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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Raising issues surrounding my partners children

53 replies

Str3bor · 17/11/2022 13:45

Me and DP are discussing moving in together and blending our families, however, we are not agreeing and keep falling out. It’s mostly because I cannot say anything about his kids without him getting defensive or argumentative.

For example, he co-sleeps, I am not comfortable with this with children that aren’t mine, his response was where are they supposed to go then, I responded with they are old enough to sleep in their own rooms (they are 6 and 8). That ended up with a don’t talk about my kids like that and an argument.

He then brings the issue up again and says I should sleep with his kids and he’ll sleep in the kids bed, I said they aren’t my kids, I don’t think that’s appropriate. He again flew off the handle and said I making it clear I think of his kids as separate and that I’m being disrespectful.

AIBU here? Could I handle things a bit better or say things a bit more diplomatically?

I feel like I can’t say anything about his kids without him going off on one. I don’t mean to come across like I’m having a go at him as I’m not and I actually really like his kids, I just don’t know if it’s me being harsh or him being defensive but we just can’t seem to get anywhere with our discussions.

OP posts:
PortiasBiscuit · 17/11/2022 15:47

Why do you want to blend families, why not just leave things as they are? Almost certainly better for the children.

CoraggioCara · 17/11/2022 15:50

So if you write this from your children's point of view. Their mother is about to move them into a living situation with two other children into a dynamic where she (the mother) cannot raise any concern whatsoever about these other children without their dad 'flying off the handle '.

Pop yourself into your children's shoes and consider how this power imbalance is likely to affect them.

Storge · 17/11/2022 15:53

Co-sleeping is lovely for parents and children and I'm all for it. Absolutely NOT with an adult who is not the child's bio parent though, and it is crazy odd to me that he's suggesting it.

lunar1 · 17/11/2022 15:56

You aren't compatible, and moving in together would be miserable for everyone.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 17/11/2022 16:00

Another man wanting to 'blend' because he wants a nanny and a skivvy, do not move in with him, he will have all the power and he is bad enough now when you have your own place.

Lbnc2021 · 17/11/2022 16:08

Don’t do this to your own children. It sounds like it’s going to be a nightmare for them.

Original poster
Str3bor · 17/11/2022 16:40

CornishGem1975 · 17/11/2022 15:45

Me and DP are discussing moving in together and blending our families, however, we are not agreeing and keep falling out. It’s mostly because I cannot say anything about his kids without him getting defensive or argumentative.

I think that's part of life in a blended family, it's exactly the same with my DH. I have got in a good place now and I don't bother saying anything, and have just disengaged really - not my children, not my problem.

I fear if I try and disengage I will get you aren't interested in my kids and only bothered about yours.

It's so hard because I want it to work and I'm willing to put in the effort and compromise but both of us need to do that.

OP posts:
Mynoodlesareoodles · 17/11/2022 16:45

This is one of the most bonkers things I've ever read. You'll move in, your children will share a room, you'll co-sleep with his kids whilst he sleeps elsewhere?? WTAF

GrazingSheep · 17/11/2022 16:48

I fear if I try and disengage I will get you aren't interested in my kids and only bothered about yours.

You should be bothered about your own children. Why does he matter more to you than they do ??

Letthesunshineonin · 17/11/2022 16:48

Absolutely crackers!
This has disaster written all over it.
Stop wasting your time OP. You can put all the effort in you want but he is not going to change his ways.

Original poster
Str3bor · 17/11/2022 16:54

My DC are fine, they want to move in and have a good relationships with both DP and his children, they each have their own room there and he is good with both of them. My issue is with how he reacts to me speaking about his own children.

OP posts:
Beadpark · 17/11/2022 16:57

You'd be bloody mad to move in with him. He speaks to you this way about his children, it won't just stop there. You disagree fundamentally about something really important in parenting, it won't stop there. Don't do it!

pinkyredrose · 17/11/2022 17:03

Oh get rid of him, he talks shit and he doesn't listen to you.

