Is anyone else always on the outside of groups? Never the best friend? never the golden child?

[silverau]

Hello,
Ive never been able to have best friends i dont think. Im a friendlyish person but never seem to make it past that wider circle of friends so im often invited to big events eg weddings, parties but rarely asked to spend 1:1 time with people. I see friendships develop around me sometimes but i never seem to quite make the grade to be a close friend if that makes sense?
Who i would have considered my best friend 2 years ago recently got married and while she spoke to me about the wedding process etc, it turned out i wasnt even on the guest list and another mutual friend was a bridesmaid

Ive sort of accepted this as my life really. I can be a bit socially anxious so have assumed that ive perpetuated this. For example my mum and my sister have always been closer than i have, so it always feels a bit tense. Its not that we dont get on but i just dont have the same relationship, thus i dont call as much thus i assume i opt out of such things.

Another example is Im engaged and feel very much worried that i dont have close enough relationships to invite others to the wedding. My social DP could invite 100's and I cant think of a single person other than my sister i could ask to be a bridesmaid, or at a hen party. So then we are eloping, in eloping though it seems like we are further distancing ourselves but not having that communal party?

The thing that worries me is that it seems to be rubbing off on my DP. DP seems to be slowly getting left out of family stuff and in general a lot less enthusiasm is being shown to our big life stuff eg, engagements, house moves, promotions then siblings who are doing the same.

Could my awkwardness be rubbing off?

It’s never too early to be yourself. Yes there’s a risk that someone may not like you but that’s how you make real friends.
By the same token how are you choosing your friends? Do you stay friends with absolutely anyone because that’s disingenuous & a trait that becomes obvious to those around you.
you want to be liked & valued by others but so does everyone else. If it feels like you have no real loyalties to anyone it will put people off.

what’s the saying.. “a friend to everyone is a friend to no one”

What this opens up is the possibility that where there's so many responses of similar, that ive sidelined someone in a similar way😲

Resonates with me too

Hmm this is quite interesting. To a degree I can identify with this but in an almost abstract way.

I have some close friends and a best friend who has been in my life for decades. We are very close and have been through a lot together. I tend to have quite intense friendships but outside of those I don't ever seem to break into groups. I feel on the outside of many situations, I struggle with work dynamics and have never ever been part of any 'in groups' and was never part of the popular crowd in any setting. I have found myself actively targeted in a bullying sense both at school and in work. There is definitely something about me that marks me out in that respect.

I think I'm an all or nothing person. I'm quite weird (and mostly embrace this) and the friendships I do have tend to be with people who don't have many other friends. I am ambivalent about people a lot I think, couldn't really care much if I go weeks without seeing most people and have never felt the 'need' to find new friends.

Nonsense. It’s perfectly possible to have lots of friends and not engage in this kind of juvenile group dynamic of ‘leaders’ and ‘mascots’. It’s clear that many on Mn struggle with friendship from their accounts of friendship groups no one in their right mind would willingly be involved in.

Yes!

Since we moved 17 years ago, I have actively tried to make new friends/find a close friend and it always seems to backfire, so I have pretty much given up. I’m in a small rural area which I think works against the notion of having a bestie unless you grew up here and started having one since school.

I have tried joining groups with not much luck. I was never a school mum type person, as jobs needed to be done on the farm before and after school hours so that left me out. In fairness I guess people also stop asking thinking I will be busy anyhow…

but there has been a couple of ladies who I thought we would become firm friends, which petered away. In that case I think my neighbour has something to do with that and people don’t want to be drawn into taking sides either.

but I certainly had more friends when I was younger than I do now…

You just described me... always on the outer circle, never had a real 'best friend' I did have a very good friend for a few years that I met through toddler group, but as we were both Forces wives and her dh was an officer, she moved too often to stay best buddies... we are still friends though but rarely get to meet.

