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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my neighbor using me.

88 replies

Mefreebird · 16/11/2022 22:04

So, my neighbors child and mine go to the same school. I offered to pick her child as well when they are in need to be kind to them.

I'm working parent as well but I finish my job by school time, the neighbors husband works close to school but at times works from home or gets into a meeting so I always offer help in pickup.

But here I go, after I have picked their child is it not their responsibility to pick her from my home, specially when I know their mum is doing wfh.she goes to pick her second child from daycare after I have come home with her child without picking her.

Which means I have to give hungry kids something to eat. Clean the mess etc till she calls me after more than an hour of her child being in my house. She asks me to make her child cross the road ..else her second child would want to come to my house to play. Is it my responsibility.

The once in a while help is now 2 times or more per week. I'm I being used. To add to my hatred when I told my disgust to my husband he called me a bad person for thinking Soo cheap. But I'm I?

OP posts:
Activelyannoyed · 17/11/2022 08:47

Can’t you just drop the kid at home, why do they need to come to yours?

Therealjudgejudy · 17/11/2022 09:20

You sound lovely.

Your husband does not.

And yes...you are being used

OneFrenchEgg · 17/11/2022 12:28

You sound lovely but sometimes lovely people assume everyone else will be lovely to them too and unfortunately that isn't the case so you end up being less lovely to stop people taking the piss.

Omg so true

Borntobeamum · 17/11/2022 12:32

Maybe you need to pick your child up and go shopping, or to the park, or for an ice cream, meaning you cannot pick their child up.
just say you’re not available any more. Sorry.
they will move into someone else, these sort always do.

stuntbubbles · 17/11/2022 12:32

Drop the child off at their home straightaway. Drop the husband somewhere too: I suggest the bin.

Delatron · 17/11/2022 12:34

You’ve been very kind.

Why did you bring the child back to your house in the beginning though? Unfortunately it sets a precedent for cheeky buggers like them. I’d have dropped the child to the door. If they ask you to have them say ‘no not possible we have things on’

Now they’ve shown their true colours ( do they ever pick up your child?) I’d have no qualms about being direct and blunt. ‘Sorry our circumstances have changed and I can’t do any more pick ups’

DDivaStar · 17/11/2022 12:35

Well you did offer if its too often you will have to say so.

If I'm picking up a child I would usually drop them straight home, or take them over when you know they're back from collecting the other child. I wouldn't be waiting for them to contact me snd certainly wouldn't be feeding the child regularly.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/11/2022 12:37

Drop a text that says " Sorry, just letting you know I can't do any pickups due to other commitments"
If she asks why, you just reply "It's private stuff"

This is perfect apart from the "sorry" - after all you don't need to apologise for setting reasonable boundaries

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 17/11/2022 13:09

Hi neighbour,
Just so you know, I am happy to continue picking up your child from school on occasion to help you out but will be dropping them off at home enroute from now on as I do mind providing free childcare.
Hope all is well.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 17/11/2022 13:11

Or

Hi neighbour,
I can't commit to collecting your child from school anymore as it has turned into a childcare arrangement which I do not wish to do after a day at work.
Have a nice weekend.

Obviously add in that you are happy to host your fair share of playdates if the kids want to play together if that's the case.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/11/2022 13:46

To add to my hatred when I told my disgust to my husband he called me a bad person for thinking Soo cheap. But I'm I?
😂
I take it DH doesn't do any of the pickups, or help out with the neighbour's child?

Original poster
Mefreebird · 17/11/2022 20:23

The neighbors child is 9 yrs old. And the irony is that when I can clearly see her mum's car is home and I say I'm going to drop you off, she doesn't want to go and says her mum's in a meeting so she would come to my house. The point is I have no issues with this too. But it's the way her mum treats me. At least not call me and say can I make her child cross the road. At least come and pickup have a chat with me and say thanks.

On one occasion, I had facemask ON and was not comfortable to go out. When her mum called me she said she is outside so I let her child go.
My husband saw her crossing road by herself and blasted me saying I'm such inconsiderate. That's when I felt very bad.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 17/11/2022 20:39

Your husband is not very nice.

FOJN · 17/11/2022 20:43

My husband saw her crossing road by herself and blasted me saying I'm such inconsiderate. That's when I felt very bad.

Your husband is an arsehole. I'm not surprised you are so filled with self doub about your own perfectly reasonable boundaries if ths is how he treats you. How long how you been putting up with him being a complete c**t?