Cw112 · 17/11/2022 17:06

I am questioning his insistence on co-sleeping with his kids at that age to be honest. They're of an age where if others in school found out about it they might react badly so to me there's a really natural opportunity for a transition into sleeping in their own lovely bedroom. No reason why they can't come in, in the morning for a cuddle but they should be in their own bed by age 8 or soon after in my mind really. Especially if it means sharing a bed with a non bio- parent. I think it also means considering the impact on your children- will they feel comfortable sleeping in their own bed knowing that their mum is sleeping with two others or could they feel left out. I think the questions you're raising are perfectly justified.

If it were me I'd sit down with your partner and just say that if you are actually going to live together and blend your family then that will involve co parenting to a degree unless you are agreeing to do things separate which will just lead to different rules for different kids. I'd recognise that if you've been single parenting for a long time it can be hard to let someone else in but if you are going to live together then that is a core part of the next phase in your lives. Therefore you need to be able to openly express your thoughts ideas concerns as does he and you both need to listen value and respect each other. This is how you can lay some ground rules of what you want your home to look and feel like going forward. If he can't do that then no way should you be moving in with him because all of the kids will bear the brunt of continuous disagreements been you two and its a big enough change for them already, you both need to be on the same page. If you can't get on the same page then maybe he's not ready to let you in.

BadNomad · 17/11/2022 17:08

Don't move in with him at this stage. Your wishes aren't compatible. If the co-sleeping is the only issue, then just wait until that naturally ends. But I'll be surprised if that is the only issue here.

JustLyra · 17/11/2022 17:09

Str3bor · 17/11/2022 16:54

My DC are fine, they want to move in and have a good relationships with both DP and his children, they each have their own room there and he is good with both of them. My issue is with how he reacts to me speaking about his own children.

That’s not always going to be the case though - there are going to be clashes, it’s inevitable, and you’ve got to be able to discuss everything equally and calmly.

Ellie56 · 17/11/2022 17:19

I agree this has disaster written all over it. He is being unreasonable expecting you to sleep with his kids. WTAF? Time to throw him back OP.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/11/2022 17:27

I voted YABU because I don’t think you should be moving in with him at this stage. Wait a while until the kids are reliably in their own beds.

You're obviously right that this musical beds isn’t suitable when Dad has brought in a new partner. Unless he just starts his nights sleeping in their rooms each night or something . You shouldn’t have to leave your bed nor have his kids come in with you.

But I think alot of moving in with new partners happens when kids just aren’t ready, as is the case here.

IntrovertedPenguin · 17/11/2022 17:30

Oh get rid of him, what person sleeps with their 8 and 6 year old on a nightly basis. Man's got issues!

Newlifefortyplus · 17/11/2022 17:34

He is disrespecting your boundaries and trying to gaslight you about it. Run for the Hills this man is waving big red abuser flags right at you.
Don't try to make this work just because it's been 3 years or I don't want to be alone, you and your kids are worth more than that.

JinglerJangler · 17/11/2022 17:42

In my experience, these kind of issues only get worse.

Another vote for do not move in with him.

I wouldn’t co-sleep with my kids or anyone else’s, that would be a deal breaker for me.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/11/2022 21:28

Str3bor · 17/11/2022 16:40

I fear if I try and disengage I will get you aren't interested in my kids and only bothered about yours.

It's so hard because I want it to work and I'm willing to put in the effort and compromise but both of us need to do that.

Show quote history

Why do you want it to work? Why can you not see that it will never work, because - him?

allboysherebutme · 17/11/2022 22:44

End it for good this time and move on. X

Sceptre86 · 17/11/2022 22:51

How on earth could you think living with him would be a good idea when he flies off the handle? Honestly, the mind boggles.

SpentDandelion · 17/11/2022 22:57

The fact that you've already posted on here twice now speaks volumes. Stay as you are, what's the rush ?

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