too much ? When her dad has told her to stop crying, I've been there for a cuddle and explained the reasons why she's feeling sad and that it's OK to feel sad etc.

It probably works because of the shock/surprise value.

It's not a sophisticated piece of parenting (and one which most parents have tried in desperation).

I would let him crack on but make sure you send your dd to him when she inevitably starts crying again.

OMG she's 2 just gives the poor girl hugs non stop

A far better strategy would be to tell dd "I'm sorry you feel sad. When you feel better come and find me and we can have cuddles."

It worked a treat with my tantruming toddlers.

She's a toddler who is learning to manage the emotions she experiences when things don't go the way she wants.

She needs the adult caring for her to acknowledge her emotions while keeping consistent boundaries.

Toddler meldowns become tantrums if they learn that the crying and screaming achieves their goal. You're not allowing that to happen so, as she matures and learn from you how to manage her emotions, the crying will decline and she will express herself in a more socially appropriate way.

Being a calm, kind presence who acknowledges and labels their distress for them helps them to learn to manage their emotions. It doesn't reward their expression of distress or make them more likely to cry in the future.

People who tell children to stop crying usually do so for their own benefit, not to help the child learn anything.

I have an absolutely terrible memory, and hardly have any childhood memories, but one clear one is my mum ignoring me during a tantrum. I remember thinking ‘if I cry harder surely she’ll come and hug me’ and I was literally hyperventilating. She ignored me and carried on around the house until I ‘gave up’. Honestly it’s a horrible memory.

She was a great mum generally and I’m sure she wouldn’t have done it if she knew it would be one of my earliest memories. She did it because someone told her that’s the best way to deal with tantrums.

Raising a ‘good’ well behaved child because they don’t express emotions shouldn’t be the goal. Raising a child who can regulate and manage their emotions, with you as their safety net, should be.

I never ignored my daughter’s tantrums, I always hugged her. As she got older I could reason with her more and she learnt to ‘skip’ the tantrum and tell me what was wrong, have a hug and get over it.

She’s a brilliantly behaved child and I think you’re mistaken if you believe that ignoring a child’s emotions is the only way to ‘good behaviour.’ They’re not being good they just know you don’t care enough.

I find children that cry over everything really, really hard work. My friend had two like that - they always got cuddles no matter how unreasonable whatever they were crying over was. Mine soon learnt that crying to get your own way wasn't a thing because I wouldn't give in and would make it clear 'crying won't get you what you want so let's do something else instead'.

Telling her to stop crying when she isn't allowed to jump on the sofa or throw paper around isn't going to damage her.

Don't really say stop crying but 'stop winging' is absolutely a saying in this house. Along with, 'I can't stand that awful noise'

It’s healthy to express emotions and this is how they learn to regulate them. It’s okay for her to cry because she can’t jump on the sofa or throw paper around. She should be allowed to express her upset and frustration at that.

It is not our job to stop our children crying. It is our job to set appropriate boundaries and stick to them, and help our children learn to regulate them.

They cannot do this if you try to suppress them just because you think her emotions are silly or invalid. They’re not. However silly they seem to you, they’re a big deal to them.

Yeah but telling her to stop crying when she isn't allowed to jump on the sofa or throw paper isn't going to damage her

When my DD cries, we just tell her 'the room is a no crying zone, sorry Emily, I don't make the rules'. Seems to calm down pretty quickly. So much for children not being in control of their emotions!

There's nothing wrong with asking children to go elsewhere when they scream, or even telling them 'enough now' when it's really silly stuff. This is what we encourage parents to do when they're overwhelmed. It's miles, miles better than a frazzled parent shouting or smacking their dc.

As long as everything is calm and a big can be given after.

When I say cries, I mean wailing and tantrumming over the wrong crisps etc, not crying because a finger was slammed in the door.

fucking EVERYTHING damages them 😳😥

Yeah, it's surprising there are any well adjusted adults out there

I can tell when my 2 year old cries whether he's upset or he's temporarily pissed off because I've stopped him trashing the house / playing with the taps / climbing something dangerous. If he's upset I comfort him properly. If he's crying because he's annoyed at being stopped I give him a cuddle then say something like "come on darling. It's not that bad. Why don't we..." (insert distraction).

It’s teaching them to suppress healthy and normal emotions, and that is emotionally damaging.

Well if you want to pander to every tantrum with a there there let's have a cuddle that's up to you. I'm not sure that's teaching them how to regulate their emotions though

I don't think there are...

It isn't ideal, I would say. A good way to convey to your daughter that she is responsible for suppressing her feelings so as not to inconvenience a man.

It would be healthier to help her co-regulate her emotions.

It’s an absolute gauntlet. I feel like only an actual robot could successfully parent a child at this point.

You are conflating two things. Pandering is letting them do whatever they want and get whatever they want. That is not what I’m talking about.

Boundaries should always be set and followed through (eg. Sofas are for sitting on). If child is upset about that and crying, that’s okay. It’s healthy for them to let it out.

An otherwise loving parent saying 'stop crying' even though not ideal, is really not traumatic or abusive. Again, you don't want to be asking like op's husband but people are not robots as has been said. Planting the idea that every unpleasant experience anyone has is trauma is too much.

I didn't say that your children would definitely be the same as me. Like I said, just another perspective on the child who was well behaved and praised for it. All is not necessarily as it appears.

If the father is teaching her to suppress her feelings so as not to inconvenience a man, is the mother teaching her it’s okay to demand a woman’s attention when you don’t like what’s happened, regardless of how reasonable your dislike is?

Apparently my Dad lost his temper at me and told me to stop crying at about that age. He told me as an adult he regretted it as I’ve never cried in front of him since. I don’t remember the conversation but I’m a classic elder sibling “coper” and keep my emotions to myself.