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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

No birthday present from brother, what would you do?

63 replies

Jealousofchiliheeler · 17/11/2022 15:31

So want to say from the outset that I'm not desperate for presents and in fact find it something of a chore having to always come up with present ideas for my family which they always request. I'd happily have a voucher, or nothing, or to have someone choose something small they think I'd like but they like to have ideas of physical things so every year I spend several hours thinking up ideas that fit their specific budgets.
This year after they asked for ideas I sent a link to my brother, via my Mum as he'd changed his email address. He didn't respond, but I didn't really think much of it. Then on my birthday I get a card from them but nothing else. He also normally sends a text but this year didn't. It's his first year living away from my parents, having moved out a lot older than most adults, and I think he relied on my Mum organising his life, I suspect he's busy and forgotten.
But I don't really know how to handle it, I don't want to send a message saying where's my present, I'd feel rude asking and I'm slightly sick of chasing him about stuff. But I also don't want it to have gone to an old address (which he's done before) or to find it's on its way because it's actually something I need and if they aren't going to get it then I'll buy it myself.
Would you just leave it or should I message him?

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 17/11/2022 17:09

I'd leave it then, maybe he's having a hard time at the moment like most of us.

brighterthanthemoon · 17/11/2022 17:11

My brother every so often doesn't remember my birthday so doesn't get me anything so i assume we've stopped gifts then 2 years later he will! It's all good though that's just how he is and I love him all the same.

encantorerun · 17/11/2022 17:14

I'd just grass him up to my Mum if this was my brother! 😂haha.

StopsWalkingToSneeze · 17/11/2022 17:15

encantorerun · 17/11/2022 17:14

I'd just grass him up to my Mum if this was my brother! 😂haha.

🤣😂🤣

AlwaysAuntie · 17/11/2022 17:19

I have 3 brother's, only one gives a card and a present. The other 2 don't even acknowledge my birthday, no texts, no comments on SM, nothing. I used to always send them a card, but I've given up on them.

Hbh17 · 17/11/2022 17:33

You do absolutely nothing. You are an adult, so the idea of "sending a link" is a bit bizarre. No adults should be expecting birthday presents, and most siblings wouldn't bother.

mam0918 · 17/11/2022 18:02

My brothers have never once bought me a gift (I always buy them gifts) do you know how many times I have started a thread to ask 'how should I ask them where the fuck my gift is' while claiming not to care?

Absoloutly ZERO times, because I in fact don't actually care (in fact I didnt even realise until a few years ago, I guess like everyone I never expected anything from little kids and that just didnt change as they grew up).

They just arent the gift giving sort but are still good brothers who would drop everything to rush to my side if I needed them and I buy for them simply because I enjoy it and they are really very easy to buy for so I constantly see things they like.

mam0918 · 17/11/2022 18:15

Pixiedust1234 · 17/11/2022 15:44

Im sorry OP but this could mean two things. You either have a lazy selfish brother or a brother that wants low contact.

He hasn't given you a present
He hasn't sent a text
He hasn't given you his new email
He didn't acknowledge your list
You said you always chase him

Its time to back away slowly. Give to him only what he gives to you which is a card which was probably facilitated/bought by your mother. He might change in a couple of years but for now stop the chasing.

On what planet?

I have NEVER known my siblings emails (why would you?)
My brothers never give gifts (they are just not gift givers)
We only text when we need to know stuff really (we have busy lives)
I would never send a list (and if someone did I would find it rude and ignore it)

I also know any time I have ever been in trouble my brothers have RUSHED to my side instantly no matter the time of day or night, they would be the first to protect me and I swear when I was in a car crash in a blizzard an hour away from home they somehow broke the laws of physics to get to me in under 10 minutes.

Definately not lazy and selfish.

CorvusPurpureus · 17/11/2022 19:44

Actually, to clear this up I'd probably message & say something like:

'Thanks for the card <had lovely day blah blah>. Btw, mum wanted me to send a list for presents, so I had you down for a garden spade. OBVIOUSLY you don't actually need to buy me a spade! In fact, I was going to suggest we bin off gifts going forward, would you mind that? Btw please tell me there's not a garden spade lost out there with my name on, because I'm about to order one?'

My db & I 'bought each other' CDs & novels for xmas for at least a decade in our 20s, as far as dps were concerned. We actually CBA choosing for each other, so would each wrap up an album & book we wanted ourselves, hand it over/unwrap with appreciative noises, then swap back over a crafty ciggie break behind the garage...

oopsfellover · 17/11/2022 19:48

Tricky if you think it might have gone to the wrong house. But otherwise...just take it as a sign that you and your brother aren't doing presents anymore. Might be a bit of a relief all round.

sunshineandshowers40 · 17/11/2022 19:54

This is bizarre, just stop giving gifts. Myself and my siblings just send a card and a text if we remember on the day.

Pixiedust1234 · 17/11/2022 20:17

Cantstandbullshit · 17/11/2022 16:45

Really those are the only two option???

The way you all throw LTB and LC on mins eat is so ridiculous and immature. Yes there are true situations where those are the best options but it’s just used a a default answer now on mumsnet. Think before you post.

I'm slightly sick of chasing him about stuff.

My answer was based on the first post. If you are sick of chasing then you stop chasing.

FinnysTail · 17/11/2022 20:25

My family tradition is nobody receives a gift from siblings once they’ve turned 18. That suits me just fine.

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