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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands are hard work

52 replies

Lisa2008 · 18/11/2022 23:10

This is long so bare with..
Me and dh been married almost 8 year. He's a gem and I love him entirely. I'll start with the most recent problem . So we needed time away ( we have 4 kids 14 years to almost 1yr old )
I took a trip with him to the Highlands I booked a lodge near my best friend of almost 16 year. Long story short he got steaming drunk and while I was outside smoking I seen him and my best mate kissing. I didn't dare go inside to call them out I simply observed. They both went unto the bedroom ( plenty windows I watched them walk it ) so I let them go and after a few minutes I went in. I found her straddling him!! Yes I kicked her off the bed and went ape crap on them . They both apologised and she left. We drove home the next day as I couldn't face staying another night. He was still drunk on the drive home and claimed he didn't remember a thing. She's admitted they kissed but claimed she fell on top of him. I call bull and block her . He's guilty as heck apologised over and over saying he was so blind drunk he didn't know what he was doing . Wwud? He's claimed it was all a mistake and he doesn't have feeling for her ( I believe him ) but I feel like a bloody mug. First time he's cheated but he's a sex pest and has problems with porn etc . ( long story for another day ) wtf do I do . We are going round I cycles arguing about it all
He's said sorry I should forgive him balh blah blah.. I feel like shit like total shit. And not sure I can go on pretending it all going to be okay when inside I'm crying ? I'm crying all the time I secret I'm having what i think is panic attacks ( like a heart attack feelimg idk ) and being short with my kids and its taking a really bad toll on my mental health ( he's saying I said I said i would forgive him so I should never bring it up again ) I'm angry I'm confused and feeling really fuxkifn stupid ATM. Please help. As I said there is more to it so any questions just please ask. I'm just so upset even writing this I feel like a toal and utter idiot.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/11/2022 23:13

he's a sex pest and has problems with porn etc .

You should leave him because of this, never mind the business with the friend.

carefulcalculator · 18/11/2022 23:16

He's a gem and I love him entirely He's really not a gem, he sounds awful.

pictish · 18/11/2022 23:17

I’ll say one thing; he’s not a gem.

OneTonNoodles · 18/11/2022 23:17

Not a gem then.

I don't think there's much anyone can say.

You're either happy to spend the rest of your life questioning the lying, cheating scumbags whereabouts, or you're not.

AutumnTreacle · 18/11/2022 23:20

He’s not a gem, he’s a turd.
And so is your ’best mate’

It’s up to you what you want to do, if you feel your marriage is worth trying to salvage, however I don’t think you’ll trust him again and he’s pressuring you to forgive him so he’s not actually that arsed about what he did.

In your shoes I’d file for divorce and tell him to move out pronto. I’m sorry OP.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/11/2022 23:26

So he’s a sex pest, has a porn addiction and tried to shag your mate while you were there? Have a bit more self respect. He’s not a ‘gem’. He’s a sleazy arsehole. Get a divorce and sone counselling. And an STD test. God knows what he’s been doing behind your back.

Watchthesunrise · 18/11/2022 23:28

I'd probably forgive this one but remain alert to other disrespectful sexual behaviour, especially on the porn habit.

Watchthesunrise · 18/11/2022 23:28

I've done massively stupid stuff when very drunk, haven't we all?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/11/2022 23:31

You should have left him years ago.

Fraaahnces · 18/11/2022 23:31

Okay… This guy has not been at all accountable for any of his behaviour has he?
Has he acknowledged that he was so utterly shit-faced that he would have shagged your best friend if you hadn’t walked in on them?
Has he acknowledged that he’s a sex pest and probably would have done so even if not drunk?
No…
He’s conveniently “forgotten” it all. He’s telling you how you need to feel and act. He’s minimising everything so YOU feel guilty and he gets to be the “great guy” aka man child.

If you stay with him and put up with that shit you ARE a mug. Don’t simply blame the friend. He was equally to blame.

BIN!!!

BruceWaynettaSlob · 18/11/2022 23:31

Watchthesunrise · 18/11/2022 23:28

I've done massively stupid stuff when very drunk, haven't we all?

Sure Wink

Snoooozzze · 18/11/2022 23:32

OP speaking from experience, while you may be able to, in time work through this, him shutting you down and telling you how you should feel is 100% shitty behaviour on your Hs part and will only prolong the process of healing your relationship if that's what you want ultimately.
It's not up to him how you process what he did and how you react to his abhorrent behaviour. He has to stfu and accept that you have feelings and you need to work through them as vocally as you wish. It's his mistake whether he wants to admit fault or not- being drunk is absolutely no excuse at all and using the I don't remember excuse is a total cop out!
You need to tell him honestly how much he has hurt you, and if he shuts you down, tell him to leave. You have the right not to be treated like an idiot (being expected to swallow his I don't remember BS is insulting) it's full responsibility or on your bike IMO

Aquamarine1029 · 18/11/2022 23:33

Watchthesunrise · 18/11/2022 23:28

I've done massively stupid stuff when very drunk, haven't we all?

Being drunk is a Get Out of Jail Free card? You bear no responsibility for your actions because you're drunk?

Please. Life doesn't work like that.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 18/11/2022 23:35

He is a gem? Bloody hell he is so not!

Why on earth would you want to be with someone like this? (Heads up not all people are living like this! Don't excuse this as some 'you know what men are like' - my husband would never behave this way.)

Hotpinkangel19 · 18/11/2022 23:40

He's an arsehole. Get rid of him. You'll never be able to trust either of them again.

NEmama · 18/11/2022 23:48

He's not a gem . He's a bell end.

