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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

No birthday present from brother, what would you do?

63 replies

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 15:31

So want to say from the outset that I'm not desperate for presents and in fact find it something of a chore having to always come up with present ideas for my family which they always request. I'd happily have a voucher, or nothing, or to have someone choose something small they think I'd like but they like to have ideas of physical things so every year I spend several hours thinking up ideas that fit their specific budgets.
This year after they asked for ideas I sent a link to my brother, via my Mum as he'd changed his email address. He didn't respond, but I didn't really think much of it. Then on my birthday I get a card from them but nothing else. He also normally sends a text but this year didn't. It's his first year living away from my parents, having moved out a lot older than most adults, and I think he relied on my Mum organising his life, I suspect he's busy and forgotten.
But I don't really know how to handle it, I don't want to send a message saying where's my present, I'd feel rude asking and I'm slightly sick of chasing him about stuff. But I also don't want it to have gone to an old address (which he's done before) or to find it's on its way because it's actually something I need and if they aren't going to get it then I'll buy it myself.
Would you just leave it or should I message him?

OP posts:
Mylakk · 17/11/2022 16:07

I don't exchange gifts with my brother and we have a great relationship - we agreed to stop when I was in my mid twenties as we both find gift exchanges a bit pointless.

I would say nothing - and definitely nothing 'through' anyone, and just take it as you have both silently agreed to stop exchanging gifts. Alternatively, in a couple of weeks just ask him if he wants to continue exchanging Christmas presents or not now.

SageRosemary · 17/11/2022 16:08

My brothers and I don't exchange birthday gifts or Christmas gifts. We do love each other.

Now, if we could only get the same dynamic going with DH's sisters and partners ... !

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 16:08

@Notaboutthebass not exactly exciting but a new garden spade because mine broke and it was sort of budget he normally likes to spend!

OP posts:
Rippled · 17/11/2022 16:08

I think I'd grow up if I were you. HTH

Mylakk · 17/11/2022 16:08

Oh and I agree with thanking him for the card - my brother and I thank each other for our cards on our birthdays.

Mommabear20 · 17/11/2022 16:10

If you sent the link via your mum, maybe ask her if she passed it on? If she did, does she know if he got it but hasn't sent it yet, or if he isn't getting it, as you need it and will need to purchase it soon if he has decided to not do gifts this year

HeddaGarbled · 17/11/2022 16:18

I wouldn’t do anything. We’ve had various family members drop out of present buying at various times through the years. Some restarted after a number of years, some had obviously just forgotten for one year, and some stopped permanently. It’s all fine. Sometimes it’s a deliberate decision, for which there could be a number of valid reasons, sometimes it’s just life getting in the way, sometimes it’s a lack of interest or effort.

I’d still buy him a present on his next birthday, in case it’s a one off, but then if he doesn’t reciprocate the following year, make your own decision about whether you want to continue a one-sided tradition.

PaleGreenFrontDoor · 17/11/2022 16:19

Rippled · 17/11/2022 16:08

I think I'd grow up if I were you. HTH

I think I'd learn to be less spiteful if I were you. HTH.

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 16:20

@Mommabear20 no she passed it on, she cc'd me in so I'd have his new email address

OP posts:
Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 16:22

@HeddaGarbled thanks I think this is what I will do.

OP posts:
Djorkaeff · 17/11/2022 16:25

Me and my siblings don't buy for each other at all, unless it's a big birthday. I have a perfectly good relationship with all of them but we just stopped it years ago.

Just send him a card on his next birthday, I can't believe anyone would be arsed about this to be honest.

Teapleasebobb · 17/11/2022 16:27

Rippled · 17/11/2022 16:08

I think I'd grow up if I were you. HTH

Don't be a dick. HTH

DappledThings · 17/11/2022 16:32

I just happened to ask for something I need but it will be annoying if I now buy it and end up with two of the same thing
Give it another fortnight. If no spade is forthcoming then assume you are free to buy your own. No need to bring it up.

