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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend mainly sees us without his DW

67 replies

nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:09

An old friend has a very busy social life. Always out with friends and on nights out etc. always attending lots of events and parties. These are usually with his DW's friends.

Friend always needs a lot of notice to meet up etc. my H and I have noticed that he seems to only make time for us when his DW and DD are out of town. We occasionally see the DW too, but usually we see the friend on his own.

My H doesn't like this and doesn't feel it's right. Would you continue to see this friend? Or should I bring it up and ask if DW has a problem with us ?

The other thing the friend and his DW do frequently is cancel plans with us and also ask us if we are available at short notice, where if we ever asked them ( which we have ) we always get to hear that they won't be free for a really long time. But they expect us to be free, say on a Monday - they'll ask if we are around on the same Saturday. We have asked them a couple of times to meet with a couple of weeks notice and it was all too short notice for them.

I don't know, I don't want to be petty, but my H is really unhappy about this and it really annoys him how they behave. I don't think it's great either, but if I cut off everyone who acts a bit like this, then I would never keep any friends. We don't see each other a lot and I have plenty of other friends that are a bit more respectful. My H is going to the level that he doesn't want the friend to even bother coming to see us, unless his DW and DD are also there. ( we also have kids )..,

OP posts:

Januarcelebration · 19/11/2022 08:29

nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:20

I think H feels like they're always busy busy and whenever we've wanted to meet casually in a few weeks time, they're so busy to meet up, but then ask us at extremely short notice and also actually a bit pushy ( which I didn't mention ) about us meeting up / changing plans to suit them.

What's H problem with the wife and DD not coming ? I think just that he feels like wife just won't make time for us and it annoys him. Why should he make time for them if the wife can't be bothered to come ? My H has an extremely stressful job and we are also really busy, so our time is limited too. I guess he wants to spend it with people who actually want to see us.

That still doesn’t make any sense.

You husband wants to know why he should make time for his and your friend, if the friends wife doesn’t make time for you?

You do realise that your friend and his wife are not the same person? The friend IS making time for you. So why would you cut him off for his wife not making time? Your husband wants to punish the friend, for his wife not being present every time he is?

And that still doesn’t answer why their daughter also has to be there.

The wife does not have to prioritise her husbands friends. Your friend is making sure he sees you, surely that’s enough to keep the friendship going.

When they try and make plans at short notice just tell them that you would love to see them both but busy and won’t be cancelling plans.

Again, I Don’t see the issue with them being busy when you try and make plans. People are busy.

SleepyTimeTea · 19/11/2022 08:30

I'd just meet up with the friend on my own. Of your husband won't let you, that's your problem.

SleepyTimeTea · 19/11/2022 08:30

that's your real* problem

Original poster

nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:30

SleepyTimeTea · 19/11/2022 08:30

I'd just meet up with the friend on my own. Of your husband won't let you, that's your problem.

He doesn't like it. It annoys him. I think that's really the issue.

OP posts:

southlondoner02 · 19/11/2022 08:31

So the man is your friend not DHs? Why don't you just spend time with him on your own?

Sounds like DH doesn't want you to spend time with a male friend and therefore getting tied up in knots about the wife not wanting to spend time with you

SleepyTimeTea · 19/11/2022 08:31

Lord.

That's your real problem

Dotcheck · 19/11/2022 08:31

But you say THEY ask at short notice. Sometimes peoples plans change, and they realise they have time.

You husband wants to spend time with people who WANT to spend time with him- so why is he worrying about the wife? Clearly the male friend wants to get together.

I just think it all seems petty. Have you thought the wife may be a bit anxious? It would explain why she wants a lot of notice and why she doesn’t come to yours,

Lifeisnotarehearsal · 19/11/2022 08:32

My husband works in hospitality, mostly 7 days per week. I do see friends without him, where I am meeting up with a couple. Never occurred to me it’s a problem if I can go and h can’t. H joins occasionally and obviously more likely to join if it’s friends he is particularly keen on or it’s not a Friday or Saturday.
This post did make me think.

SleepyTimeTea · 19/11/2022 08:32

nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:30

He doesn't like it. It annoys him. I think that's really the issue.

Show quote history

So just do it anyway. He doesn't own you

Jumpwaddlecollapse · 19/11/2022 08:32

Oh sorry, just noticed the man is YOUR friend, not your husbands! (A bit of unconscious bias there from my end - apologies). So this is because you are friends with a man and he wants you both to be accompanied at all times? Preferably by both him and the man's wife and, of course, the DC?

