To expect DH to ask if I'm ok after a miscarriage?

[outpatient]

So I'm on my fourth loss, it's very early toook a test Friday and then found out it was a loss few days later so I'd have been 4-5 weeks.

Because it's so early and I've had a few now he said it's 'not a big deal' and he doesn't understand why he would ask if I'm ok.

I left my work Monday when it happened due to crippling pain and had to lie in bed for an hour for the pain to pass. Because I then went back to work he said it can't have been a big deal if I went to work after an hour.

This was Monday and all week he has not asked anything about how I am. Nothing. Not one word.

AIBU?

@HeyHeyHeyyyyy he lacks empathy generally yes

One of the most important things you can do is choose a good father for your children. You already know he is cold and heartless. Why would you give your child that for a father??

Don't have kids with a person unable to feel empathy. How easy is it to just ask the question and be supportive, weird man.

I completely agree with this. It's so important that you choose the right father for your children. This man isn't fit to be anyone's father.

One of the most important things you can do is choose a good father for your children. You already know he is cold and heartless. Why would you give your child that for a father??

Please don't procreate with this person.

hey

She was . She was very early but she looked like a little baby bird that had fallen out of her nest .

I regret my actions tbh - I'd have just gone ahead and said whatever comes , I'll deal with it . But at 44 , the prospect of being a single mum to a disabled child - I wasn't in a good position. I rent . I work full time .
There really isn't t a day I don't think about her . She was due on New Year's Day . If I'd had support- I have had her in a heart beat . I barely can look after me these days let alone a disabled baby girl - she would have been 7 in Jan ! Her father wouldn't have wanted to know . At that time - I just wasn't strong enough to say fuck you .

you said in your other thread I have now have four positive pregnancy tests that end in no bleeding and referred to them as chemical pregnancies, is this a 5th loss?

@QuiteSomeTime I didn't know what the technical definition is - the first loss was ten weeks a proper miscarriage the others are usually a few days after period is due - I believe they are technically miscarriages but I guess it doesn't really matter , I thought chemical was anything before so. Weeks but I'm not really here to look at the technicalities

Also the quote you mentioned I put a typo there is bleeding, the first miscarriage at ten weeks I had there wasn't it was a missed miscarriage but the subsequent ones have all had bleeding and cramps

So sorry for tour losses.

When I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks my sister in law came to stay for a week (pre-planned visit I couldn't really cancel). Generally we get in very well and I was looking forward to her visit. But she was awful, totally dismissive and at one point said of my sick leave "it's not like you're really ill, you've just a week off work". I nearly kicked her out.

But then I realised that she is just that way - severely lacking empathy and not gentle when you need it. I can't change her. But luckily her brother (my husband) is much Kinder and gentler and was there for me.

I know you've been avoiding the comments saying "don't have children with this man" and I know it's incredibly hard to rethink your whole relationship, but please do take the time to ask yourself some tough questions about what you need - and deserve - in a partner. Your partner won't change. You know this is who he is. You have yo consider post-birth exhaustion, sleepless nights and dealing with toddlers, and decide if he can give you what you want as the father of your children.

I’m sorry for your losses as well; it sounds like your husband is uncaring and unkind to you - he’s not there to support you when you need him. Are you sure you want to stay with him?

For me, my miscarriages were more than just loosing that pregnancy. It felt like each time was confirmation I would never have a healthy baby and that something was wrong with me. It was like all the anxiety I had built up over the weeks of knowing I was pregnant would finally overwhelm me. The physical pain was also more than just a normal period. He should have asked if you were ok, but maybe you also need to explain to him how you feel about everything as he probably doesn’t know and can’t see it from your perspective.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Not sure why people are nitpicking over technicalities with you, you've lost a pregnancy and that's incredibly painful and sad. I don't think it's relevant whether it was medical or chemical or missed or what have you.

I've been there, it's horrible. Give yourself time to grieve.

Men sometimes show they care in a non-verbal way. Instead of asking 'are you ok' they might be doing things for you. Or buying you things etc. have you looked into the languages of love?

If he's actually cold and uncaring then deal with that once you are better. Let this time be about the pregnancy loss.

It might be that he isn't the right person to go through life with, but I wouldn't make that decision this week.

I'm sorry OP.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't kno

I don't know why people are focusing on whether it was chemical pregnancy or miscarriage. It was still a loss of presumably a much wanted pregnancy! It's still devastating.

I'm sorry OP. Yes, he should be asking how you are.

Have you asked him if he’s okay? He’s lost 4 babies too.

There is no difference between a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy.

A loss is a loss.

CP is a term I've only ever seen on Mumsnet.

I've had 3 early losses and EPU and GP refer to them as miscarriages.

Regardless of how long you were pregnant for you are entitled to grieve OP. My DH was pretty useless too in honesty.

I'm now 10 weeks pregnant and cautiously optimistic. I hope it happens for you soon 🤞🏽

🙄 oh come on

I think your DH definitely should have asked how you were. Even though you said you weren't attached, you were bleeding & in pain. He should make sure you're ok.

As far as I know a chemical pregnancy is called that because it can only be picked up by a pregnancy or bloody test at that stage. Not really relevant to this post though but I'd class any loss as a miscarriage.

Everyone processes things differently.

It may be for him that he simply can't engage with what is happening.

Not right. But different.

If that's not what you need then you need to talk to him

Oh just seen he lacks empathy in general.

In which case is he the right person to try and have children with?

Maybe he isn’t bothered and of course he should be being sensitive to his wife’s feelings. But when I had a miscarriage I was devastated but so was my husband as much or even more so than I was. Of course I had the physical symptoms to deal with to which were in themselves horrific. I just think it’s easy to forget it can be hard for the dad too…

OP your husband is a dick and you’d be a fool to have children with someone so uncaring. Sorry for your losses

Are you sure you want to have a baby with him? He sounds horrible.

What a very wise and also completely heartbreaking post. I'm so, so sorry you went through this and I'm very sorry for your loss.