Stationsofthecross · 17/11/2022 16:35

I really don’t understand the whole ‘don’t get him a present for his birthday then’ I mean - if you have a good relationship, and you like/love him, why would you giving him a present depend on him giving you one? You get one for him because you want to get him one surely - not because he gives you one. Maybe he forgot. Maybe he hasn’t enough money. Maybe loads of things. I don’t know OP - it seems you like him so perhaps an oversight on his part.

BaconMassive · 17/11/2022 16:37

OK Grabster

StopsWalkingToSneeze · 17/11/2022 16:38

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 15:39

@FizzyFucker not a bad idea, maybe his next birthday I just say "oh I thought we weren't doing gifts anymore?"

As my children grew my younger brother would regularly call his niece and nephew on their birthdays telling them that their gift was in the post, very rarely would a gift materialise. It became a family joke between myself and my older brother about a thief with his local post office, but I always still bought his children birthday gifts. Since my children have become adults he no longer buys them gifts at Christmas, instead getting something for me and DH. I still don’t get him a Christmas gift as we always just did Christmas presents for the children which even though his DC are 26 & 28 I still do that. I’ll probably stop if they have children of their own getting their children something instead. My brothers do not expect a gift at Christmas and neither do I. Just because your brother didn’t get you a gift for your birthday doesn’t mean that there has to be this tit for tat mindset. Me and my brothers only tend to buy gifts for each other for milestone birthdays but if I see something they might like another year I would get it for them with no expectation of a gift in return just happy to see their reaction.

Lejuge28 · 17/11/2022 16:42

I don't think I have ever given/received gifts or cards from any of my siblings.

Cantstandbullshit · 17/11/2022 16:42

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 15:39

@FizzyFucker not a bad idea, maybe his next birthday I just say "oh I thought we weren't doing gifts anymore?"

You don’t need to say anything, just give a card and move on. Why you complicating things?

Highfivemum · 17/11/2022 16:45

I would do nothing. Maybe it is a financial herd month for him. Maybe he has been busy. He remembered and when we get older that’s the important thing. For info my DB and I are very close. Some years I get gift and card some times if he is working away just a card. Never bothers me. He tends to treat me when we are together though and always sends flowers to me on a day that we both hold memories for.

I would carry on doing what you do , I wouldn’t stop buying him as he didn’t buy you. Seem petty to do that

Cantstandbullshit · 17/11/2022 16:45

Pixiedust1234 · 17/11/2022 15:44

Im sorry OP but this could mean two things. You either have a lazy selfish brother or a brother that wants low contact.

He hasn't given you a present
He hasn't sent a text
He hasn't given you his new email
He didn't acknowledge your list
You said you always chase him

Its time to back away slowly. Give to him only what he gives to you which is a card which was probably facilitated/bought by your mother. He might change in a couple of years but for now stop the chasing.

Really those are the only two option???

The way you all throw LTB and LC on mins eat is so ridiculous and immature. Yes there are true situations where those are the best options but it’s just used a a default answer now on mumsnet. Think before you post.

Nosleepforthismum · 17/11/2022 16:46

To be fair, if you’ve always done gifts I’d be questioning it as well. I had a similar situation with my own brother but I/my mum made excuses for him and now he expects gifts/effort for his birthday but I should be grateful for a half arsed text on mine. I wish I’d called or text on the first year he did it and said “Oi, where’s my gift you tightwad or have you decided not to do gifts for each other going forward”. So my advice would be to just be forthright and get an answer straight away.

butterfliedtwo · 17/11/2022 16:50

People are struggling for money - could that be why? He sent a card. I wouldn't do anything.

Ihatecocomelon · 17/11/2022 16:50

Teapleasebobb · 17/11/2022 16:27

Don't be a dick. HTH

Haha good one 👍

BellePeppa · 17/11/2022 17:00

We adults in the family haven’t sent each other presents in years, either Christmas or birthday. It’s much better that way and we all prefer it. The only exception has been our mother who we do buy for.

Loachworks · 17/11/2022 17:06

I'd subtly mention you didn't receive anything to your DM. Then stop buying for DB. If he complains about no gift say you thought it had stopped because of your lack of gift. He can't make you the monster because DM can back you up that he never bothered first.
In our family gifts stop for siblings, DN at 18 apart from significant Birthdays.