I have 'friendish' work colleagues... a couple I occasionally meet outside of work but that's it. But I have realised I don't NEED close friends. I walk my dog with the one friend I have met in the last few years... maybe weekly, that's it. I'm quite self sufficient though and know I don't have the mental energy for a close friendship that would need me to be available!

This is me. I'd love a best friend. No advice. It hurts, as over the years I've made the effort, and still found I'm left out. I'd like to think I've accepted it, and with children and work don't have time for a best friend anyway. It still makes me sad though.

Just to give another perspective -- I'm the opposite of this. I have always seemed to make very close, intense friendships - I have quite a lot of people who would consider me one of their closest friends and very few acquaintances. It's great in some ways, but in other ways not all that it's cracked up to be; I spend a lot of time/effort/energy being others' emotional support and also I'm realising that I've prioritised friendships at the expense of other aspects of my life and now in 30s when people have less time for friendships I'm finding that difficult - e.g. I'm envious of you having a solid romantic relationship.

Lots of good advice on here about how to build better friendships. I'd suggest putting yourself out there a lot to try and establish initial connections - pick some of those group friendships you'd like to make 1:1 friendships and suggest coffees etc. And not to be fussed by 'rejection' - it's a bit like dating in that some people might not have room in this stage of their life for more friendships or might just want a v casual acquaintance type friendship.

I just wonder if ‘feeling on the outside’ is the more common position? That is what I have come to tell myself.

I could have written your post op.

I used to make a lot of effort to see people but when I stopped - that was that, and really friendships do need to be reciprocal.

I do have a lovely husband and children and one good friend. I am very grateful for that.

I'm like this. I'm autistic and don't understand how to turn surface friendships into deeper connections. I don't like it but I've accepted it. I'm a brilliant masker and make a great first impression, and I bet if you asked all of my friends/acquaintances, they'd say that I have loads of really close friends, just not them specifically...but I don't. I'm not suggesting you're autistic, as there are lots of people who have this experience for all kinds of reasons. Just thought I'd share in case it resonates with others.

I'd like a best friend.

Same here. Never had a best friend and always on the periphery of certain friendship circles so often not included in events, etc. And never found my tribe at uni. I went through a lot of heartache with a marriage breakup and didn't share what I was going through with anyone. I know I'm quite a private person but it makes me sad when I see others who are able to share this kind of thing.

I had the situation where 2 people I thought were very good friends didn't really feel the same about me when it came down to it.

Not invited to their wedding.
One friend I hadn't heard from in years and they just got sm so me another one of the group were so excited and sent our phone numbers to get in touch.

The other friend got accepted and called straight away.

Me, I didn't even get a reply. It made me feel bad like I might have done something years ago that I wouldn't even know about.

So yeah, it's a little hurtful.

As for now, the only thing I can think of is that I'm on the spectrum and don't relate the same way.

There are certain popular topics people have and if you're interested in those topics and make lively conversation about them, you're a better friend.

I used to when I was young, but usually a few best friends, one for each environment (school & guides & swimming, university & work & flat), but now DH is my best friend. I don't think I really want someone leaning on me with their every thought, I'm not sure if you've been clear yet if that is what you actually want or not. It's fine not to want that, and you can still invite friends to a wedding with only your sister as bridesmaid, if you don't want to elope.

Feeling on the edge of friendship groups is a different issue and should be separated. I think having a few friendship groups is important, giving loose support and company; if you don't have a few "best friends" then it's even more important. Friendship means both people making an effort with arrangements, with remembering and asking about the other person, and sharing their own life details. Those more on the edge of groups really are those who don't ever organise things themselves. It's actually a bit rude to go to people's activities but never arrange anything yourself, and eventually the organisers will notice. Likewise sharing information about your life and opinions, at first people can enjoy talking about themselves, but if you don't reciprocate then aren't you just going to seem nosy instead of friendly?

