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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to ask if I'm ok after a miscarriage?

71 replies

outpatient · 17/11/2022 23:12

So I'm on my fourth loss, it's very early toook a test Friday and then found out it was a loss few days later so I'd have been 4-5 weeks.

Because it's so early and I've had a few now he said it's 'not a big deal' and he doesn't understand why he would ask if I'm ok.

I left my work Monday when it happened due to crippling pain and had to lie in bed for an hour for the pain to pass. Because I then went back to work he said it can't have been a big deal if I went to work after an hour.

This was Monday and all week he has not asked anything about how I am. Nothing. Not one word.

AIBU?

OP posts:
oopsfellover · 17/11/2022 23:14

YANBU, that sounds thoughtless and selfish of him - is that characteristic of his normal behaviour?
Hope you're OK - very sorry to hear about your miscarriages.

QuiteSomeTime · 17/11/2022 23:16

Very weird

Lockheart · 17/11/2022 23:18

Hi OP, are you sure it's a miscarriage and not a chemical pregnancy? Have you spoken to a doctor?

MonkeyPuddle · 17/11/2022 23:20

Oh my lovely. I am so sorry for each and every one of your losses.
I would hope he’s just compartmentalising and trying to cope but that’s no excuse not to be concerned with your welfare.
It doesn’t matter how early the loss, you’re grieving the child that could have, should have been.
Much love x

summergone · 17/11/2022 23:20

That's really off of him , even if he doesn't know what to say and he is hurting he could still try and say something thoughtful . Sorry for your losses I remember those feelings well

Friendofdennis · 17/11/2022 23:20

Of course he should be concerned about how you are feeling. Both emotionally and physically. Sending best wishes to you

Suprima · 17/11/2022 23:22

Lockheart · 17/11/2022 23:18

Hi OP, are you sure it's a miscarriage and not a chemical pregnancy? Have you spoken to a doctor?

A chemical pregnancy is a miscarriage…

Tigofigo · 17/11/2022 23:23

YANBU, I wonder if it's his way of protecting his own feelings, but ultimately you're the one going through physical symptoms etc and he as your partner should be caring for you regardless of the cause.

Chemical pregnancies are tough, personally I would have started testing after 5/6 weeks if they kept happening to me (I had two) to stop getting my hopes up.

3487642l · 17/11/2022 23:25

YANBU and is he usually this cold and uncaring?

Slimjimtobe · 17/11/2022 23:27

It’s very cold behaviour

Onnabugeisha · 17/11/2022 23:28

Lockheart · 17/11/2022 23:18

Hi OP, are you sure it's a miscarriage and not a chemical pregnancy? Have you spoken to a doctor?

This is my thought too.
And seeing a doctor might make your partner take it more seriously.

Original poster
outpatient · 17/11/2022 23:29

@3487642l yes he is generally cold person has been since I met him but seems worse with this / I just don't understand on a basic human level why you wouldn't ask if someone is alright in such a situation

OP posts:
Original poster
outpatient · 17/11/2022 23:30

I was told miscarriage not chemical as it was after my period is due but nonetheless I was in real bad pain and then bleeding clots not very nice. Admittedly I'm quite strong and have got on with it but I don't want pity just 'are you ok' or 'how are you feeling' that's all.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 17/11/2022 23:31

I'm really sorry you've had miscarriages. If you don't have any other children and he is as cold as this, I'd take this opportunity to get out of there.

mathanxiety · 17/11/2022 23:31

Are you with the right man for you, I wonder?

You're describing awful behaviour.

When you realise you have to explain basic human decency to the man you're with, it's time to reconsider the relationship.

Merryoldgoat · 17/11/2022 23:36

Why do you want a child with a cold and unemotional man who doesn’t care about you?

My husband shows me consideration when I’ve got a cold. You DH is vile.

Boooooot · 17/11/2022 23:38

Why would you want a baby to have a cold and uncaring father?

PenguinLove1 · 17/11/2022 23:45

Have you asked him what his view is and spoke about it? I think in these circumstances the mum is already thinking of the baby, loving it, imagining the future etc, i think if you find you have a positive test and then unfortunately have a loss a few days later if his emotions arent attached to it yet he may not have seen it as a baby and think its more like a late period?
I know thats not right and im sorry for your losses but be may have viewed it differently which may be where his detachment is coming from .

Original poster
outpatient · 17/11/2022 23:46

@PenguinLove1 I see it in a similar way I don't feel like I was attached to it. I haven't cried etc but I've still had a dreadful week been posting blood clots and had a painful day Monday so just on a basic level I don't get why you wouldn't be interested in the welfare of your wife?

I also have had a demanding week r work so just don't get why you wouldn't simply say how are you?

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 17/11/2022 23:54

Have a real good think about whether you want to have children and potentially spend the rest of your life with someone so unfeeling.
My DH (of 40 years) is a man of few words but would always check I was OK if I was out of kilter for any reason. No fussing or anything but just always that sense of support. You really need that in a relationship.

3487642l · 17/11/2022 23:57

If you are a very caring person it is normal to assume that others think, feel and operate the same way you do, but the reality is that not everyone is as caring. And while some people are interested in the welfare of their spouse, some actually aren't that interested. If he is normally this cold then this is who he is and you probably can't do much to change him. It is a painful thing to realise but your life will be much better when you're clear about the reality you're living with.

stillvicarinatutu · 17/11/2022 23:59

I had a partner like this .

I got pg at 44 - would be his first child .

Found out she had downs . He insisted I terminate. Said "it " will be a millstone around our necks .

He was with me when I had her .

He looked into her tiny crib and said "that would traumatise most people "

To him , she was "it" or "that" he wouldn't carry her coffin at the funeral , he wouldn't help afterwards - he disappeared for 6 weeks . He had sex with me within days of the birth and I got pelvic inflammatory disease. He called me an embarrassment to
Him .

He had absolutely no capacity for empathy at all.

I left him . I couldn't reconcile who I with who he is .

I had my daughter blessed, and named , and cremated.

He didn't even remember her name of her birth date .

If this coldness bothers you - leave . That's him . That won't change .

dizzydizzydizzy · 18/11/2022 00:00

So sorry OP. Hope you get some help and support elsewhere:

Your DH sounds like my DP who became a domestic abuser once DC1 was born.

HeyHeyHeyyyyy · 18/11/2022 00:03

stillvicarinatutu · 17/11/2022 23:59

I had a partner like this .

I got pg at 44 - would be his first child .

Found out she had downs . He insisted I terminate. Said "it " will be a millstone around our necks .

He was with me when I had her .

He looked into her tiny crib and said "that would traumatise most people "

To him , she was "it" or "that" he wouldn't carry her coffin at the funeral , he wouldn't help afterwards - he disappeared for 6 weeks . He had sex with me within days of the birth and I got pelvic inflammatory disease. He called me an embarrassment to
Him .

He had absolutely no capacity for empathy at all.

I left him . I couldn't reconcile who I with who he is .

I had my daughter blessed, and named , and cremated.

He didn't even remember her name of her birth date .

If this coldness bothers you - leave . That's him . That won't change .

❤ I'm so sorry you went through this. I'm glad you got rid of him! I bet she was beautiful.

HeyHeyHeyyyyy · 18/11/2022 00:06

@outpatient

sorry about what you're going through. Its an awful thing to go through the first time, the fourth Is just unimaginable.

I hope you're okay?
I'm guessing its harder for men because they don't experience it in the same way as we do. However, he should show some empathy to your physical pain at least. Does he generally lack in empathy?