Raising issues surrounding my partners children

[Str3bor]

Me and DP are discussing moving in together and blending our families, however, we are not agreeing and keep falling out. It’s mostly because I cannot say anything about his kids without him getting defensive or argumentative.

For example, he co-sleeps, I am not comfortable with this with children that aren’t mine, his response was where are they supposed to go then, I responded with they are old enough to sleep in their own rooms (they are 6 and 8). That ended up with a don’t talk about my kids like that and an argument.

He then brings the issue up again and says I should sleep with his kids and he’ll sleep in the kids bed, I said they aren’t my kids, I don’t think that’s appropriate. He again flew off the handle and said I making it clear I think of his kids as separate and that I’m being disrespectful.

AIBU here? Could I handle things a bit better or say things a bit more diplomatically?

I feel like I can’t say anything about his kids without him going off on one. I don’t mean to come across like I’m having a go at him as I’m not and I actually really like his kids, I just don’t know if it’s me being harsh or him being defensive but we just can’t seem to get anywhere with our discussions.

You are clearly willing and wanting to talk about important topics and work towards some solutions but he seems to be acting like a child, having a tantrum and shutting down the conversation so you can't even communicate with each other like mature adults.

It takes two people to make communication work and he is not up to it.

Definitely don't move in and I'd be questioning the relationship. It's no relationships when one person controls what you can and can't talk about, and unilaterally decides a major topic is off the table.

Also think it is really odd he is suggested you sleep with his children. That is weird. Is he suggesting that simply so you concede that him sleeping with the children while you sleep in a child's bed is a better option? I think he just wants to win the argument and is using this as a tactic to do so. Based on his communication patterns he is not good relationship material.

You could try explaining this to him one or twice but if he doesn't get it please don't waste any more of your time on this man.

Furthermore, you have explained if you disengage from the topic he will also criticize you - so either way you loose. This is a bit of a red flag for possible coercive control imo.

DONT DO IT! It started out alright when i moved in with my ex and his 2, but gradually and then constantly i was told I was negative about his kids, if i had nothing nice to say i shouldnt say it. Erm...when they are being effin rude funnily enough yes i do want to mention it to you as their parent to sort out. im not being negative im being honest.
It was so draining in the end I left.
Best thing i ever did.

Don't move in with him OP especially as there have been other issues.

You aren't saying anything against or about his kids, you're saying you're not comfortable sleeping with them as you feel it's inappropriate. That's your own (perfectly normal) boundary and you're not unreasonable to have it and are entitled to it.

I don't even suggest waiting till he stops cosleeping to move in together, as you've said on other threads that there have been other major problems.

He has a temper and tries to browbeat you into things.