To take money from refugee for holiday

[2greenroses]

I have taken in many refugees over the years, and have kept in touch with some of them. This relates to a young man, an asylum seeker, 18 years old when he stayed with us, a refugee from a hell hole, where he had been separated from his parents, denied education and nutrition, and his siblings killed. ( Yes he crossed the channel in a small boat, I know that question is going to come up...)

His parents and surviving cousin escaped separately, and he eventually rejoined them in another safe European country where they were granted refugee status.

Now, 6 years later, I have cancer, and the family have tried to send me money. I have turned it down repeatedly. But we have a chance to go on holiday, and this could be our last chance. And we are struggling to afford it.

I am doing the right thing to say no, and to potentially miss the holiday, aren't I?

It feels so wrong to say yes, but I have difficulty clarifying to myself why.

I already know I'm not taking the money, really, I suppose I am looking for a way of reassuring myself it is the right decision

YABU - accept the money from a refugee family, who are currently a bit better off that you

YANBU - no, don't accept it, it is wrong

If they can afford it why not? It will make everyone feel good all round.

In fact (though I’m sure it comes from a good place), saying no is “othering” them.

I wouldn’t take it. I just couldn’t.

As pp have said it, that’s othering them.
The child was in need and the op helped. The op is now in need and his family can help her.

Why?

@2greenroses sorry not talking about your boy in particular, but just meaning that we often assume that asylum seekers and refugees = poor and destitute, which isn't true. I know asylum seekers who were doctors, dentists etc in their countries and had good economic situations. It's not wrong to take a monetary gift from someone just because of their once immigration status/label. In our community many of them have done very well and gone to university and have tertiary sector jobs.

Take the gift, they might be very offended if you refuse. I gave a lift to a 14 year old boy recently who is a fairly new AS. His host/foster family live very rurally (so far away from his community) and I was asking him why he doesn't try to get relocated closer to his friends. He said that the family treat him as if he is their son and he really appreciates that and he wants to stay with them. Most of them really remember the families who treated them with kindness at their most vulnerable time.

But it's not 'money from a refugee' it's money from a family who you supported by taking care of their child and who are now in a place they are settled, safe and can afford it.

If you feel you cannot take the money could you go to visit this family and make that your holiday?

Accept his kindness. He will feel so good that he is now in a position to help. If you refuse, it's more upsetting and disrespectful to him, because it suggests that he can only ever be viewed as a recipient of charity, rather than a benefactor, or an equal in society.

If someone had done YOU a kindness when you were at your lowest ebb, @2greenroses, possibly even saved or changed the course of your entire life for the better, wouldn't YOU want to show your appreciation when the opportunity arose?

If they're in a comfortable position now, it could be seen as abit offensive that you won't take it? I'm just thinking if I was down on my luck and someone helped me, then when I was trying to return the favour, them not accepting would make me feel like I'm just poor and low level... Like I'm not good enough wealth/esteem wise If that makes sense? It'll be a sense of pride to show off that they've came good after an awful start ❤️ lovely of you to have helped someone, let them return the favour (so long as you know they're in a position to comfortably do so)

Stop thinking of them as refugees? They are amazing survivors who made a new beginning, a new life with hope and a future.

Now it's your turn to be the grateful receiver of charity. Their turn to be the generous, unstinting donor answering your need. You gave their son security, hope and a future. You gave them back their son. Those gifts can't be counted in money, so don't you dare insult them by doubting if they can "afford" to be generous to you. It's not about money.

Now by graciously accepting their love to you , you restore their pride and honour. Think of it as balancing the scales of loving kindness. A reciprocation between equals.

This holiday gift symbolises the indelible mark of goodness, trust and kindness you made in your lifetime. That will be important to your family when they are mourning you.

You did everything for other people; and you still can. Take this holiday gift in the same spirit; your last gift to those you helped, and to those you're leaving. Now you're the one going on ahead into the unknown , like that refugee boy.

TaliaG said more clearly what I was trying to say 😅

This one resonates with me.
You are equals and they want to give you a gift.

By declining it, it’s almost like you’re saying that they’re not capable of making that decision.

Sorry to hear about your cancer OP, I hope you do get to have a holiday, and I’m sure it would mean a lot to the family that they could help you do that.

Take it they must be in a position to help you out and want to help in your time of need. It's they're way of saying thank you in return for you helping them when they needed it.

Allow yourself to be thanked. You enjoy being the ‘giver’ right? Let him have a turn at being generous, it’s the gracious thing to do. I think it would be very rude to refuse the gift just because he was once a refugee. It sounds to me like you don’t want to accept that you’re no longer better off than him.

Accept the money.

Yes take it and tell them how much it means to you, to go on holiday and thank them. The wanted to repay their gratitude and this would mean alot to them. Enjoy your holiday x

Do take it- and have a look at abitofabreak.com. You deserve it.

I rather think you could be insulting them by refusing, as if you are assuming that they are still in need and unable to make such a gift to you in thanks.

It's important to them to make this gift - accept it with grace OP.

It’s their way of thanking you. Accept it with grace and have a wonderful time.

This is lovely and exactly how I feel.

@2bazookas it's actually quite hard for those granted refugee status to shake that label off, even after many years when it is no longer relevant. Many companies love to do a 'meet Abdul, he's our refugee employee' story years after they have actually been refugees and have British nationality. It all comes across a bit White saviour complex. I remember one boy telling me that any time their secondary school had a visitor that he was always used as the 'meet and greet' and the headteacher used to tell about his refugee sob story. Even though it was his parents who had been refugees and were British citizens before he was even born!

I think that it is fantastic that they are now in a position to offer back to you the help you gave them. You should see this as a result of the great deed that you did for this family. I think you should definitely accept with graciousness.

Perfectly put.

Why would you not take up their offer?
You helped their son at the worst time of his/their life, they want to offer you something to reciprocate.
To be willing to offer such significant life changing support to people, but not be willing to accept any gesture of thanks, is just silly.
I'm sorry you are unwell. Take up their offer and enjoy a holiday with your family.

He's not a refugee now though is he? So take it.