To expect DS's dad to pay for his school lunch?

[AquaWipe]

I have NC for this as very outing.

DS spends every other Thursday to Monday with his dad. Obviously, this requires him to drop DS at school every other Friday and Monday.

The maintenance he pays me will drop in accordance with this, as would be expected.

I have advised Ex-P that he needs to provide lunch on these days, the same way as he did previously when the arrangement was every other Friday to Monday, as well as every Wednesday overnight.

However, ex-P has responded that since he pays maintenance, his responsibilities end there and I am to pay for all school dinners. He also claims that the CMS have sent him proof of this. This is contrary to what I have been advised by the CMS, who state they do not get involved in the intricacies of how the maintenance is spent.

So, AIBU by expecting ex-P to provide his son with food on these days?

The funny thing is, the amount of maintenance I will receive will ultimately be less than what I got when it was an informal arrangement. I'm just glad he can't use it to control me by messing with it, withholding it etc., anymore as he is obliged to pay by the CMS.

Your ex is wrong
He is responsible for providing packed much or dinner on the next day from overnights he has them. That is why his CMS was lowered by the days he has them

I would bring this up In court and ask for it to be included as ex isn't putting his child first

Schools won't get too involved , they expect parents to sort of out between them

All you can do is put onto his finger amount for your meals so is zero on days he has gone to dad overnight for and email dad he either needs to arrange to pay for school dinner or send in packed lunch as he is responsible as the parent who had previous overnight.

CMS would NOT have said different

If you're going to court you can add on extras to what judge works out, that include £50/ week school dinners for ex to pay!

If you're still going through court right now, then bring this up. Have it included.

I wouldn't switch to packed lunches though- it means you're increasing your workload considerably by having to cook a proper meal every night.

Sympathies, though- XP "can't make it" for school pick up at 3.15 on the Fridays he has DS2, so books him into after school club. Which goes onto my account...🙄

I would switch to pack lunches, you can still give him the occasional £5 for lunch instead. Also get DS trained to make his own.

@crackofdoom I feel for you, so many of them out there

A friend of mine was dating a man who paid very little cms and had his children 3-4 nights a week. He tried this. Sending them in with no money and no lumches temming them to order school dinners and say mum had to pay for it.

DCs mum sent them in with packed lunches on her days in the end, to avoid any confusion , but he begrudged that. It was left as a standoff as school kept trying to bill mum. Where mum said of Dad hadn't sent in packed lunch or money for lunch, then you need to call children services as a safeguarding for neglect by dad

It was the deal breaker for my friend who was gobsmacked at his pettiness and mistreatment of his own children. She dumped him!

It turned out he had been turning up to friends house all weekend eating all her food with no contribution (she had DCs) and attempting to leave her receipts when he'd gone down to buy more milk for "his cereal". He was awful and had been slowly gaslighting my friend for some time til rest of us went WTAF??

Yanbu. That's why his maintenence is reduced based on his having dc overnight.

(Friend was new Gf, DCs mum was his ex, my friend had her own DCs)

I pay for school dinners, if kids don’t want a skool dinner, whoever’s has had kids overnight sends pack up.

i have to say tho that we are quite amicable and try to work together as much as possible I probs pay for more than I should but I’m happy with the other things ex does (wud take them an extra night here and there if I asked plus takes them activities etc if he can)

How bloody ridiculous that adults are fighting over providing their son dinner .

I'm with you his maintenance is reduced to cover his days so he should bear the cost of the child on those days. I'd do pack lunches tbh

Your maintenance covers the time your son spends with you, not for the days he is with his dad. I take it you receive all the child benefit. If so as your son stays with his dad just under 1/3rd of the time then give him 1/3rd if the child benefit and tell him to get the lunch out of that.

Can’t you ask the school to charge ex?

You are right OP , he needs to feed his child on his days. I can understand why you don’t want to start paying because men like your ex will just exploit this.

And ignore the self righteous people who “ can’t believe how petty this is” and can’t possibly understand that their personal experience of divorce isn’t universal.

And who are rich enough to fork out that £40 to subside their ex without a second thought . All that money but not a shred of empathy 🙁

I assume they only come on here to brag about how great they are and to make other mothers feel like shit.

You mention phone contract how old is DS? Could he make himself a pack lunch from his Dad's cupboards and fridge when he staying there?

How did ex manage to cancel DSs phone contract that you took out?? 😳 Surely it was in your name?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the sorry excuse for a man will not have cupboards filled with suitable packed lunch items

I think he took out the contract and cancelled when OP asks for maintenance to go through CMS. So DS doesn't suffer she has taken on the cost.

Poor kid. So you'd rather him not have a school dinner that he enjoys just so you can spite your ex for two/three(?) school days a fortnight. I understand money is tight but you're talking what? £3 per day for three days / 14 - so £4.50 a week during term time?

Is ex rich? Is he living the high life? Or is he struggling too? Is he good with DS when DS is there? Does he spend time and money to make sure DS has a nice home life when he's with him? Does he love his son? That's what counts.

That's correct, thank you @bloodyeverlastinghell

DS is at secondary school so old enough to make his own lunch.

@oldbrownjug ex-P doesn't care one jot about DS. He has a lot more money than me and actually that £20 a month is a lot of money to me, especially atm! He has never once put DS first and is a very nasty piece of work. But of course I would say that.

Why do you think he has more money? Or are you only recently split?

Does Ds even want to go there?

You have ds 4 days more a month? Have I got that right? Yet receieve the child benefit and maintenance. If the £80 fuel reduction is a third, are you getting £160 a month? If so I'd expect you to be topping up. In general it should be the parent the child is with. I'd personally switch to pack lunches anyway because they're cheaper and ds can learn to be responsible for his lunch

It's rubbish to say the RP is responsible for all costs.

That's not how it works.

And my situation is totally different still. No CMS and no contact. Ds is disabled and it's been hard to provide for him alone when my career opportunities are limited.

But regardless of situations the NRP is responsible for the child's lunches on days he drops them off at school. Otherwise he dropping child off with no lunch.

I would compromise over days he's dropped off by RP and collected by NRP if it kept the peace though.

But I don't agree the OP is nit picking. She cannot pay for everything and CoL crisis is making that even harder.

I know he has more money because I know how much his household income roughly is and how little he pays in outgoings.

My wages might look higher on paper but he has far more disposable income than me. Very low rent and highly subsidised utility bills which likely total less than my mortgage. I obviously don't know if he has a massive loan or something he's paying back but based on what I do know, he's much better off than me.