Is my neighbor using me.

[Mefreebird]

So, my neighbors child and mine go to the same school. I offered to pick her child as well when they are in need to be kind to them.

I'm working parent as well but I finish my job by school time, the neighbors husband works close to school but at times works from home or gets into a meeting so I always offer help in pickup.

But here I go, after I have picked their child is it not their responsibility to pick her from my home, specially when I know their mum is doing wfh.she goes to pick her second child from daycare after I have come home with her child without picking her.

Which means I have to give hungry kids something to eat. Clean the mess etc till she calls me after more than an hour of her child being in my house. She asks me to make her child cross the road ..else her second child would want to come to my house to play. Is it my responsibility.

The once in a while help is now 2 times or more per week. I'm I being used. To add to my hatred when I told my disgust to my husband he called me a bad person for thinking Soo cheap. But I'm I?

Yes do this and stop collecting the child. Yanbu they are using you.

What a cheek. Have they ever offered to collect your child?

I agree with the others, pick their child up only when you can deliver to the door. You are not childcare and you don't need to offer them an excuse, the above 'it's private' covers a multitude of sins.

Ha- some people are just users as it makes their life easier.
As you come home, send the kid to their own house, wave and go into yours.

I used to look after a girl with one of my kids after school. Mum was reentering workforce, life was hard etc.

One day she came to collect her daughter (who I had collected from school) and mentioned that her other kid was ill and husband had collected him from school- but left daughter for me.
That was the end of the arrangement. It opened my eyes to the pisstaking nature.
I have never seen the mum again

This polite to everyone. How does this look? Because in my book, being polite is a universal courtesy of being pleasant to people and doesn’t necessarily involve helping them out in any way.

It sounds as if your husband thinks you are a support human for others and doesn’t care about the ill effects to your health. Does he help others in the same way and expect the same of himself? Or is it just you because of your sex? (I am assuming you are female).

And where does he get off telling you what to do? He’s not your boss.

As for your neighbour, if they cannot reciprocate or at the very least have the decency to collect their child as soon as you are home, the arrangement stops. Is the younger child at day care every day? As the mother is expecting you to feed and return her child, she should be willing to do the same for you on her day off or at the very least, have you drop both kids at hers for a play date after you’ve collected them. Otherwise you are a freebie childminder.

How old are the kids? Why don’t you just drop the child off there straight away?

Also your husband sounds awful.

People take the Lisa a bit at a time and all of a sudden you're in neck deep, like you!
From today, take the child straight around to their home and keep knocking and ringing til they answer; push back, and slowly redact your kindness. I don't mind from time to time but I wouldn't be happy with a person taking the Piss... every week!

Why do you take their kid to your place? Just take them home!

It's so easy to drift into this arrangement and end up being an unpaid minder. I became an unpaid after school club for a year in primary school and there was no consideration for me at all. Snacks, juice - all provided for three local kids and collection edged later and later until I was walking one to an activity as well . Don't do it op - walk the kid across the road as soon as you get home. Don't even unlock your door

Why are you taking the child back to your house when the mum is at home? surely you drop the child then go home

You seem to have made a rod for your own back.
That's some parents for you, you give them an inch and they takes mile.

If you continue to pick the child up, take her straight home when you get back from school, tell them, there's been a mix up as you only offered a lift home and you're not a registered child minder.

And if your child is staying on at school, let them go pick their own child up, they are really taking the mickey.

Stop being a door mat for others

It’s one thing to provide a lift on a journey you are doing anyway but you have now been roped into unwanted childcare as well. If you’d wanted to be a childminder, you’d have registered and would be paid for it!

You should just be dropping the child off at her home or other mum should be picking up as soon as you get home. It is not your job to facilitate her working life. If she doesn’t agree to this, I would stop the lifts. Your DH should be supporting you on this.

I would say to them that from now on you'll be dropping their child straight off to theirs after school and if this is inconvenient then you won't be able to do pick up/drop offs for them anymore. Just be blunt and to the point, they don't care about your feelings so why should you care about theirs.

Just take the child straight home after school pickup

I understand that because it happened to me as well. People I helped weren’t bothered about me and only cared about what I did to give them an easy time. I said no and continued to say no despite pressure. It was difficult but once I continued to say no to everything they dropped me right away. So the first word to say is no - but don’t give a reason. No I can’t do that anymore. No I won’t collect from school. No I can’t have your child round for even 5minutes (you know it will be a few hours). Then you end the conversation. Don’t waste your time listening to their problems that they will say are all your creation. They will say how difficult you are making things for them. You are not making things difficult for them. Keep the word no and say it. No I am going now. No see you at school next time. No I have my work. Start every sentence with the word no, even when it doesn’t make sense. You will feel happier to not be doing their work for them. Keep being cheery and nice, it will annoy them, but let them know that your boundary is no. Good luck with this.

Excellent post @ButterCrackers

"No" feels uncomfortable and we spend

@ButterCrackers thank you for the pep talk, much needed. Of course none of the parents speak to me now or ever thanked me when they finally made other arrangements. Big lesson there.

argh hate the way the buttons keep jumping about.

We spend a lot of time avoiding saying "no" but for this you need to change your approach. It's inevitably going to feel a bit uncomfortable because you're not doing what she wants, but it will pass.

Oh goodness sounds like you may be needing to start a whole different thread!

I'm polite to people.

Smile, say hello, help with dropped shopping, take in parcels (which neighbours collect).

It costs me next to nothing in terms of time & I'm certainly not at all put out by it.

Plus i's my choice-not my husband's!

Yanbu.

But normally when I take someone home I'd drop them off as I pass which you can do as their neighbour.

So just so that.

Tell them "we pass yours at x time. I'll drop child off then".

Don't ask, don't suggest - tell them.

If they aren't at home then next time they ask say "unfortunately today that doesn't work for me as I'm busy straight after school run and you won't be home to answer door".

ALWAYS put the ball in the court of the person requesting a favour!

And absolutely drop the child straight round unless this is particularly inconvenient.

If you are not up for outright stopping it, you could suggest they bring your child back by turns. Offering a split of the work is still helping them out and (in my experience) a much more common and long lasting way parents help each other.

If I had offered to collect someone's child I would not take them to my home to wait for the parent to collect, I would take them to their home.

Same happened to me. it was a lesson learnt the hard way for me. I’m that kind person that helps, puts others first. It was difficult for me to go against what others demanded of me. A stressful time but these non friends moved onto to finding others to assist them or hopefully stepped up to do what they thought was no problem for me to do but not possible for them (you’re there anyway, one more doesn’t make a difference). I started to say no and it was like a magic wand. Tricky but it worked. I help people and will always help but not in a way that I’m taken advantage of.

Stop the car outside their house. Offload child while yours is still in car. Go home, park and offload own child.

Or if walking, always drop other child first

I think you have a neighbour, husband and assertiveness problem.

You sound lovely but sometimes lovely people assume everyone else will be lovely to them too and unfortunately that isn't the case so you end up being less lovely to stop people taking the piss.

Apparently everyone in this scenario is working but you're the only one doing the unpaid childcare and your husband thinks you're a "bad person" for not wanting to. You sound far to nice to do it but I'd suggest telling him to fuck off and tell your neighbour no. Do not feel compelled to apologise or explain, "I won't be able to do picks ups", is all you need to say.

You are as important as everyone else and your time and energy are as valuable as anyone else's.