To want MIL to stop implying she will die!

[Irishfarmer]

My MIL is very ill with cancer right now. It has all come on very suddenly since the summer.

She says things like, I won't get new clothes I don't I know if I'll be around to wear them. Tells me things to do when we inherit the farm. She has met the solicitor to make sure will in the order (this I do agree is sensible).

But she is reacting well to chemo. But they keep her in for 6 weeks at a time. She is currently home for a few day.

I don't want her to talk about not being about, I want her to be her for another 20 years! To see my son, who she adores grow. It just all seems unfair, she was so excited about him, she has 2 other GC but not through any falling out or anything just doesn't see BIL + family as much as she sees us. She was around every 2nd day until she became sick. I send her pics/ videos every day but it's not the same.

I moved 3 hrs from home to marry DH and she is a huge support to me and I can't bare her talking about not being her

I know I am BU, she is allowed to talk how she wants and it is how she is dealing with things, even if she seems to be fine about it all.

Also I wanted to buy her a kindle so she can rent library books while in hospital but she said not to bother, she might not get much use out of it. She's 70 and seems to be responding very well so I think she should get a kindle!

I would buy her the kindle :) If she says anything about it I would be like 'no! Youre not going anywhere so get that idea out of your head!' I used to say things like that to my grandma when she used to say similar things. She admitted afterwards it was a way of showing how scared she was.

I have had two primary cancers in seven years, I am 58, I am well at the moments but also very aware that I may not live long enough to draw my pension.

What she is articulating is pure raw fear and you are being unkind in being irritated by it.

Be prepared to be flamed.

@SalmonOnTheRock I'm glad you are well right now. Sorry if it came across that I am irritated. I'm not at all, I guess I don't want to think she may not be here

YABU as much as its hard for you, she's the one going through cancer. She's telling you she's afraid for her life. Let her express it how she needs and just support her. Buy her the kindle, tell her she'll get plenty of use out of it while she's in hospital

For god's sake, stop putting yourself first! She's 70 years old and has cancer and thinks she might die. Mixing with other cancer patients will show her that that might well happen.

Tell her what she means to you and that you'll be with her every step of the way.

Buy her the kindle. (Make sure you buy the Fire as the Paperwhite doesn't allow library downloads.) Get the kindle set up with a library card so she doesn't have to faff about with that herself. Borrowbox is good, as well; she can download free audio books.

She is ensuring that everyone knows what to do when it eventually happens this could be sooner or in decades

Buy her the gifts but allow her to tell you what she wants to happen to her belongings. It's important

Buy her the kindle, just say you're sure she'll get plenty of use out of it.

it is hard to hear. I have friends & family who say it & mean it, not just being daft, it's hard.

I wish her all the best !!

Its not about you.

Just do what she wants/needs for what time she has left.

why are you making your MIL’s cancer all about you?

My grandma talked about her own death for years - she eventually died aged 91! I guess it made her feel better to be open about it.

My late DH wouldn't spend any money on himself when he had (terminal) cancer. He felt that we would need it when he was gone. So I understand how it's hard to hear.

To be honest I wouldn't argue with her asking the lines of 'rubbish, you'll be around for a long time', because that's denying her feelings. Just like it drive me mad when pale insisted on telling us to 'be positive'.
I'd turn it into a joke and say don't worry mum, I'll use it when you're gone!"

My father tried to tell me about what to do when he died and I shut him down as I didn't want to even think about it. I deeply regret it now, it shouldn't have been about what I could bear, but about what he needed to get off his chest in his final year.

I sort of get it Op.
But you need to find a way to deal with your emotions and let her talk about it how she wants.

My mum wasn’t even ill when she started ‘your 40th birthday gift is in the safe just incase I am not here.’ Or ‘that snowflake necklace should go to Ruth’ or ‘no point getting this I won’t get use out of it. Not reason to think she was right. She was 66. It really made me angry. But really it made me scared.

She died really suddenly now I am glad for some of those conversations. We knew where things were, who to give them too. So I do get the feeling of wanting her to stop. But at some point, even if it’s 20 years, you might be glad. But you need to support her in how she is dealing with it.