SallyWD · 19/11/2022 08:33

It just sounds like this friend's family either don't want to hang out with you or are busy. The man, however, does like to see you. Maybe he has more time when his wife is busy. I don't think he's doing anything wrong and I don't think his wife should have to hang out if she's not that bothered.

Januarcelebration · 19/11/2022 08:33

Right so the problem is

Your husband is a jealous controlling arse
He doesn’t like the friend
The friends wife doesn’t really like you

The answer is to see your friend separately to both your husband and his wife. Your husband is making excuses up to cut the friend off because he is a jealous controlling arse.

That’s what you should be concentrating on, not wether your friend and/or his wife make enough effort. The main issue is that your husband is controlling arsehole.

Maybe that’s another reason the wife doesn’t want to be around your husband or have her dd around your husband either.

Mooda · 19/11/2022 08:33

So basically it's your friend, your DH doesn't like him and your friend's DW doesn't like you. Why on earth would you want to meet up as couples? Just meet up with your friend on your own and enjoy each other's company. Nothing to do with your DH.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 19/11/2022 08:34

It sounds as though your husband doesn’t want you to have a male friend tbh

Toomanypressie · 19/11/2022 08:35

I always see my girlfriends when my DH and DC aren’t there, and the ones with children I take the kids to see them and often leave my DH at home 😂. They don’t think anything of it? It’s that kind of friendship as these are friends from before we met (childhood friends) we do have a few friends that are joint and we see them together, but sometimes he sees them on his own and no one thinks anything of it 🤷‍♀️

Stabat · 19/11/2022 08:36

So your husband only sees your friend, whom he doesn’t like, because he is male and he doesn’t trust you around him solo, and his obsession with this man’s wife and child/ren always coming too is as chaperones in case you leap into bed together?

drpet49 · 19/11/2022 08:39

nessquickk · 19/11/2022 08:20

I get you OP. This friendship is all on their terms and when it suits them. I wouldn’t bother with them anymore.

Testina · 19/11/2022 08:40

Your friend is a fairly busy person, who then tries to catch up with people short notice when there’s an opportunity - fine.

His wife only sees who she wants to see - fine.

Your husband is a prick trying to make your decisions for you - not fine.

Weirdly the only one of the 4 of you that isn’t clear what’s going on is you, the one actually posting!

Do you like this man enough to be friends with him?

If so tell your husband he’s a bully and to fuck off.

FettleOfKish · 19/11/2022 08:40

So ultimately this is your friend, but your DH insists that you only see him on his terms?

The root of the problem is not anything even remotely related to your friends behaviour here, they're doing nothing wrong, the problem is your DH.

It's perfectly normal to see some friends more often without partners and kids being involved, and where people are busy it's also perfectly normal to struggle to make a plan or have to change them.

It's not perfectly normal to dictate acceptable scenarios for your life partner to see an old friend in.

SeasonFinale · 19/11/2022 08:40

I suspect his wife doesn't like your husband (by the sound of your husband ) so says just go by yourself if you want to see them.

It is your husband and you that have double standards if they can't see you because they have plans but you complain about them giving you short notice. You are either free or not, same as them.

Cornishclio · 19/11/2022 08:41

If the friend is yours and male then that might be the issue both on your husbands side and the DW of your friend. Controlling jealous behaviour is unattractive so I would speak to your friend and maybe just arrange to meet every now and again on your own. Tough if your husband doesn't like that. Sounds like the DW has a problem with either you or your husband.

SeasonFinale · 19/11/2022 08:42

Ah sorry missed that your DH doesn't like you having a male friend! Your DH is BU

Swampthing55 · 19/11/2022 08:43

I have the flip of this as when I want to see my friend I find it weird they bring their husband and child. I have them but I want to see her not with an entourage. Perhaps you need to be clearer in the event and who is invited. Like hi Bob be great to go to that new pub on Thursday night or hi Bob fancy trying the ice rink with the family on Sunday? Then you all know who is invited

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 19/11/2022 08:43

So its really just your husband thats the issue then?

Snoken · 19/11/2022 08:49

Agree that the only weird one here is your DH. He is jealous and controlling and he won’t let you see your friend on your own because your friend has a penis. Your friend is in a less controlling relationship where his wife doesn’t see the point in always being present when he sees his friends as she has her own life too. Your friend and his wife probably aren’t comfortable around your DH and can sense the hostility.

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