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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex Wife Pics and Wedding Ring

67 replies

Generalcookandbottlewasher · 18/11/2022 12:21

Soooo….my OH and I have been married for 8 years and have 3 DC’s together. My OH was married briefly before to a very unsuitable woman (his words). We moved house a couple of years back and whilst clearing out to move I found lots of pics of his ex and his wedding ring. He said he would get rid. I have gone into his underwear drawer today only to find them squirrelled away at the back of it….AIBU to be really annoyed ?? WWYD?? Thanks for reading ☺️

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 18/11/2022 12:24

I'd tell DH he's being a very unsuitable husband.

If he wasn't a dick about describing his previous wife, then I'd probably... Do nothing. I'd mention I'd found them and query the photos but tbh, you can't undo a part of his life from before he met you.

Unless of course the photos are of the ex in any state of undress/compromising positions, in that instance I'd bin him immediately. Red flag.

TaxWax · 18/11/2022 12:25

It was part of his life. You can’t just decide to erase it for him. Personally I threw out the reminders of my exes but some people keep them including my husband who I’ve been with 26 years.

It doesn’t mean they want to get back with them, some people just want to keep stuff that meant something to them in the past.

CrossStichQueen · 18/11/2022 12:25

It was a part of his life he can't erase it. I have been separated 8 years and still have my wedding album and rings.

He is not displaying them but you making him throw them away won't erase his first marriage.

What is you issue with him keeping them?

TomTraubertsBlues · 18/11/2022 12:25

You can erase his past and nor should you try. He's entitled to keep any mementoes of that time that he chooses.

NadjaCravensworth · 18/11/2022 12:26

maybe he tells you what you want to hear

however unsuitable she was, she is still part of his past

TomTraubertsBlues · 18/11/2022 12:26

^ can't erase his past

CRbear · 18/11/2022 12:26

I don’t think it’s okay to ask someone to get rid of photos - as long as they’re not nudie ones. That is still part or his life, his history. I’d never get rid of pics and think it’s a red flag to be asked to do so. I don’t keep them anywhere where my partner would find them though. He should store them somewhere you won’t come across them.

CrossStichQueen · 18/11/2022 12:27

He should store them somewhere you won’t come across them.

They were in the back of his underwater draw so the OP clearly went looking for them 😊

YellowTreeHouse · 18/11/2022 12:28

Why did he get rid? Because you wanted him to?

That’s not your call to make. She was his wife, she is his past. He is entitled to keep memories of her.

IntrovertedPenguin · 18/11/2022 12:28

It's not your past and not your call to make. Your being very controlling op.

Rewis · 18/11/2022 12:29

I think it's totally fine if he kept the photos and the ring since it was part of his life. Somewhere in storage or closet would be fine. But lying about getting rid of them and hiding them in underwear drawer? I wouldn't be happy about that.

Did you ask him to get rid of them so he has to hide them? Or did he say he will do that? What was your response?

loverofpants · 18/11/2022 12:29

I think YABU for asking him to get rid of them- it was part of his life, whether you like it or not. I've been married for years but still have some photos and letters from old relationships as they were important at the time. I'd be more interested in the fact he hid them- why does he feel like he can't just say "no I'd rather not get rid of them, thanks" ?

socialgoat · 18/11/2022 12:29

Totally out of order the first time you found them and felt he should get rid of them.

It's his past and his life before you, I am divorced and in a happy relationship (8 years) and still have my wedding dress, photos and rings. No feelings for the ex but it's my history and I'm not going to get rid of it

It might not work out between you two either and then he'll have no possessions!

SkylightSkylight · 18/11/2022 12:33

Get A grip. He had a life before you, why are you trying to pretend he didn't? He can keep whatever he wants to.

MustBeTrueThen · 18/11/2022 12:33

Why were you rooting in the back of his drawers?

Did he say he would get rid because you told him to or because he wanted to?

If you had an old wedding album and an old piece of jewellery from a previous marriage, would you think you were keeping them because you desperately miss and long for your ex, or because it was a part of your life that's ok to accept is no longer part of your life? Would you think he was unreasonable for making you "get rid" of them?

Treemouser · 18/11/2022 12:34

I think they key is to understand people treat 'momentos' differently.

I keep everything - tickets, photos, souvenirs etc from good and bad times. It doesn't mean anything, it's a blanket preference.

Is he the same with other stuff? It doesn't mean he's holding a candle or looking backwards, it's just a psychological quirk around 'stuff' that I realise (from partners!) it's hard to understand those who do it if you don't, and vice versa.

The thing happened and he has the items related to it. Try not to read more into it if he hasn't given you any reason to.

Readinginthesun · 18/11/2022 12:36

Unsuitable ? What a strange way to describe someone ( sounds like something out of Jane Austen) .
Why does it bother you ?

KettrickenSmiled · 18/11/2022 12:38

Generalcookandbottlewasher · 18/11/2022 12:21

Soooo….my OH and I have been married for 8 years and have 3 DC’s together. My OH was married briefly before to a very unsuitable woman (his words). We moved house a couple of years back and whilst clearing out to move I found lots of pics of his ex and his wedding ring. He said he would get rid. I have gone into his underwear drawer today only to find them squirrelled away at the back of it….AIBU to be really annoyed ?? WWYD?? Thanks for reading ☺️

Is this thread a wind-up?

If this is real you are being very unsuitable OP.
Also controlling AF.

Irishfarmer · 18/11/2022 12:39

I have a couple of pics of my ex. I was with him 5 years and we did a lot of things together. Granted we didn't have a bad break up. It's not like has the pics up on the hall wall.

Theunamedcat · 18/11/2022 12:40

Why keep it in the underwear drawer? Fine to not get rid of them rude to keep them on hand as it were

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 18/11/2022 12:42

Do you often go through his underwear drawer?

SisterGeorgeMichael · 18/11/2022 12:42

You could drop an anvil on his head so he doesn't remember a day of his life before he met you.

FloydPepper · 18/11/2022 12:42

IntrovertedPenguin · 18/11/2022 12:28

It's not your past and not your call to make. Your being very controlling op.

This. You’re well out of order OP. Totally unfair to expect someone to throw away things relating to their life before you (as long as they’re respectfully kept in a box and not out on the mantelpiece).

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 18/11/2022 12:44

He should store them somewhere you won’t come across them

Where would that be, then? dig a hole under the floorboards when OP is out and not tell her?

CourtneeLuv · 18/11/2022 12:45

I think you should grow up.