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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Raising issues surrounding my partners children

53 replies

Str3bor · 17/11/2022 13:45

Me and DP are discussing moving in together and blending our families, however, we are not agreeing and keep falling out. It’s mostly because I cannot say anything about his kids without him getting defensive or argumentative.

For example, he co-sleeps, I am not comfortable with this with children that aren’t mine, his response was where are they supposed to go then, I responded with they are old enough to sleep in their own rooms (they are 6 and 8). That ended up with a don’t talk about my kids like that and an argument.

He then brings the issue up again and says I should sleep with his kids and he’ll sleep in the kids bed, I said they aren’t my kids, I don’t think that’s appropriate. He again flew off the handle and said I making it clear I think of his kids as separate and that I’m being disrespectful.

AIBU here? Could I handle things a bit better or say things a bit more diplomatically?

I feel like I can’t say anything about his kids without him going off on one. I don’t mean to come across like I’m having a go at him as I’m not and I actually really like his kids, I just don’t know if it’s me being harsh or him being defensive but we just can’t seem to get anywhere with our discussions.

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 17/11/2022 13:49

Why don’t the kids sleep in their own beds? Is this something they also do at their DM’s house, do they have anxieties, or is this a Disney dad issue where he just lets them sleep with him for an easy life?

Yanbu to not want to sleep with them, I’m sure their DM wouldn’t want this either.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/11/2022 13:49

Didn’t you break up at the end of your last thread?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 17/11/2022 13:49

As someone who has had SC for 10+ years, the cynic in me says it only gets harder; if he’s flying off the handle with you now, I’d personally cut and run

Original poster
Str3bor · 17/11/2022 13:52

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/11/2022 13:49

Didn’t you break up at the end of your last thread?

I did, he come back to me asking to to try and make it work, hence the further discussions. We’ve been together 3 years always got on great until this and I don’t know how or if there is a way forward. Sorry to keep boring you all, I’m just trying to figure out if it’s me that’s causing the problems and I appreciate the responses

OP posts:
Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 14:05

Your last thread stated you were having to leave the bed when SS were there so he can co-sleep with them but now you're claiming he's asking that you co-sleep while he stays in another bed
Do you have DC of your own? Where will these be sleeping?

Dontknownow86 · 17/11/2022 14:05

For gods sake don't move in together. You'll find this sort of thing gets trotted out any time you question any aspect of your lives.

littlebirdieblu · 17/11/2022 14:10

This has disaster written all over it. You and he can't communicate and if you are already falling out over things, it will 10 times worse when you move in.

Oreosareawful · 17/11/2022 14:13

I agree with the other posters, the red flags are up. You are right that this is totally inappropriate.

It's not going to work.

Thesearmsofmine · 17/11/2022 14:13

Living together would be a nightmare because you disagree on the most basic things. Fwiw I wouldn’t cosleep with children that weren’t mine either so YANBU but I don’t think he is wrong for cosleeping if it works for his kids. Basically you aren’t compatible.

PinkyFlamingo · 17/11/2022 14:13

Why is he wanting you to cosleep with his children and not him?

Skinnermarink · 17/11/2022 14:14

Nothing anyone says here will help or fix this.

Santagiveyoursackawash · 17/11/2022 14:15

You aren't compatible.. You want a proper fair relationship and he wants a nanny.

AutumnCaramelApples · 17/11/2022 14:18

This is not workable. This is unlikely to get better.
Do not move in with him. In your position I’d be questioning why I’m actually with him.

LBFseBrom · 17/11/2022 14:29

We've had this before, recently.

There's nothing wrong with your boyfriend co-sleeping with his children, it won't go on forever as the children will soon want to be in their own rooms. However it's OK for now.

You are not unreasonable not to want to sleep with them and there is no reason why you should.

For goodness sake, don't move in together, that would be a disaster. Just carry on having good times but each keeping their own home.

If you can't do that, end it.

Brigante9 · 17/11/2022 14:31

Co-sleeping at 6 and 8 is unusual, I think, and will certainly cause issues for a new partner/partner who moves in.

3ShotsOfEspresso · 17/11/2022 14:43

I would just not move in together until the co-sleeping is finished.

DarkShade · 17/11/2022 14:50

I wouldn't co-sleep with my own kids that age, absolutely no reason that you should with kids that aren't yours.

Santagiveyoursackawash · 17/11/2022 15:10

Could cause issues for the dc of their friends find out! Does their dm know? Can't imagine she wants you bed sharing either!

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/11/2022 15:17

Str3bor · 17/11/2022 13:52

I did, he come back to me asking to to try and make it work, hence the further discussions. We’ve been together 3 years always got on great until this and I don’t know how or if there is a way forward. Sorry to keep boring you all, I’m just trying to figure out if it’s me that’s causing the problems and I appreciate the responses

Show quote history

"I feel like I can’t say anything about his kids without him going off on one."
Absolutely do NOT move in with this man. There is no way that "blending our families" can happen, that requires compromise and he expects you to do all the compromising and himself to do what he's always done. It simply will not work.

No, it is not you that's causing the problems, it's all him. Date him if you want, but do NOT move in with him. Actually, scrub that - don't even date him. That will just prevent you from looking for / finding someone better. Stay broken up, do not restart the relationship at all.

Original poster
Str3bor · 17/11/2022 15:17

Dontbelieveawordofit · 17/11/2022 14:05

Your last thread stated you were having to leave the bed when SS were there so he can co-sleep with them but now you're claiming he's asking that you co-sleep while he stays in another bed
Do you have DC of your own? Where will these be sleeping?

Yes, this is his new proposal, if I don’t want to sleep in a kids bed half the week he will but I’ll have to sleep with his kids.

I have 2 DC, they have a room and a bed

OP posts:
JustLyra · 17/11/2022 15:20

Don't move in with someone that you can't have a conversation about children with.

When you blend together it's absolutely crucial that you can discuss everything without either of you flying off the handle or getting defensive.

I bet he's not shy in commenting on your DS when he's not happy with something...

averythinline · 17/11/2022 15:21

Just say no..... what benefit does this give your children?

You dont need this in your house he can do what he likes in his house..

Dont understand why you would add this stress to your life never mind your childrenss

Blocked · 17/11/2022 15:41

This isn't going to work. You've already broken up once, it's not going to work out long term and you're just looking at trapping yourself and making everyone miserable. Children deserve better than living in a house of friction and turmoil listening to their mum or dad fighting with their partner. Even worse when the argument is about them. Just do yourself and the kids a favour and shelve the whole idea.

GrazingSheep · 17/11/2022 15:44

Why oh why would you inflict this on your own children?? Do they want to ‘blend’??

CornishGem1975 · 17/11/2022 15:45

Me and DP are discussing moving in together and blending our families, however, we are not agreeing and keep falling out. It’s mostly because I cannot say anything about his kids without him getting defensive or argumentative.

I think that's part of life in a blended family, it's exactly the same with my DH. I have got in a good place now and I don't bother saying anything, and have just disengaged really - not my children, not my problem.