Delatron · 17/11/2022 20:45

Don’t let the child dictate to you?! You drop her off at her house. She doesn’t get to tell you her Mum is in a meeting! They’re all cheeky.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/11/2022 21:05

Don’t have the child at your house. If you agreed to collect her, drop her straight off at her house. This is the problem - you’ve unwittingly volunteered to be free childcare.

Either drop her straight at her house or simply say you can’t do collection at all any more due to a change in your schedule or whatever.

Your husband is purposely keeping you on the back foot by criticising you and making you feel obliged to do things. Keep this in mind whenever he does this.

HuggsBosom · 17/11/2022 21:11

Don’t have the child at all. No pick ups, no drop offs. Nothing.

TwinklingStarlight · 17/11/2022 21:51

Your husband's dynamic sounds weird. Why is he so keen for your feelings and convenience to be subjugated below everyone else's? It's not healthy or respectful in a partner.

That said, you need to assert your status here or you will continue to be treated as a doormat. A child won't normally know their parent's exact meeting schedule. Don't listen to her, she's 9, and you don't owe her mum anything. If you are going to continue collecting her, start dropping her straight home. You have every right to make that decision. Assert it and stick with it. You do plenty to help - more than enough - if you only collect her. Your husband is simply wrong, and disrespectful to you.

BigScreen · 17/11/2022 21:56

I'm beginning to think your husband is more of a problem than your cheeky fucker neighbour.

Original poster
Mefreebird · 17/11/2022 21:56

Hi, they did ask that they can do drop off which my husband does in the morning. But my husband does not like our child being dropped to school by them . The reason is as follows:

We saw the lady driving with one hand.
Using phone while driving.
We noticed to this on multiple occasions.

They drop at school after the school bell. My daughter is very particular and likes to be on time. Else she gets restless.

We saw the lady put her young child in car seat without putting the car seat belt on.

For these reasons I support my husband for dropping daughter even on days he does work from home.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 17/11/2022 21:59

BigScreen · 17/11/2022 21:56

I'm beginning to think your husband is more of a problem than your cheeky fucker neighbour.

CF neighbòur and a horrible husband.

OP, you need to start standing up for yourself.

KettrickenSmiled · 17/11/2022 22:40

The neighbors child is 9 yrs old. And the irony is that when I can clearly see her mum's car is home and I say I'm going to drop you off, she doesn't want to go and says her mum's in a meeting so she would come to my house. The point is I have no issues with this too. But it's the way her mum treats me. At least not call me and say can I make her child cross the road. At least come and pickup have a chat with me and say thanks.
Why are you taking orders from a 9 year old child?
9 is old enough to be in the house while mummy makes a zoon call FFS.

On one occasion, I had facemask ON and was not comfortable to go out. When her mum called me she said she is outside so I let her child go.
My husband saw her crossing road by herself and blasted me saying I'm such inconsiderate. That's when I felt very bad.
How odd that your husband does not consider HIMSELF inconsiderate, for not escorting a child across the road from his house ...

Tiani4 · 18/11/2022 02:59

I don't understand why you take child back to your house

Pick her up on occasion with your daughter from same school. You pull up outside her house or onto her driveway, she gets out. Drive straight to yours.

It's up to her parents to give her a key or let her in

Taking her to your house is childcare and no one says that, that's not part of the deal, regardless of what their 9 year old says!! (She's got her feet under table of your house, the local café !)

This child is Year4 or Year 5. At Year5 mine were able to walk to and from school themselves. And to cross roads.

Tiani4 · 18/11/2022 03:10

ndnchild might have to wait a few moments on her own doorstep for NDNmum to answer door, when she's in a meeting wfh.

NDNMum can do that (interrupt hee own call) or she can take the 30 mins out to go collect her own child from school ...

If it's that NDN mum or dad aren't home and are asking you to collect their child & take her back to yours to care for and feed until they are home, then that is entirely different to doing a pick up of their child from school whilst you collect yours. That's instead called afterschool childcare.

So - a one off "can you help out as we're stuck?" is fine- but zero chance I'd enter into a stealth twice weekly unpaid childcare arrangement - one that includes my providing food too!

Suzi888 · 18/11/2022 04:38

Quitelikeit · 16/11/2022 22:22

Seems strange how you don’t just drop her home when you pass her house?

This^

She isn’t using you, you offered. You also give her house a swerve.