Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend mainly sees us without his DW

67 replies

nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:09

An old friend has a very busy social life. Always out with friends and on nights out etc. always attending lots of events and parties. These are usually with his DW's friends.

Friend always needs a lot of notice to meet up etc. my H and I have noticed that he seems to only make time for us when his DW and DD are out of town. We occasionally see the DW too, but usually we see the friend on his own.

My H doesn't like this and doesn't feel it's right. Would you continue to see this friend? Or should I bring it up and ask if DW has a problem with us ?

The other thing the friend and his DW do frequently is cancel plans with us and also ask us if we are available at short notice, where if we ever asked them ( which we have ) we always get to hear that they won't be free for a really long time. But they expect us to be free, say on a Monday - they'll ask if we are around on the same Saturday. We have asked them a couple of times to meet with a couple of weeks notice and it was all too short notice for them.

I don't know, I don't want to be petty, but my H is really unhappy about this and it really annoys him how they behave. I don't think it's great either, but if I cut off everyone who acts a bit like this, then I would never keep any friends. We don't see each other a lot and I have plenty of other friends that are a bit more respectful. My H is going to the level that he doesn't want the friend to even bother coming to see us, unless his DW and DD are also there. ( we also have kids )..,

OP posts:
Januarcelebration · 19/11/2022 08:12

What?

Your husband only wants to socialise with a friend if his wife and child are there?

That’s really weird.

And the. You complain they are busy and can’t make plans, but then complain if they do because they don’t always give enough notice? Then you say ‘ah we can’t, we already have plans’

I am, genuinely, confused about what the problem is.

VainAbigail · 19/11/2022 08:14

What’s your husbands problem with the friend not coming with his daughter and wife? Why is it such a big thing to him?

FGSWhatNow · 19/11/2022 08:15

Januarcelebration · 19/11/2022 08:12

What?

Your husband only wants to socialise with a friend if his wife and child are there?

That’s really weird.

And the. You complain they are busy and can’t make plans, but then complain if they do because they don’t always give enough notice? Then you say ‘ah we can’t, we already have plans’

I am, genuinely, confused about what the problem is.

First reply has nailed it... Confused

Changingplace · 19/11/2022 08:16

Your H is being a bit weird tbh, sounds like as a family to they just have busy social lives.

You could say, it’d be lovely to see W & DD next time we meet up, but making it an ultimatum is bizarre.

Changingplace · 19/11/2022 08:17

You complain they are busy and can’t make plans, but then complain if they do because they don’t always give enough notice? Then you say ‘ah we can’t, we already have plans’

Good point, so you must be equally busy OP if you can’t always make plans they suggest? It works both ways.

Tiani4 · 19/11/2022 08:18

Your DH sees this friend as being family friends and dies by understand why DW and their DCs don't come too or decline your offer meet ups as a family. Clearly your friend sees you as their individual friend and not their DWs and for whatever reason doesn't want to make family meet up plans

It's your friend so meet up how you want, if they are important to you

Regardless it sounds like to this friend you are not aa much of a Prioroty to make plans ahead of time with aa you'd prefer. That is annoying for you but your friend is telling you where you stand with them. So believe them and don't overestimate this friendship. I'm sure there are other friends you can make that appreciate you and your family more. Or that you haven't met them yet, you can't change this friend.

Tiani4 · 19/11/2022 08:19

'Doesn't' not dies by - eeek that was an unfortunate auto incorrect!!

Original poster
nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:20

I think H feels like they're always busy busy and whenever we've wanted to meet casually in a few weeks time, they're so busy to meet up, but then ask us at extremely short notice and also actually a bit pushy ( which I didn't mention ) about us meeting up / changing plans to suit them.

What's H problem with the wife and DD not coming ? I think just that he feels like wife just won't make time for us and it annoys him. Why should he make time for them if the wife can't be bothered to come ? My H has an extremely stressful job and we are also really busy, so our time is limited too. I guess he wants to spend it with people who actually want to see us.