I feel like this is me, made tier 2 guestlist for one of my best friend's hen do, my mum is dead and my dad priorities his wife so even with my family I don't feel I'm top tier. My extended family and in laws are lovely but there's still sometimes occasions when I realise I'm not top tier.

This is me too. For me I think it’s partly I’m not a dawdler or chit chatter! School gate example, I’m in and out, might say a brief hello, how are you? But others I see chatting and they’re there for ages finding out all sorts, always got something to say. I’ve never got much to say, I’m just not a talker unless I’m in a situation I’ve planned to talk to someone. I think from these initial interactions people get to know each other better and start to build friendships so I don’t really get passed the first hurdle. I’m gradually becoming more comfortable with who I am and recognising that might mean I don’t have a lot of close friends but I think I’m becoming ok with that too. Once you lose the FOMO and jealousy around wanting a best friend there’s less to stress about.

Do you invite people out for a drink, coffee etc? Or do you just wait for people to invite you? Then they don’t. You need to be proactive in making social arrangements. Also widen your social circle, get some new hobbies or volunteer somewhere. I have a few old school friends, 40yrs plus friendship, but I live 250 miles away and largely have friends who were or are colleagues. I did meet new friends when I got a dog. Be proactive if you want more friends

This is me. I really should be a counsellor. I spend hours counselling friends, colleagues, acquaintances. Some of those people take it too far, and family tell me not to answer the phone, but then I feel too guilty.

To those saying about initiating things, I have tried this (lots) over the years, but mostly been met by rejection.

@StillMedusa are you maybe my friend? 😂

I have a good friend that I walk my dog with once a week- we don’t really text or communicate during the week … save it all up for the dog walk!

I have v few friends as I can’t be bothered with the effort.
I was a teacher for 20 years and with 3 kids and a husband that did shift work I found that I didn’t really have time for anyone

I have about 4 people I will text once a month but will only see about once every three months.

I have a very busy work life, still got the husband on shift work, 3 DC that I have to taxi service for as only 1 drives and a dog to look after. I don’t crave people as I spend so much of my day helping others.

My main problem is that I don’t really care about others and I hate all the drama - so I’m v neutral and remove myself from situations (eg school what’s app threads!) if it gets messy.

I think to have really close friends, you have to really care - if you’re like me, you probably won’t! 🙄

I have two best friends and a few close friends but I am always organising to see them, group stuff as well as one on one and frequently message them to see how they are. Speak to my two best friends every day. Is this the level of effort you are putting in? I just mean it takes a lot of communication for people to get close to you/trust you to then confide in you, rely on you etc as a best or close friend. I'm 32, work and have young kids so it's about making the time and effort where you can I think.

Saying this, maybe you just haven't met your people?

Thanks all for sharing

I hear you. I don’t know if there’s an answer. I’m twice divorced, now retired and very happily live alone. One of my adult DDs could have written your post. The other is the polar opposite.

When you’ve always been that one in a friendship group who twigged that the others were “best friends” and were doing stuff that didn’t include you, and you started to realise you weren’t fun enough, or daring enough, maybe they (believed they) were cooler, prettier… maybe when you realised in your 30s it still happened, with different people and you concluded you’re a bit weird, whatever is going on isn’t mattering any more, so to hell with people. My cat likes my company, disregards my speech defect, trusts me to afford her food and to be all the company she wants. I’ll take that.

OP I hope you can find a way to reverse the gnawing sadness. You are enough. You really are.

I've always had a best friend in most places, at school, college, uni, work places. I seem to prefer to team up with one or 2 rather than a whole bunch of people. To me most people are rather inane and I have zero patience for it. I will always be faultlessly polite to the rest of the group but distance myself as I can't bare the crap they are talking about.

Since getting married and having older dc I have no real headspace for a bestie and find the concept stifling. I like to have many different individual friends. I hate group dynamics as I am not comfortable being the leader or the 'mascot' (as per pp) so don't fit in in groups. I'm very happy with that.