To take money from refugee for holiday

[2greenroses]

I have taken in many refugees over the years, and have kept in touch with some of them. This relates to a young man, an asylum seeker, 18 years old when he stayed with us, a refugee from a hell hole, where he had been separated from his parents, denied education and nutrition, and his siblings killed. ( Yes he crossed the channel in a small boat, I know that question is going to come up...)

His parents and surviving cousin escaped separately, and he eventually rejoined them in another safe European country where they were granted refugee status.

Now, 6 years later, I have cancer, and the family have tried to send me money. I have turned it down repeatedly. But we have a chance to go on holiday, and this could be our last chance. And we are struggling to afford it.

I am doing the right thing to say no, and to potentially miss the holiday, aren't I?

It feels so wrong to say yes, but I have difficulty clarifying to myself why.

I already know I'm not taking the money, really, I suppose I am looking for a way of reassuring myself it is the right decision

YABU - accept the money from a refugee family, who are currently a bit better off that you

YANBU - no, don't accept it, it is wrong

Take it and dont be daft. Its his way to say thanks. And enjoy your holiday, you certainly deserve it

You helped out a man in need at one of his lowest points. His family now want to do that for you. So long as they are sending it for you to use on whatever you like, or a holiday, I’d feel no guilt here but be very grateful.

Obviously if they think they are sending you money to pay for treatment I wouldn’t.

They want to help you because you helped them op, it’s kind of them and natural to want to reciprocate

Take it! They’re doing well now thanks in great pet to the wonderful thing you did, and want to pay you back!

people who started life as refugees can become successful and wealthy - I know a few! The fact that this is how you know them is irrelevant
If they can afford it and want to then why not? It will give them and you pleasure

Why wouldn’t you? His immigration status doesn’t define him now - and he wants to thank you

Depends entirely on the circumstances of the family in question. The word ‘refugee’ does conjure up images of people huddled in a boat, with no idea as to their backstory or what they do afterwards. I have a work colleague who at the age of 15 was smuggled into Britain in the back of a lorry. He’s now an airline pilot.

If I had found myself in a situation where I desperately needed refuge, and someone was kind enough to provide it, and I then went on to live a happy and successful life, I would want to try and pay some of that kindness back. If they can afford it, why not? They are showing their gratitude. If, however, you would be taking the money they had saved to pay for their own well-being, then obviously it would be wrong to take it from them. Without more knowledge of their lifestyle though, it’s impossible to decide.

Assuming the fund isn't bankrupting the sender, then accepting the gift and appreciating it by sending a photo or a thanks note will allow them to undertake the gesture they wish to?

I think the knowledge that they were able to do this nice thing for you could give the sender an enduring feeling that they had been able to return the favour, get a sense of closure, demonstrate their thankfulness

Obviously you know this person, but sometimes repeatedly turning down the gift can be frustrating if they have no other way to get it to you

If you think the value is too great then accept a nominal sum to allow them to complete the gesture perhaps?

Tbh it sounds like you probably deserve someone to go above and beyond for you after having done that for much of your life - what would you do in their position?

I think it's ok to accept reciprocal kindness if it is offered & does not leave them short.
You helped them in their hardest time & now they want to repay that gesture.
Depending on what country it is could you combine holiday with a visit to them?

I hope you take it and have a lovely holiday.
If you don’t bank the whole lovely experience as a story of helping and ‘what goes around comes around…’

Does he know that the money is being used for a holiday and not for treatment or care needs? I think that would make the difference for me. If he's willingly paying for a holiday I'd absolutely take it. If himself and his wider family are likely to be scrimping and saving in gratitude thinking that they can help pay for your transport costs for treatment etc I'd have to say no

I think they'd be much happier if you took the money. They feel the need to repay a debt and that weighs heavily on a person.

When you were better off you helped them, now they are better off it feels wrong not to accept it. I understand why, and I'd probably feel the same tbh but I think the right thing to do would be to accept the money and thank them.

Assuming it won’t leave them bankrupt , I assume they would love to feel that they have done something nice for you who did so much for them.

Take it.

They want to be able to help you as you helped them. Allow them that human dignity and accept with grace.

wow, I am surprised by these responses, maybe I need to reconsider

Maybe it feels important to him/his family to 'pay it back', as part of moving on and not feeling like a charity case (I'm not saying he should feel that way, but it's possible he does). He was barley more then a child when he stayed with you, and now he's mind 20's, possibly with a good settled life, family and career, so doesn't want to be defined as a refugee anymore.

They want to help you.
Why won’t you accept it?

I mean, it’s up to you if you do or not, but they are willingly giving it to you.

They want to thank you. Let them. It is a great achievement for them that they are now able to do this. They may be hurt if you decline.

My DH is from a country where many refugees are from (yes, by boats). Sorry to break it to you OP, but many of the stories are often not true, and it's only the wealthier families that can afford to send their dc away. In many of these countries corruption is rife and families know their young dc have no financial future.
My.point is that they are obviously so happy that you cared for their dc and have offered to help you now. They really wouldn't offer unless they had the money, so take it and enjoy yourself 💐

It could be argued that it's a bit selfish to not allow someone to do something nice for you.

If someone wants to do something for you to thank you for all your help and support in their worst times the right thing to do is accept graciously and allow them to feel the way you felt when it was you helping them!.

It sounds like they want to repay you for your kindness. If they want to, and can afford it, then why not accept it?

By not accepting it could give the message that you want to remain in the " giver" role, as if you were not in need of any help, or as if you were too proud to accept it ( I'm sure that's not you, but just thinking how it might appear to someone else).

I am not completely naïve, I do know a small number of people lie. I accept refugees on the basis that is is likely around 1 in 10 are fraudulent, and I certainly never make it my business to try and guess which - I take everyone at face value.

This boy, however, and he was only a boy, had torture marks and bullet wounds, so unless the parents did that themselves to try and make his story stand up, I expect he was telling the truth

This thread has certainly made me reconsider.

Accept it. It will mean so much to him and his family to be able to do this for you.

Accept it. He, and indirectly his family, accepted your kindness which you gave willingly. Their kindness is now given willingly to you. Assuming there’s no power differential (you say they’re stable and settled) you are equals and there’s no reason to decline.