But buy her the kindle ❤️

Give over. At some level a person's cancer IS about the rest of the family as well. The person with it is of course the priority. But my DH's cancer absolutely affected me and particularly our daughters. But I minimised that to him and expressed my own worries on anonymous internet forums like this.

It's hard. My SM died of cancer terse ago and every single day since I have thought how fucking Unfair it is.

She loved life, her family and everything she did. She had a terminal diagnosis pretty much straight away.

I know your pain. Get the kindle. Keep living. Keep everything as normal as you can because those are the memories you are left with.

I really hope she lives and you get to look back with relief.

Also I wanted to buy her a kindle so she can rent library books while in hospital but she said not to bother, she might not get much use out of it. She's 70 and seems to be responding very well so I think she should get a kindle!

My lovely MIL used to say stuff like this all the time. I used to respond 'well that's ok you enjoy it now and I'll have it when you're gone' and buy stuff anyway.

Well, apart from the fact that all of us WILL die, it sounds like she is just being pragmatic and sensible. What an impressive woman! If she doesn't want new stuff, that's her privilege, and maybe we should all reflect on the need for honesty when death is possible or imminent?

Buy her the kindle if she complains tell her to pretend it's a loan

Sorry, but however hard this is for you, I think you are being unreasonable here. It's horrible for you but it is worse for her. You need to take your cues from her. It's better for her to be able to talk about her illness and possible death openly than to feel she has to deny it all the time. Her comments may not be exactly emotionally expansive, but I think they are likely to be her way of saying "Actually, I'm not entirely OK, I'm really quite terrified about all this". I think you need to try to use them as a cue for a slightly deeper and more connected conversation at least sometines. Dont dismiss her comments. Tell her you are worried too and give her space to talk about her feelings more.

My mum died of cancer at 66, having been super fit and healthy at 65. We could probably have done with talking a bit more to be honest.

I've just been diagnosed with my second bout of cancer.

During my first lot I had nobody that would listen. Every time I mentioned anything vaguely morbid people would tell me to snap out of it, I wasn't going to die etc.

I needed to do it, I needed to have a plan and make sure my kids would be OK, and people telling me to stop being stupid really didn't help, it just made my anxiety worse because I couldn't talk about this thing that was happening to me in case they got upset.

Don't dismiss her when she's talking, as pp said, get the kindle and say you'll have it if anything happens to her, allow her to talk, plan, and say what she needs to say.

Oh - and if she says not to bother with the kindle because she wont be around long enough, tell her you'll have it afterwards (if you feel she can take that sort of lighthearted comment).

I’d be very honest and suggest having a conversation all about her wishes and worries and then suggest having some nice times together when cancer isn’t the main topic. She may appreciate the separate spaces. Her illness does sound serious and she’s in the thick of it, naturally it’s consuming her thoughts.

Definitely buy the kindle. Tell her you’ll have it back when she doesn’t need it but maybe you could read the same books and then have something to chat about. Did you know you can share your libraries?

This is not about you!
be a sounding board for whatever she is feeling. The poor woman is ill!

She says things like, I won't get new clothes I don't I know if I'll be around to wear them.

My IL have been like this ever since I knew them, 20 years ago (then in their mid 60s with no serious health problems) They really skimped on a kitchen "because it would only need to last 10 years" and even wouldn't buy a 3 year railcard in case they didn't get their moneys worth.

However MIL was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago and was very similar in her out look as your MIL. When people mentioned people on the same treatment plan were still going 18 months later she would just say no that won't be me. And it wasn't.She passed away about 7 weeks after diagnosis. She said she was ready to go and had no quality of life. We couldn't argue against that.
I admit i did find it hard , but that was my problem. It was selfish I didn't want her to go because I was close to her and lost both my own parents to cancer, and I didn't want my DC to lose another GP .And we were unable to see her in her final weeks because if covid restrictions. But in the end noone wanted to see her suffer a long drawn out illness.

I've been there with my hubby's grandma. She was a brilliant grandma to my kids and husband and a great friend to me. I spent a lot of time in denial.
Let her talk but tell her she deserves new clothes and new things.