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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want MIL to stop implying she will die!

52 replies

Irishfarmer · 18/11/2022 13:15

My MIL is very ill with cancer right now. It has all come on very suddenly since the summer.

She says things like, I won't get new clothes I don't I know if I'll be around to wear them. Tells me things to do when we inherit the farm. She has met the solicitor to make sure will in the order (this I do agree is sensible).

But she is reacting well to chemo. But they keep her in for 6 weeks at a time. She is currently home for a few day.

I don't want her to talk about not being about, I want her to be her for another 20 years! To see my son, who she adores grow. It just all seems unfair, she was so excited about him, she has 2 other GC but not through any falling out or anything just doesn't see BIL + family as much as she sees us. She was around every 2nd day until she became sick. I send her pics/ videos every day but it's not the same.

I moved 3 hrs from home to marry DH and she is a huge support to me and I can't bare her talking about not being her

I know I am BU, she is allowed to talk how she wants and it is how she is dealing with things, even if she seems to be fine about it all.

Also I wanted to buy her a kindle so she can rent library books while in hospital but she said not to bother, she might not get much use out of it. She's 70 and seems to be responding very well so I think she should get a kindle!

OP posts:
greenbeansgreen · 18/11/2022 13:52

It can be helpful to them to have things prepared just in case in my personal experience.

saraclara · 18/11/2022 13:53

Alternatively, lightly say "if it turns out that you don't have much time on this earth, all the more reason to make the most of it and have nice things"

MischiefTheChicken · 18/11/2022 14:20

I understand how frustrating it can be when someone decides it’s not worth getting anything new because they might die soon. (An extreme example was my GM who refused to buy a new outfit for my cousin’s wedding, and then in fact lived another 20 years). You can definitely encourage her that she deserves nice things and the kindle will be worthwhile because it’s useful now.

But please let her talk about what’s on her mind. My MIL had a serious medical condition and was fully aware the odds were against her for living into old age. DHs family all had their heads in the sand about it and wouldn’t allow her to voice her thoughts about her future and when she wouldn’t be around any more. After she passed they were very regretful and FIL in particular realised she had been trying to mentally prepare him as much as doing it for her own benefit.

pd339 · 18/11/2022 14:38

Yeah, this is about her not you. YABU.

Alsonification · 18/11/2022 14:49

My mother in law is almost 76. She's on many meds for her various illnesses & she's had major open heart surgery 18mths ago that took a lot out of her. Through all of this she is the fittest woman I know. She's fitter than I am. We all say she's going to outlive us all. But as long as I've known her she's been telling us what songs she wants at her funeral, she tells us where the important documents are "in case she's not here" and every Christmas she tells us where she's put her presents in case she's not here to give them out.
We laugh about it & let her do it. If it makes her feel better then what harm.

nokidshere · 18/11/2022 14:59

she tells us where the important documents are "in case she's not here

Everyone should do this though shouldn't they? I'm 61 and in good health but if I died tomorrow my sons know where what they call 'the death book' is!

nokidshere · 18/11/2022 15:02

Oops posted too early...

My book contains all sorts of important things.
Who the insurances are held with, DOB, NI numbers, car insurance, all household bills etc. passwords for everything, what to, who to contact..

I have a page for everything and update when I switch suppliers etc

Even DH would probably need to refer to it if I went before him

pdlib · 18/11/2022 15:07

@mast0650 how did you cope? I'm facing similar, sorry to hijack post OP. I do think YABU.. well I certainly don't think your MIL is BU.. as others have said, the privilege to say/ do what she wants is hers alone

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 18/11/2022 15:09

I hope you have told her how much you love and value her, because the way you have expressed it in your OP is really lovely.

get her the Kindle. tell her you would like her to have it, because it is a small expression of your life and regard for her.

Original poster
Irishfarmer · 18/11/2022 17:07

I know this isn't about me, when I said it was unfair I meant unfair on her. I was unwell for the last while of my pregnancy and she drove me nearly weekly to my hospital appointments an hour away. We had a lot of talks about how excited she was to be very involved. I feel like that has been taken some what from her.

I do listen to what she tells me and take her queues to ask further questions. She is a private person, I'm with DH 10 years and know her very well.

@nokidshere that's a really good idea. I must put together one, we also need to set up a will outlining who we would like as guardian in case something happens to me and DH (hopefully won't!)

I am a practical person, I know these things have to be sorted, DH knows my wishes. My sister died at 33 from cancer herself so I know age isn't a guarantee. I just love my MIL and don't want to imagine my, my DHs and my DSs lives without her. If that makes me selfish I'm selfish. But I do let her talk about how she feels.

