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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

No birthday present from brother, what would you do?

63 replies

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 15:31

So want to say from the outset that I'm not desperate for presents and in fact find it something of a chore having to always come up with present ideas for my family which they always request. I'd happily have a voucher, or nothing, or to have someone choose something small they think I'd like but they like to have ideas of physical things so every year I spend several hours thinking up ideas that fit their specific budgets.
This year after they asked for ideas I sent a link to my brother, via my Mum as he'd changed his email address. He didn't respond, but I didn't really think much of it. Then on my birthday I get a card from them but nothing else. He also normally sends a text but this year didn't. It's his first year living away from my parents, having moved out a lot older than most adults, and I think he relied on my Mum organising his life, I suspect he's busy and forgotten.
But I don't really know how to handle it, I don't want to send a message saying where's my present, I'd feel rude asking and I'm slightly sick of chasing him about stuff. But I also don't want it to have gone to an old address (which he's done before) or to find it's on its way because it's actually something I need and if they aren't going to get it then I'll buy it myself.
Would you just leave it or should I message him?

OP posts:
FizzyFucker · 17/11/2022 15:34

I'd happily have a voucher, or nothing -

You have received nothing, it's happened. Embrace it, don't buy him gifts anymore and hooray you've reduced your load 😁

PearlclutchersInc · 17/11/2022 15:36

What age are you......??

SquishyGloopyBum · 17/11/2022 15:36

I get it op. But he sent a card, so clearly didn't forget. You just get him a card for his now and think no more of it.

MightyAtlantic · 17/11/2022 15:37

You seem quite desperate for a present to me! I'd leave it. I don't think I've had a birthday present from my brother since we lived in the same house. Works for me as I don't need to get him anything either.

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 15:39

@FizzyFucker not a bad idea, maybe his next birthday I just say "oh I thought we weren't doing gifts anymore?"

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 17/11/2022 15:40

What would I do? Nothing. Not even notice or think about it.

Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 15:41

But you said you received a card so how can he have wrong address or forgotten? If you don't want to directly ask brother, why not ask parents, seen as you sent thr gift list through them (which also negates the thought he has forgotten your birthday)?
And if its something you actually 'need' just ho buy it yourself.
Its a non-problem, just ask or forget it. He's probably skint, COS, new home etc and probably too embarrassed to say. Or he's just inconsiderate. Or has other problems/priorities.

IntrovertedPenguin · 17/11/2022 15:42

He's got you nothing apart from a card. Op don't be grabby.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/11/2022 15:42

Just exchange cards and save yourself a headache, surely?

I'm doing well if I get a birthday message from my younger brother, and I wouldn't get that if the family WhatsApp group didn't remind him.

Blocked · 17/11/2022 15:43

FizzyFucker · 17/11/2022 15:34

I'd happily have a voucher, or nothing -

You have received nothing, it's happened. Embrace it, don't buy him gifts anymore and hooray you've reduced your load 😁

This made me laugh Grin take the hint OP Grin

Pixiedust1234 · 17/11/2022 15:44

Im sorry OP but this could mean two things. You either have a lazy selfish brother or a brother that wants low contact.

He hasn't given you a present
He hasn't sent a text
He hasn't given you his new email
He didn't acknowledge your list
You said you always chase him

Its time to back away slowly. Give to him only what he gives to you which is a card which was probably facilitated/bought by your mother. He might change in a couple of years but for now stop the chasing.

IntrovertedPenguin · 17/11/2022 15:45

Pixiedust1234 · 17/11/2022 15:44

Im sorry OP but this could mean two things. You either have a lazy selfish brother or a brother that wants low contact.

He hasn't given you a present
He hasn't sent a text
He hasn't given you his new email
He didn't acknowledge your list
You said you always chase him

Its time to back away slowly. Give to him only what he gives to you which is a card which was probably facilitated/bought by your mother. He might change in a couple of years but for now stop the chasing.

He sent a card ffs.

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 15:47

@Pixiedust1234 yeah sorry but you've got the wrong end of the stick. He's just not the most organised person, we have a perfectly fine relationship

OP posts:
Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 15:51

For those who think I seem grabby, I just happened to ask for something I need but it will be annoying if I now buy it and end up with two of the same thing. I'd happily not do presents, every year they ask me to send a list of ideas and would get annoyed if I don't send him a present. I agree it's childish to still insist when grown up.

OP posts:
SkylightSkylight · 17/11/2022 15:51

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 15:47

@Pixiedust1234 yeah sorry but you've got the wrong end of the stick. He's just not the most organised person, we have a perfectly fine relationship

Can you ask your Mum in case it's got lost(stolen) when being delivered. Or is she the type to be less than tactful finding out?

parietal · 17/11/2022 15:53

I don't exchange presents with my siblings unless i'm going to see them on the day or it is a big birthday. this is a non-issue. ignore it.

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 15:55

I've thought about going through our Mum but she can be quite, erm, forthright and not that tactful, also he's a grown man and she tends to be over involved in his life anyway, it's not super healthy.

OP posts:
ToastAndJames · 17/11/2022 15:56

Don’t do anything. Just move to exchanging cards only.

thecatsthecats · 17/11/2022 15:56

In my experience, you won't get another gift until you have a sister in law to take over from mum.

My new SIL was the source of my sudden receiving of gifts from BIL after 12 years with his brother - not that I expected anything!

WindyHedges · 17/11/2022 16:00

Leave it. I rarely receive birthday presents from any of my siblings and we’re very close. I wouldn’t give it another thought.

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 16:01

It's actually really reassuring to hear others say that they only exchange cards with siblings. I've felt for ages pushed into this situation through my Mum that we have to exchange gifts, nice to hear that isn't the norm, and DP is an only child so little comparison there.

OP posts:
CatSeany · 17/11/2022 16:03

I don't think I'd say anything. I'd probably just get him something as usual next year, or for Christmas, and then if he doesn't reciprocate you'll know he wants to stop gift exchanges. I imagine he just forgot to get the gift on time to send it and decided it was too awkward to send anything late. My brother did it one year with me... he's just crap at remembering but has got me something every year since. I know what you mean about not knowing if he's sent something and not wanting to look rude, but I'd rather someone was rude than inadvertently brought up that I hadn't got them anything.

Quveas · 17/11/2022 16:05

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 15:39

@FizzyFucker not a bad idea, maybe his next birthday I just say "oh I thought we weren't doing gifts anymore?"

After years of this - and I didn't even get the card until he married (when his wife remembered) I simply said "not doing this anymore, I haven't had a single message, phone call etc etc returned for four years" (and before that I had to chase and chae him just to have the honour of speaking to him) so I said I would make no further effort, send no cards, no presents and he should let me know when he was back on the planet. Haven't had any communications since 2015. It made life simpler and less stressful.

Notaboutthebass · 17/11/2022 16:05

What did you you send in a link?

sevenbyseven · 17/11/2022 16:06

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 16:01

It's actually really reassuring to hear others say that they only exchange cards with siblings. I've felt for ages pushed into this situation through my Mum that we have to exchange gifts, nice to hear that isn't the norm, and DP is an only child so little comparison there.

I'd just text "thanks for the card, I had a really nice day etc etc" That way if the present has been sent but gone astray he'll realise, and if he hasn't sent one you're not rudely chasing.