OP posts:
Greysanatomyfan · 19/11/2022 08:21

I don’t really get it, your husband Realy wants to be friends with the wife and child and thinks he’s entitled to their company and if he doesn’t get it he doesn’t want to be friends with the guy anymore. He needs the wife there? It’s all about her?

is there history with him and her?

mynameiscalypso · 19/11/2022 08:22

Whose friend is it? Yours? Why can't you two just meet up alone?

soupmaker · 19/11/2022 08:22

Wife doesn't want to spend time with your household.

FuckabethFuckor · 19/11/2022 08:23

Maybe his wife just doesn’t like you that much. Which is fine, her prerogative. People aren’t obliged to like their spouse’s friends.

thelobsterquadrille · 19/11/2022 08:24

What a total non-issue.

Maybe his wife doesn't like you Wink

Original poster
nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:25

FuckabethFuckor · 19/11/2022 08:23

Maybe his wife just doesn’t like you that much. Which is fine, her prerogative. People aren’t obliged to like their spouse’s friends.

It is probably why. My H doesn't like my friend that much either, I think.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 19/11/2022 08:25

Is your DH jealous or co trolling at all? Sounds like maybe he doesn’t want the man getting attention from you?

Greysanatomyfan · 19/11/2022 08:25

Agree it’s so weird he’s desperate To see the wife. And will end the friendship with thr male if he can’t,whilst she’s working hard to avoid him.

does it not bother you?

Doidontimmm · 19/11/2022 08:25

Why should your husband’s friends wife have to spend time with you? They are not a package deal. This is so strange!

Original poster
nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:26

Newusernameaug · 19/11/2022 08:25

Is your DH jealous or co trolling at all? Sounds like maybe he doesn’t want the man getting attention from you?

I suspect it's also a bit of that.

OP posts:
Allsnotwell · 19/11/2022 08:26

Are you one of these couples that do everything together so assume everyone should too?

I have friends - don’t care if their husband comes or not - not seeing the issue

vivaespanaole · 19/11/2022 08:27

Why is your husband being a martyr? If he js busy or not that interested then just leave you to it to have a lovely afternoon or evening with you friend. Surely then everyone is happy.

Original poster
nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:27

Greysanatomyfan · 19/11/2022 08:25

Agree it’s so weird he’s desperate To see the wife. And will end the friendship with thr male if he can’t,whilst she’s working hard to avoid him.

does it not bother you?

No he's not desperate to see the wife. He just thinks we should all meet as families together with children as well.

OP posts:
nancydroo · 19/11/2022 08:27

We experienced this. The short notice is likely to be because they're self-conscious that they keep cancelling or not being available so trying to make an effort just to go to make it happen. You guys are periphery friends now so not the top top priority. With regards to the DW, I'm like this. I have been with DH so long I just cba to go to everything and see everyone. Time is precious and sometimes I like to use DH seeing people to do the stuff I really want to do. Yanbu though

Original poster
nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:28

vivaespanaole · 19/11/2022 08:27

Why is your husband being a martyr? If he js busy or not that interested then just leave you to it to have a lovely afternoon or evening with you friend. Surely then everyone is happy.

He thinks I shouldn't give them the time of day at all either and gets annoyed if I arrange to meet with friend.

OP posts:
Jumpwaddlecollapse · 19/11/2022 08:28

But there are different kinds of friendships. My DH is friends with people I don't really get on with - if getting together as couples was part of the deal it would not last long. It is okay that his wife doesn't want to spend time with her husband's friends. Or it has to be if you want a friendship with the DH to continue. A bit confused though - Do you meet up with your DC in tow every time?

FuckabethFuckor · 19/11/2022 08:28

nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:25

It is probably why. My H doesn't like my friend that much either, I think.

Show quote history

Right so the wife doesn’t like you, and your DH and your friend don’t actually get on either.

You’re all flogging a dead horse here, socially speaking.