OP posts:
DrAliceHamilton · 18/11/2022 17:15

Listen to her. Let her express her feelings. But when it comes to the Kindle put your foot down.
"Either the chemo is going to work in which case you'll have years and years to use it, or it's not in which case we should look after you, show you how much we care for you and make sure you have whatever will make your life better in the here and now."

JFDIYOLO · 18/11/2022 17:17

She's terrified and possibly in pain. This is not about you.

Fantasiamop · 18/11/2022 17:22

Are you in a position to get support for yourself? Counselling or a support group to help you through this time? You mention your sister's death, now you're facing the possibility of losing someone else you love: it's very hard to support someone who's very ill and you need your feelings supported so that you can bear and respond to your mother-in-law's ways of coping. It must be unbearable for you to hear her talking about dying, so perhaps see it as her way of keeping hold of some control. But do find a space for your feelings through such a hard time.

Poppinjay · 18/11/2022 17:40

You are doing the right thing. You're allowing her to express her fears to you and supporting her and then you are expressing your fears on MN. Exactly how it should be done.

I hope both your fears are unfounded and she has many years of health and enjoyment ahead of her.

Crayfishforyou · 18/11/2022 17:47

Let her air her fears and build her worse case scenario. I would find comfort in knowing I had organised everything and told people all my wishes.
she is seriously ill, even if she is responding to treatment.

geraniumsandsunshine · 18/11/2022 18:29

She's being pretty sensible though thinking about what needs to be done. Maybe she doesn't want new clothes because she feels despondent. Her feelings are valid. Like you, she wants to live! Be encouraging and loving

meganorks · 18/11/2022 20:10

I think that might be the sort of thing I would do in that situation. A combination of 'a pessimist is never disappointed' along with not wanting to be wasteful generally.

I would get her the kindle and say 'don't worry, if you pop your clogs I'll have it back!', although to be fair, that doesn't sound like something you would like to say!

Onlyforcake · 18/11/2022 20:13

It's difficult, she's voicing her thoughts/ fears and she needs you to encourage her (I think), saying "yeah, but you're worth a kindle", " you can beat this", "get the new clothes, let's both glam up" I KNOW it's exhausting to be an emotional sponge and cheerleader.

Main thing is to let her get it out.

MelchiorsMistress · 18/11/2022 20:21

She’s just saying how she feels and you sound like a lovely DIL, but it is incredibly hard supporting someone who is in her position. You can only do your best.

Get her the kindle, tell her she’s worth it even if she doesn’t get to use it for long.

SnackSizeRaisin · 18/11/2022 20:27

Instead of jollying her along or making a joke as many people have suggested, she needs you just to accept the way she feels. She's an adult. Listen to her and let her say what she wants. Saying she doesn't want to invest in the future is more likely an expression of fear or hopelessness rather than actually not wanting a kindle. Buying a kindle anyway could come across as patronising and is missing the point. She's probably feeling a loss of control so let her have control where she still can.
It's difficult to deal with these feelings but if you accept them.she will probably stop needing to express them as much.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 18/11/2022 20:35

It's her way of processing it.

I'm going to sound morbid now. I'm 30 and relatively healthy but I always tell those close to me about xyz financials if they change should I get ill and die or hit by a bus. Its her way of making sure you are OK when the inevitable now or in the distant future happens. I think its great how close you are and refreshing to hear of a dil who loves their mil. But she needs you to just nod smile and show you understand. Get her the kindle and tell her how much she means to you all.

And it's great news she's responding well to the treatment. But we all process death in different ways and she has probably seen a few people pass and it can be terrifying. I can see myself acting the same way if I was in her position.

ColdBanana · 18/11/2022 20:38

I think it’s partly the terror she is feeling and then the terror you are feeling. You don’t want to hear it because you just don’t want it to be a reality. But I assure you, nothing you do or say will change the outcome and so bringing into the room isn’t saying “oh okay!”, it’s allowing her, and you and your DH to come to terms with what may be. It’s absolutely shit I know.

FictionalCharacter · 18/11/2022 20:42

She’s dealing with it her way and you should let her.

Helpmeheal · 18/11/2022 21:02

All I'm reading is "I this, I that" - "me, me, me".

Rinatinabina · 18/11/2022 21:15

If it were me, I would be the same tbh. It’s just preparation for herself as well, she is having to accept that she may not be around for much longer (fingers crossed her chemo is going well). Maybe just be very honest and say “maybe you won’t be around but I love you and I want you to be comfortable and happy for as long as we have you”.