Is anyone else always on the outside of groups? Never the best friend? never the golden child?

[silverau]

Hello,
Ive never been able to have best friends i dont think. Im a friendlyish person but never seem to make it past that wider circle of friends so im often invited to big events eg weddings, parties but rarely asked to spend 1:1 time with people. I see friendships develop around me sometimes but i never seem to quite make the grade to be a close friend if that makes sense?
Who i would have considered my best friend 2 years ago recently got married and while she spoke to me about the wedding process etc, it turned out i wasnt even on the guest list and another mutual friend was a bridesmaid

Ive sort of accepted this as my life really. I can be a bit socially anxious so have assumed that ive perpetuated this. For example my mum and my sister have always been closer than i have, so it always feels a bit tense. Its not that we dont get on but i just dont have the same relationship, thus i dont call as much thus i assume i opt out of such things.

Another example is Im engaged and feel very much worried that i dont have close enough relationships to invite others to the wedding. My social DP could invite 100's and I cant think of a single person other than my sister i could ask to be a bridesmaid, or at a hen party. So then we are eloping, in eloping though it seems like we are further distancing ourselves but not having that communal party?

The thing that worries me is that it seems to be rubbing off on my DP. DP seems to be slowly getting left out of family stuff and in general a lot less enthusiasm is being shown to our big life stuff eg, engagements, house moves, promotions then siblings who are doing the same.

Could my awkwardness be rubbing off?

Sounds to me like you have settled down with your soulmate.No awkwardness does not rub off. I think your life sounds fine to me I am much the same, Thing is dont need or really want people,I am happiest at home with my dh and kids.I am not lonely at all.We eloped too and it was fantastic pleasing ourselves! Good luck to you I say!

Who i would have considered my best friend 2 years ago recently got married and while she spoke to me about the wedding process etc, it turned out i wasnt even on the guest list and another mutual friend was a bridesmaid

I hope you've let that friendship drift, at least!

I don't think awkwardness rubs off in that way but I do think other people may find your awkwardness awkward and not want to be around you too much, sadly this often translates into your other half not being invited to things too.
I'm someone who doesn't mind being on the outer edges of social groups, I'm comfortable there but I'm in my 50s so I've had a long time to get used to it.

Im a bit like this OP. I have lots of friends but not a “best” friend.

Yeah i think i sort of just accepted thats how i work. Its been made worse recently as ive recently moved area, and jobs so all my previous aquaitances have faded away and im the manager in my new job so thats a whole new dynamic

You can certainly adapt to a partner’s lifestyle without realising it. I struggled with shyness but I didn’t realise that my shyness came across standoffish. I became more honest and it has improved my friendship groups.

I feel this heart and soul. I am always on the outside of everything. In the last couple of years I thought I’d finally cracked it and made a small friendship group but as the months have went by it’s became evident they are all so much closer with each other than me.

Strangely it doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it might. I’ve come to realise that I don’t have the time or inclination to invest in most people to get it to a ‘best friend’ stage. I’d rather spend my time with my family or on my hobbies. Since I’ve came to this revelation it’s hurt a lot less 💖

Yes this is me. I have very few friends and I’m on the outside of those. I’ve moved around a lot and changed jobs a lot so that hasn’t helped. I’m very anxious and struggle to make conversation so that makes it worse too. I have my family, I’m happiest at home anyway and my wider family. I have lots of aunts and uncles and cousins that I have a social life with so it’s not so bad. But I would love a best friend but even when younger that just isn’t me sadly. I agree with PP, I struggle with the time. I have 3 young DC, one with disabilities and there isn’t the hours to put into a friendship!

I know what you mean to an extent. I've always had 2 or 3 close friends at different stages in my life but never one best friend. I don't think there's anyone that would pick me as their best friend either. I've developed close friendships with various people over my life and am still in touch with many of them but it's mainly Christmas cards, the odd WhatsApp and maybe a meet up once every 1-3 years. Locally, now I'm more settled, I'd say I have about 3 friends I see regularly and I feel close to. But all it would take would be for them to move away (2 already have) and I'll be sunk. I've never broken into the school gates Mum crowd and have no desire to. I'm sure I radiate some aura but not sure what it is: possibly independence or possibly snootiness. I can't abide small talk - what's the point? If someone tells me what they're reading, their view on the state of the world or some other clue that they're willing to go deeper then I make an effort to chat and get to know them. That's how I've made my close friends in the past.

But do you want a best friend, or is it something you think you should want?

I am exactly the same as you and I used to try and trouble shoot why in a similar fashion. That was until I realised that actually I'm the one creating the distance because I'm the one who isn't interested in forming deeper relationships. I have my husband and my children, my sister and that's all I need.

