To expect DH to ask if I'm ok after a miscarriage?

[outpatient]

So I'm on my fourth loss, it's very early toook a test Friday and then found out it was a loss few days later so I'd have been 4-5 weeks.

Because it's so early and I've had a few now he said it's 'not a big deal' and he doesn't understand why he would ask if I'm ok.

I left my work Monday when it happened due to crippling pain and had to lie in bed for an hour for the pain to pass. Because I then went back to work he said it can't have been a big deal if I went to work after an hour.

This was Monday and all week he has not asked anything about how I am. Nothing. Not one word.

AIBU?

In this instance you want to know if he should have acted in a more caring manner towards you and yes he should have. However you've already said he lacks empathy in general so in the kindest way possible are being unreasonable to expect more of someone who doesn't have the ability or desire to give it.

I'd he a suitable partner to have a child with? I don't think so but that is up to you.

Very sorry for your loss OP and everything you have been through.
Hope you're coping as best as can be expected?

There are a number of posters on this site who have unknowingly and unwittingly chosen awful fathers for their children, due to their true personality only becoming apparent after the birth of their child.

Here, you are in a position to know already what and who he is. Don't saddle your child with that.

I think you've had more understanding and empathy from strangers on this thread, than you've probably ever had from him?

I am so sorry for your losses op 💐

I think your right and he should have asked how you were. That's just basic human care from a friend or someone who you work with. Your husband should have stepped up for you so much more than he has.

I agree with pp are you sure he's the man for you? When you have a baby your emotions and physical health are all over the place. You would need such strong support and looking after. Can you honestly say he will be your rock at that time?

I am so sorry for your losses op 💐

I think your right and he should have asked how you were. That's just basic human care from a friend or someone who you work with. Your husband should have stepped up for you so much more than he has.

I agree with pp are you sure he's the man for you? When you have a baby your emotions and physical health are all over the place. You would need such strong support and looking after. Can you honestly say he will be your rock at that time?

So sorry you are going through this op. But I really wouldn't have children with this man op.

Please don't have a baby with this man. Ideally finish with him.

OP, this man hasn't merely not asked how you are - he has actively minimised how you are! "Well, you can't be that bad if you went back to work". What a cunt.

And most people ask their partners how they are every day, just because they love them - not just when they've had a particularly hard week at work or lost a pregnancy. Your expectations have fallen pretty low.

Seriously though, this is the clearest possible warning of what your life would be life if you had children with him. You don't have to stay married to him. You really need to have a very serious think about your future.

A chemical pregnancy is a miscarriage!!!!

I’m so sorry OP

I think your partner is being awful 😞

Is this his very odd, weird way of coping with the losses? I don’t agree with the way he is being. I would be mortified if my DH acted that way after our previous losses. I have been apart of some miscarriage groups online and their DH’s act like it isn’t a big issue and it is because deep down they’re really struggling with it all and do not want to admit it. I would ask him this.

Nothing excuses this behaviour though, and I think if he is genuinely unbothered- I wouldn’t have a child with this man

...just don't get why you wouldn't simply say how are you?

Because deep down he doesn't actually care.

Is this the sort of man you want in your life? What does he bring to your life?

Firstly, I'm sorry for your losses.

Secondly, I'd assume that he hasn't asked how you are because he doesn't actually care enough to ask. Even if you 'just' had period pain or a bad headache or whatever then surely someone who loved and cared would ask?

I'd be considering if I actually wanted a child with him.

Yeah I’m another person who can’t understand why people are using the words ‘chemical pregnancy’ as a way of minimising miscarriage. Get off the thread.

So sorry OP x

Sorry for your losses but I honestly can't see why you wish to have a baby with your husband.
I've read all your posts here saying he's generally cold and uncaring and this won't change, he'll be this way with you when you're struggling in pregnancy, after childbirth, struggling with a newborn and then towards the child itself.

Red flags flying so high here.

You don't deserve such a shitty attitude towards you.

3 pages and no comment on why she’d have a baby with this poor excuse for a man.

I'm so sorry to hear of your losses.

He is not thinking or understanding how,you're feeling which is awful but he's is going to be sad too.

I'm hesitant to say it but I think after 4 losses it could be worth you knowing and checking... i had 3 mc's and a 3rd trimester loss before i was eventually diagnosed with Antiphospholipid Syndrome - it causes mc's due to blood clotting.

Could you ask your GP if you can be tested for this?

It's manageable with meds and I have gone on to successfully have a beautiful DS.

I really hope you're ok, I hope I don't worry you with this, but it could be an possibility

Sorry, I didn't rtwt and see comments on him lacking empathy etc, sorry.

Sorry about your loss op

I’ve had two MC myself at 12 weeks so understand how you are feeling

however I am going against the grain and say he’s likely not building himself up like you are

you need to stop with the early tests. 1/2 of pregnancies don’t take so early on (within date of period) 1/4 are lost by 6 weeks - by testing so early you are causing upset for you and your partner unnecessarily

a loss 4 days after a positive - when tested early - would not phase me - of course I’d be disappointed but it’s likely your partner doesn’t want to get his hopes up

a loss at such an early stage would normally go un noticed as the pregnancy hasn’t actually implanted yet in most cases

its sad but apart from the ten week loss I would think you’re bringing the pain and sadness on yourself and him.

its hard to relax when trying to conceive but equally I also think it’s odd to call it a miscarriage when you lose before your period is even due

This.

i’m sorry OP, I’ve had 4 miscarriages and 8 chemicals. Each one is awful and the miscarriages were pretty painful (last one was 3 weeks ago). My DP is autistic and not always good at this stuff but he has asked me how I am and tried to be caring. He understands they affect me a lot and that they are painful.

I don’t have advice but wanted to give you a virtual hug of solidarity.

Also and for the meanspirited nitpickers out there, a GP has confirmed that if you lose a pregnancy after the date your period is due, it is a miscarriage. A chemical comes and goes during the 2ww. However early it is, it’s still bloody soul-destroying!

It's horrible for her either way