To expect DS's dad to pay for his school lunch?

[AquaWipe]

I have NC for this as very outing.

DS spends every other Thursday to Monday with his dad. Obviously, this requires him to drop DS at school every other Friday and Monday.

The maintenance he pays me will drop in accordance with this, as would be expected.

I have advised Ex-P that he needs to provide lunch on these days, the same way as he did previously when the arrangement was every other Friday to Monday, as well as every Wednesday overnight.

However, ex-P has responded that since he pays maintenance, his responsibilities end there and I am to pay for all school dinners. He also claims that the CMS have sent him proof of this. This is contrary to what I have been advised by the CMS, who state they do not get involved in the intricacies of how the maintenance is spent.

So, AIBU by expecting ex-P to provide his son with food on these days?

Do you have a court order stating the days he's with dad?

If so then pass that to school and tell them you are responsible for providing meals on x days and him on y days and ask them to bill accordingly if dad chooses hot meals rather than sending a packed lunch.

YANBU The maintenance he pays covers his share of your ds costs (well supposedly) whilst he's with you. He has to provide for him during his time.

I don't think you can force it but logic would say that the parent whose day it is pays for the lunch of that day.
If Friday is Dad's day then he is responsible for lunches on Friday: whether that's a packed lunch at school, a school meal, or lunch at Dad's house in the school holidays.

I would assume he pays for Friday and Monday lunches, just like he provides food and water at his home on those days because it’s his own child and he doesn’t pay maintenance for the days he has his child. I can’t see there’s much you can do about it really though.

We do have a court order, which has just been agreed, but there's still some contentious issues.

Ex-P is using DS as a pawn to get at me but we split up 8 years ago and he needs to move on.

Forgot to say, we are still in the middle of court proceedings so it seems insane he's behaving like this instead of being on his best behaviour.

I think you're nitpicking.

Surely, paying for school dinners is done in block payments in advance, not in the morning at drop off so surely it comes out of the child maintenance.

People saying to show school paperwork etc is just silly, why can't 2 grown adults just sort their own shit out? Schools have enough to deal with.

If you don't want to pay for your own child to eat then tell your ex to make packed lunches those days but personally, I'd just pay.

It's not done in block payments and if he was having a packed lunch, ex-P would be expected to send him with one.

I am thinking it will be easier to suspend the account and just go back to packed lunches.

I can't afford to subsidise him when he doesn't a pay penny, apart from the minimum maintenance (from which he has petrol deducted), when I have paid for everything else.

Ours is block payment so I just assumed it would be the same so apologies for that.

Sounds like you need to do packed lunches then as your ex sounds like a complete dick.

Rubbish

Where does it end then?

Send her own toothpaste and toothbrush? Provide him clothes?

Child maintenance is paid for the days the child is with RP. Money is deducted from the total for the days they are with NRP to account for them providing for the child on these days.

OP I think I'd go back to packed lunches then and tell school you are no longer doing school dinners and if he has school dinners it's his dad and to send bill there.

I would make sure as well it's written into the court order. Plus ask about the petrol and whether he can deduct for that.

This is obviously a case where you are going to need to get EVERYTHING agreed and written in to avoid him finding every loophole and piece of control he can over you via ds.

Do packed lunches.

What’s the deal with the petrol situation?

Thanks all 

No worries @Youdoyoutoday you can top up the fingerprint when you want with a minimum of £5 but DS manages to practically spend all that in a day even though he takes snacks.....

I would save a fortune going back to school lunches actually 

@NoSquirrels he applied to the CMS with his 'expenses' as he called them and gets a significant reduction in his payment every month to account for petrol costs when he does drop off and pick up. Seems insane when he's the one who chose to move away.

I had to send four pieces of bread and a can of heinze spaghetti once because dad was "struggling" to feed the kids two nights a week his payment for child support was zero at the time

Honestly keep the texts see of you can get it written in the court order he is responsible for food childcare etc on his days

Can you just pay for the school dinners on your days? Is it done online where you just top up the account? If so, can you individually top it up each of your days just for the amount it costs, and make sure the balance is 0 on exH’s days - and tell him you are doing that so DC doesn’t go hungry!

@Confusedteacher I suggested that to him and he said his responsibility ends at paying maintenance...

He isn't a very nice man and this is one tiny issue in what has been some really unpleasant proceedings.

So he does pay then!

I know it doesn’t truly cover costs but it’s a bit I considerate to say he pays nothing when you’re getting regular maintenance payments and he has long periods of contact.

My dds father has never paid a penny of maintenance, looked after her for a single night or even sent a birthday card in the last ten years.

I know you say he’s using your ds as a pawn but how is switching him to packed lunches so you can attempt to force ex to provide lunch not using your ds as a pawn

When I had a child I knew it was my responsibility to provide for them regardless of wether the other parent did or did not

Just cover his lunches for those two days and you know you’re son won’t go without which SHOULD be what really matters

Hmm... on the fence here

He feeds him when he's with him (as in staying) and clothes him etc

But you receive the maintenance and the child benefit I'm assuming. How many nights a year does he have him and how much does his fuel deduction come to (I ask this as usually it's pittance and also calculated off the top line like the 12%)

I think for us to understand if it's fair or not we need to understand how much he pays etc.

@itsgettingweird

Just because my experience and opinion is different doesn't make it rubbish. Some of us do manage to co-parent without petty bullshit, it can and does happen.

No his responsibility is everything required for when the child is in his care, food, clothes etc.

Id just revert back to packed meals for the time being but if the court order is still subject to change then insert he's responsible for all child related costs whilst child is with him.

Its actually pathetic he's being like this.

He has him 4/5 nights out of every 14 and half of every school holidays.

The fuel deduction is about £80 so a third of the maintenance roughly.

I cannot afford to subsidise him. I already pay for a phone contract for DS that ex-P cancelled without telling him, out of spite, because I went to the CMS.

Also confused about the accusation that I said I never get a penny... I've said all along I get maintenance.

Also switching DS to packed lunches means he won't go without. He is still being fed.

He was quite happy to provide lunch previously, when we had an informal maintenance agreement. Then I had the audacity to go to the CMS so we could get things in writing when he started to mess around with it.

It's crappy but yabu as he pays you maintenance which stupidly 'supposedly' covers stuff like this. I know it doesn't I really do, but he pays his calculated share for things like this. So you should pay really. I don't think you should though, I think you should cancel it and tell ex to give him packed lunch.

What a petty man. Sounds like he’s trying desperately to find ways to control and annoy you (a lot like my ex). If it’s his time with his child, it’s his responsibility to provide food.

Maintenance is calculated based on the number of nights the child spends in that residence. So yes I do think he should pay for the food that DS eats when he's there meaning that if he is at school he provides food for him to have their. Either with a packed lunch or by paying for it. I grew up with an absent father who grudged every single penny he paid towards us so I know it's not likely you'll get it.

I thought maintenance was meant to cover when DS wasn't in his care and he needs to provide for him when he is. If that's not the case and I need to provide things even when DS isn't with me, then where do you draw the line? Should I be sending 3 meals a day, all clothes, a bed etc...