Yes definitely here you OP. I think a lot of people have friends for friends sake but actually these people are often not ride or die friends if that makes sense. When you go through a crisis, like I did this year, you do realise who your friends are and clue- you usually have less than you thought!! When I had a health crisis, suddenly the friendship situation came into focus and I realised that most of them weren't real really. So haven't contacted them and largely have not been contacted back!

Hear you...

I was always the same and wondered why I never had a best friend. It dawned on me one day that I'm just not a 'best friend' type or person. I'm a good friend but I'm not the drop everything for one person type. I have a few groups that I join in with when I can but I don't stress if I can't. I felt so much better about it when I realised this and now I think that everyone goes on about having a best friend too much, it's often not how you think it will be

That is me. Always on the fringes. Never had any real friends at school, and never found my tribe at uni.

I think sometimes in a group context, the favourites or integral part can be the one who organises meeting up/events.

It might be that others are meeting up because they are suggesting things and reciprocating, and you say you’re not asked to see friends one on one, but it might be best for you to ask one of your friends?

I know you struggle with social anxiety, so only if you feel comfortable, but maybe just asking a friend to meet you for a coffee?

Yes, I here you too! On the edge, try to instigate things but nobody takes up my invites. Somebody else suggests similar and people are all over it!!

I have a few very longstanding friends but see them once a year maybe. I'm at the bottom of their priority's.
I'd like that regular contact where people check in to how you are. It's always me chasing.

I just don't know where I'm going wrong.

Quite interested in this book!

I'll have a bash at this.

Being 'friendly' doesn't always translate into having 'friends'. 'Friends' is more having a taste for group situations and playing that game. Often types in that band are not THAT friendly or good or anything, they can just play the group dynamic. I mean, the numbers of Christmas cards you get - I bet some real scumbags out there get loads of Christmas cards! In that situation NOT getting one would be a faux pas, there's an edge to it, a bit of power play too. Think of your least fave MP - bet he gets loads of Xmas cards and those who don't send one may 'go on a list'.

I'm not saying those in that group dynamic don't even like each other. More, the dynamic comes first. It also helps if there is a project involved, even if implicit, a sense of togetherness or forward direction.

It's easy to have no shared project and no group dynamic.

Even so, often you get no-hopers worse than you who have friends. How so? Well, groups can be divided into 'leaders and mascots'. The mascots are those who have little to offer but are in the group representing no threat so they are allowed to go on the ride. The group offers them a kind of protection. However, some people who are bit introspective and self-involved think they're the leader when they are perceived as a mascot. I don't think the OP is like this necessarily but I have noticed this in relation to myself.

The wedding and best friend incident makes me wonder if you have a different idea of a close friendship from most other people?
People obviously like you. But do you confide in people, do people confide in you? Or is your friendship the type where you do things with people and have a general chat?

I ask this because I have had a few friends over the years I liked, but it seemed as if we got to a bit of closeness and no more. That is fine if those women did not want to be close friends. But I wonder, and I may be wrong, if you do the same?

Really interesting to hear peoples thoughts.

Mostly im happy with the status quo i think. Sometimes its a bit sad because it would be nice to have people that get me.

I think the anxiety side mean im often polite and keen to look out for signs someone isnt interested, and often wait to be invited to things. I think some of the friendship are built on people breaking those sort of social niceties and being pushy eg inviting people out of the blue, sending messages even uf they havent responded to the last

One of my friends recently told me she feels this way. She’s right really because within our social circle others are much closer.
She’s lovely and we all think a lot of her but she has a tendency to stay neutral about everything. She would never openly disagree or say anything she felt would rock the boat. She’s not quiet but just very vanilla in character. when I have spent one on one time with her It can feel a bit awkward.

My closest friends are people I have a deep connection to. I can’t connect with this friend on that kind of level. There’s also the feeling that she is part of our group because we are there but not so much because she really likes us or enjoys our company as such.

She says she has always bee on the periphery so I know this is a longstanding issue for her but i feel like she works too hard to be everyone’s friend rather than trying to foster deeper relationships.

@Opine that sounds like what people might say about me

It's real chicken and egg because sometimes having a bit of a risky conversion like disagreeing sometimes feels too early in a friendship or that your not close enough yet. But how do you get close without that.

@silverau It sounds that if you want closer friendships, you have to be braver.

This is me. People easily discard of me and think nothing of it.
Used to it now.

I am also often in the periphery of social groups, never really with a bestie.

Do you think this has something to do with getting older? I've noticed that many people are so preoccupied with their families and life and work that they don't prioritise friendships. Maybe this is why a lot of people just have 'easy' friendships so they meet in coffee shops and have a chat rather than something deeper.