Stopthebusplease · 18/11/2022 23:51

Sorry OP, but I agree with everyone else, even if you do find it in you to try and put this behind you, you'll never trust him again, and this will keep you constantly on edge, creating an undercurrent of mistrust, which you will not only take out on him, but likely your children will also bear the sharp end of your tongue, as you've already found. I know that parting with someone that you have loved deeply is hard, but in this situation I really think it is something you should be giving a lot of thought to. I certainly couldn't live the sort of life where you're constantly wondering who he's with and what he's up to.

piedbeauty · 18/11/2022 23:59

Watchthesunrise · 18/11/2022 23:28

I've done massively stupid stuff when very drunk, haven't we all?

Er, no, I've never tried to shag my h's best mate when drunk. Have you?

allboysherebutme · 19/11/2022 00:01

I'd ask him to leave, I don't believe they did it because they were drunk, I think there's more to it, and all the other stuff you have said 100% he'd be gone. X

whistledowntheway · 19/11/2022 00:01

Lisa2008 · 18/11/2022 23:10

This is long so bare with..
Me and dh been married almost 8 year. He's a gem and I love him entirely. I'll start with the most recent problem . So we needed time away ( we have 4 kids 14 years to almost 1yr old )
I took a trip with him to the Highlands I booked a lodge near my best friend of almost 16 year. Long story short he got steaming drunk and while I was outside smoking I seen him and my best mate kissing. I didn't dare go inside to call them out I simply observed. They both went unto the bedroom ( plenty windows I watched them walk it ) so I let them go and after a few minutes I went in. I found her straddling him!! Yes I kicked her off the bed and went ape crap on them . They both apologised and she left. We drove home the next day as I couldn't face staying another night. He was still drunk on the drive home and claimed he didn't remember a thing. She's admitted they kissed but claimed she fell on top of him. I call bull and block her . He's guilty as heck apologised over and over saying he was so blind drunk he didn't know what he was doing . Wwud? He's claimed it was all a mistake and he doesn't have feeling for her ( I believe him ) but I feel like a bloody mug. First time he's cheated but he's a sex pest and has problems with porn etc . ( long story for another day ) wtf do I do . We are going round I cycles arguing about it all
He's said sorry I should forgive him balh blah blah.. I feel like shit like total shit. And not sure I can go on pretending it all going to be okay when inside I'm crying ? I'm crying all the time I secret I'm having what i think is panic attacks ( like a heart attack feelimg idk ) and being short with my kids and its taking a really bad toll on my mental health ( he's saying I said I said i would forgive him so I should never bring it up again ) I'm angry I'm confused and feeling really fuxkifn stupid ATM. Please help. As I said there is more to it so any questions just please ask. I'm just so upset even writing this I feel like a toal and utter idiot.

I agree with others here - definitely not a gem! His actions are abhorrent but what worries me is the way he's turning it on you, like it's your fault that you're not over it yet. That's a red flag in my opinion. I would seriously consider leaving him. What would have happened is you hasn't walked in on them?

whistledowntheway · 19/11/2022 00:03

Lisa2008 · 18/11/2022 23:10

This is long so bare with..
Me and dh been married almost 8 year. He's a gem and I love him entirely. I'll start with the most recent problem . So we needed time away ( we have 4 kids 14 years to almost 1yr old )
I took a trip with him to the Highlands I booked a lodge near my best friend of almost 16 year. Long story short he got steaming drunk and while I was outside smoking I seen him and my best mate kissing. I didn't dare go inside to call them out I simply observed. They both went unto the bedroom ( plenty windows I watched them walk it ) so I let them go and after a few minutes I went in. I found her straddling him!! Yes I kicked her off the bed and went ape crap on them . They both apologised and she left. We drove home the next day as I couldn't face staying another night. He was still drunk on the drive home and claimed he didn't remember a thing. She's admitted they kissed but claimed she fell on top of him. I call bull and block her . He's guilty as heck apologised over and over saying he was so blind drunk he didn't know what he was doing . Wwud? He's claimed it was all a mistake and he doesn't have feeling for her ( I believe him ) but I feel like a bloody mug. First time he's cheated but he's a sex pest and has problems with porn etc . ( long story for another day ) wtf do I do . We are going round I cycles arguing about it all
He's said sorry I should forgive him balh blah blah.. I feel like shit like total shit. And not sure I can go on pretending it all going to be okay when inside I'm crying ? I'm crying all the time I secret I'm having what i think is panic attacks ( like a heart attack feelimg idk ) and being short with my kids and its taking a really bad toll on my mental health ( he's saying I said I said i would forgive him so I should never bring it up again ) I'm angry I'm confused and feeling really fuxkifn stupid ATM. Please help. As I said there is more to it so any questions just please ask. I'm just so upset even writing this I feel like a toal and utter idiot.

Also, what do you mean when you say he's a sex pest?

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/11/2022 00:08

The two phrases “he’s a gem” and “he’s a sex pest and has problems with porn” can’t coexist in the same universe in my world. Never mind the fact he cheated in front of you.

He’s a total sleaze and has no respect for you whatsoever. What has happened to you to make you think this is what you deserve?

Run a mile from him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/11/2022 00:10

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/11/2022 23:26

So he’s a sex pest, has a porn addiction and tried to shag your mate while you were there? Have a bit more self respect. He’s not a ‘gem’. He’s a sleazy arsehole. Get a divorce and sone counselling. And an STD test. God knows what he’s been doing behind your back.

This.

PickAChew · 19/11/2022 00:13

I refuse to generalise but an safely say that yours is an utter dick.

Nat6999 · 19/11/2022 00:18

When I was getting divorced my dp bought me a sign for my car window which said Any woman looking for a husband has obviously never had one. Exh saw it & brought it up in court, the judge couldn't stop laughing